And for the texting... That is a HUGE red flag. My W was texting and IMing also to "her friend". Even then I refused to believe she would cheat although I was becoming suspicous at that point. I am not recommending this, but I got hold of her text messages and emails after and I had all the proof on the PA. The reason I don't recommend it is because there were details that I wish I had never read. And if you get caught, my W accused me of breaking her trust even though I wasn't the one having an A.
In my case, the Red flag was when my W changed the password on her computer and email accounts. I had an innocent reason to go in there one day (household admin) and found I was locked out. Then I noticed the sudden increase in texts, picked up her phone and read the back texts and .... BAM!
I think in my sitch snooping is the only way I could have proceeded. It was painful, and it caused huge fights between us, and yes, my W accused me of violating her trust by snooping as if that is worse than the EA, but without knowing the truth, without having it exposed to both of us, I don't think I would have been able to see what was going on and detach. I think snooping, spying and exposing the EA stopped it from proceeding further and faster.
I now look at it this way. A cheating spouse wants to be able to have an A, while PREVENTING the betrayed spouse from reacting. If your spouse cheats, they will lie about it in an attempt to control you. Since an A directly impacts your M and directly impacts you, it is your right to know what is going on so that you can make your own decisions and react in the way that you choose.
For me, I choose to know, even though knowing gave me so many sleepless nights.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
