Divorce not busted 2

[mulesqb]

Go ahead and journal Orich. You need to get it out.

[Orich]

Ok, the letter. Long. Cold. She doesn't love me. Maybe never really did. If it was true love, it wouldn't have gone. She will be better off alone. Blah blah blah. I am a good guy. I will be fine. She will help me through this (!). I deserve a woman who will truly love me. She is not that woman. Blah blah blah.

Someone kicked me hard in the chest. I can't breathe.

[K4D]

Again, she is giving you script and you are choosing to believe it. You don't have multiple kids with someone you don't love. Quit believing this stuff. This is WAW fantasy syndrome that she is currently living in. Think of her as temporarily insane or having a mid life crisis.

She is not saying anything new that most of us haven't heard said to us. FaithfulH's W said the same thing to him. It wasn't true. But in her mind at that time, she believed it. It is only a current mindset. They go through and rewrite history to justify their current temporary insane feelings. It won't last. She will come back to realize at some point that she was out of her mind.

Are you going to let her keep you down? How can you DB if you do? What is your end goal here? How do you get to that goal? Is it an easy path? No, it isn't. Can you do it? Yes, you can. Do you want to take this challenge? It doesn't seem like you do. Will you take it? Only you can decide that for yourself.

Is your W worth waiting for and taking on this challenge? I believe she is. Do you?

Kevin

[mulesqb]

Ok, the letter. Long. Cold. She doesn't love me. Maybe never really did. If it was true love, it wouldn't have gone. She will be better off alone. Blah blah blah. I am a good guy. I will be fine. She will help me through this (!). I deserve a woman who will truly love me. She is not that woman. Blah blah blah.

Someone kicked me hard in the chest. I can't breathe.

Orich - it's all script. Water off a duck's back. More than half of us could have told you what it was going to say. Take comfort in that. It's not about you. This is her thing.

Let me ask you a question, and forgive me if you have gone through this already - I haven't caught up on your entire thread.

Has she recently lost weight, started paying more attention to her looks, dressing differently, acting differently, checking out guys right in front of you, talking about missing out on stuff, etc...

Is it possible there's OM?? Sorry to bring that up now - but it is such script.

Take comfort - this is something they go through - it's really not about you - they personalize it that way. I know it sux bro! Hang in there. Focus on what you can control.

Strength and Honor.

[K4D]

Orich,

Can you do us a favor and answer some of the questions that have been asked. It would further allow us to help you. And right now you look like you need a lot of help.

Kevin

[Orich]

There is no OM other than an old friend who is helping her through this. She sees him once a week for an employment thing. She texts him a lot, but I think he just tells her what she wants to hear. Is there an EA? I don't know. I tend to think not because she is so set on being alone. Even when the M was good, she always maintained that she would be fine on her own, she doesn't need a man.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Orich,

I don't seem to be getting any questions answered that I am asking you. Not that I am trying to be on your case as there are times I could be accused of the same thing.

. . .

But PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not lose hope so fast. I can't tell you not to be sad about the current circumstances as we all know they are hard. But it is up to you how you are going to choose to walk through this and carry yourself. It is up to you if you are going to trust the Lord at this point and make the changes you need to make for yourself. If you don't trust in God, who else is there to trust in? I don't like the alternative.

Kevin

Kevin, that was an awesome, inspirational post!

Puppy

[K4D]

Orich,

My W said the same thing. Always said that she would be fine being alone. Even after announcing the D, she said she isn't looking for anyone else. I found out later that was all a bunch of lies. She did have someone and she was infatuated with him.

I'm not saying your W does. I think we are just saying it sounds very familiar. That would actually further explain her scripting to you.

I hope it is not the case.

Kevin

[Orich]

Here is "The Letter":

Orich,
Since I have a hard time expressing myself verbally, especially if it means hurting you, or anyone else for that matter, I thought I would write. I Just wanted to explain how I am feeling.
I know this may be difficult to hear and accept but I need to be honest with you. I really just don’t feel anything anymore for you in that kind of way. NO, I am not depressed and I don’t need medication. It was just something unplanned that seemed to happen over time. Without getting into specifics, I’ll just say it’s many things combined. Time, life experiences, kids, finances, expectations, etc… I am sure I played a role as well by never being honest and speaking up about what is on my mind. YES, family deaths as well. They made me see that life can end in an instant-and we must follow our heart. I know I always believed in Marriage and the commitment, after all I believed in PreCana very much. But now I see myself on the other side. I think if I was truly in love with you-my love would never have gone away. If it was real love, the reasons above would not have killed it. It would still be here going strong, as my picture frame says, it would never end.
I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want to hurt the kids. You and other people may call me selfish and any other names, but I can’t believe that me telling the truth and acting on how I feel is wrong. The kids would know eventually when they grow up and maybe think it is ok to stay with something that is not in your heart if we stuck it out. But I can only see things in the house getting uglier if we keep going on pretending as if nothing is wrong. Not that we are fighters or yellers, but they would sense the love is gone if they haven’t already. I know you wouldn’t want me to fake my feelings for you and just go on for the kids. I can’t do that because I just think that is living a lie as well. And I know you need that loving relationship.
As far as the Retrovaille weekend. I really have no interest in going and don’t believe I should go because I am already too far gone. I think it will only make your pain worse when in the end we will be where we are right now. It will do nothing more than give you False hope, I know you don’t like that word, but it is what it is.
Getting divorced was not my plan when I searched you years ago on the Internet. I was looking to change my life around from the mistakes I made in the first marriage. I told myself that after 9 months of living alone, I was ready for a new relationship, the right one, that would prove to everyone that I know what I am doing. I always make decisions based on what other people will think and not what I really want. I married the first time because I thought my brother approved since he worked with him. And now I see I married the second time, looking for someone who I had hoped was responsible and acceptable and respected. Those are all wonderful reasons, but TRUE LOVE should be the first reason to get married. I understand that now. But back then, I thought I would show the world that I could pick myself up after the Divorce (since no one in my family ever divorced before and it was frowned upon). But I made myself believe I was in love and things were great for years. But when real life experiences hit, that LOVE that I made myself believe I had for you, was just not strong enough, and not enough for me.
Having the kids was and is WONDERFUL. I can’t imagine life without them I am so happy they know God and I am looking forward to them finding out more while they go through St. Joseph’s. But how can I teach them about truth and honesty and good will and the love of God when I am lying to myself about how I feel in my marriage.
And of course they need their Father too. I know that. I would never even consider to take them from you. You show them so much about God. I believe you wouldn’t want to take them from me either. As for the house, of course I want to stay there. I grew up there, it is where I am from since I was born. That street is my home. It has been my Father’s home for the past 46 years when he first moved to that road. Aside from the fact that I think it is wrong to uplift someone who is going to be 80 years old and is really living now. It is also a stable, comfortable and familiar environment for the kids. Here is where you or other people would say, THEN STOP DOING THIS AND BEING SELFISH and causing these problems, but again, it still brings it all back to living a lie for the kids and my Dad and you, because I don’t love you. And to stay together would not promote a positive environment for anyone.
And I understand your comment, why should you leave if I am the one unhappy. I totally understand that. But it’s not about me and you anymore, it’s about the kids. I don’t know if we will still even have the house anymore if they don’t lower the mortgage. We may foreclose no matter who lives in it. The house has no value-it’s not like I can buy you out, but we need to act civilly to ensure the kids have what they need. It’s the kids and my Dad’s environment that I am worried about. If you will not leave then of course we have no choice but to foreclose and everyone will be forced live in apartments. We will all just have to adjust-but it will be harder.
We will have to work out a plan for the kids, it will be hard at first. But everyone will learn to adjust and we as parents should make sure to make it as easy for them as possible. That should be the number one priority.
You have a lot going for you and I know you will make it through this with strength from God and find that loving relationship that you want and deserve. You are retiring soon from the job you hate and will be getting another job and will be fine. I pray for you that you are strong and your life will only get better once this difficult time ends.
I know it will not be easy for me as well. Raising the kids and being alone. Financially just making it by until I find a job with more money. But I am ready for the change, for the sacrifice, for the hurt and pain that comes with it, for the people that will judge me and my decisions, BUT I know God is with me-he never leaves my side. I will never leave his, even if it is harder to see him now and understand why these things are happening, I know he is with me always and has some kind of plan and reasons for everything.
But moving forward, I found a lawyer who will only charge $1000.00 retainer and then $750.00 for rest. He can give us this rate because we filed for Bankruptcy. He can work with both of us so we don’t need to get separate lawyers. But that is up to you. Think about it and let me know what you want to do.
You may be thinking totally different about how to handle issues and have your own way in mind. Like wanting to screw me because you are mad and hurt. I understand that as well. I just want you to know I am not looking for a fight with the house, the kids or anything. I would rather us work it out and be civil, just as our marriage has always been. I don’t want the courts saying when you or I should see the kids. We should be able to work with each other.
The only reason now that I seem snippy and angry is because I am so unhappy in this situation (which I stopped taking out on you when you asked because you felt it is not fair). And we both have issues with communication so it is even more frustrating on both sides. This letter is helping me get it all out.
If it helps you to write, then write back. If you want to talk, then I am ready. But at least I got out much of what has been in me for so long.
I am sorry if you are hurting after reading this letter, there is no easy way to say these things. I am praying for you and for myself and the kids and everyone affected by me following my heart.

W.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

There is no OM other than an old friend who is helping her through this. She sees him once a week for an employment thing. She texts him a lot, but I think he just tells her what she wants to hear. Is there an EA? I don't know. I tend to think not because she is so set on being alone. Even when the M was good, she always maintained that she would be fine on her own, she doesn't need a man.

You watch how quickly, now that she has expressed her intentions to you in this letter and gotten her family's support, this "friend" suddenly turns into something much more.

As if it JUUUUUST happened.

Rrrrright.

Puppy