Keep Moving Forward

[BeingMe]

Hi Phoenix! How are ya doing?

Yes, I do understand what you're saying. I am so grateful to have my best friend with me, and supporting me. Don't get me wrong. He has been very supportive indeed. So has my S22 and my D16, especially when dad has been away on business. All three have been my rock.

Of course, he wants to take me camping, we do everything together. But, it's like buddies. It's difficult to describe --- after almost 5 years and we're still in the same place except I rarely comment on the EA, or anything about our R. When I did a couple of weeks ago, it had been a couple of years (I think --- can't really remember when last) since. There is little moving forward, more staying put and I guess that's okay.

Everyday, when he's working from home especially, I thank him for the things he does for me. Because I am grateful. And, I am so sorry that I am putting him and the kids through this. I don't think he thinks about the R. Well, I guess I don't know what he thinks because he very rarely expresses his emotional thoughts. He is here and that's good unless he is unhappy and just not saying. I really don't want that. I want him to be happy and able to express himself to the person he loves. He was able to talk about emotional things with the OW, things that were troubling him or exciting him. He doesn't do that with me except work stuff which I don't mind since it probably destresses him to vent it to someone. Since he could do it with OW, I can only then assume he just doesn't feel comfortable or able to do it with me so perhaps, he'll be able to find someone like the OW, but without all the baggage (like a M and children). Where that leaves me? I don't know because I could lose this battle then it won't matter except my children won't have a mother and my grandchildren will lose one of the grandmas. So, I fight this battle because I choose life and we'll see what lays on the other side of the hill.

It's hard to be the greener grass right now when I have no hair, feel reliant on everyone, tired from fighting this disease (radiation really left me exhausted in a way I have never felt --- tired yes, but also mentally and emotionally, even spiritually). I am getting past that, but still have the chemo ongoing. I had an MRI last week and it showed the tumour diminished, but not gone. After all that I had gone through --- operation, radiation and chemo for 6 weeks and still it's partially there. I'm sorry --- just venting! I'm usually pretty upbeat and positive. I am truly grateful that I have not had seizures in 5 months. I should be able to drive in a month's time. So, there are many positives.

Journalling .....

I was meditating/praying yesterday (I like to do it with the sound of the Gregorian monks chanting) and I asked G-d, generally, "why am I here? What is my purpose? I have just started getting it --- going to school, having such a good relationship with my middle daughter (things are just starting to look up, IOW). Why this disease now?" And I ask Him now, "have I fulfilled my purpose already?" Well, I got a feeling of an answer yesterday. My purpose in life is to love in spite of other's shortcomings, or mine. To try and see people as He sees them. Really hard to do --- I tried doing that with the people who have really hurt me in life. Hard, but doable. I was to even love myself in the same way. I was to break through to that. And now, whether I live or die, I am still to love because the universe is that. This is the purpose of everyone --- sure, we may have various destinies, but our purpose is Love. Hope I am making sense here. I just don't know how to put this into words.

Wait ... I am going to check a scripture that I am sure is there, about love. Here it is ---- 1 John 4:8 He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. And 19 We love Him, because He first loved us. In looking for these, I realise how many times this subject is mentioned in the Bible. Wow!

Well, those are my thoughts for the day.