I havent been on here for a long time, been doing fine and having fun. Well I am at the race shop with my friends building a motor and I checked my messages on my phone, email from my ex wife. From what I see on the screen I see "I have debated" and im like great here comes some heat for something.
Well it then says "You may not read it all, reply, or care a thing about what's in it. But I need to write it to say what I need to say. As time goes on and I'm away from my babies half the time my heart breaks that I didn't give us the chance to work on things before giving up. This is something I will live with for the rest of my life. While understanding they need both of us, being away from them is harder and harder to bear. When I did what I did, I had no idea how it would affect everything forever. The impact was not real at that time and I am sorry, and probably always will be that I made such a hasty decision.
I have been in a situation recently where somone didn't respect my property that I have worked hard for, and finally understand how it is just impossible to talk to someone, or be in a relationship with someone who behaves that way. You don't really appreciate something until you have earned it all by yourself. I didn't appreciate our home, or all of our nice things, because I wasn't the one working for them. So I apologize for that as well.
Our kids are the most important thing in this world to me. I can't believe I have jeapordized their happiness and security without giving it more thought. I am saddened at the thought that it has taken my family being broken to grow as a person, and realize my many faults. While I know everything that happened bwtween us was not my fault, I realize more of it was than I thought at the time.
I am sorry I was unreasonable when we were together and acted like a child at times.
I used to think how maybe "one day" we could get back together and have realized with all the damage that has been done, that will probably never happen. Just know that I am very remorseful for what I have caused, more to our kids than to you or even myself. I have had a change of thinking recently. I'm having half my cervix removed because it has high grade cancerous cells. If that doesn't work then the Dr has talked about surgery (full hysterectomy) and radiation. I'm only telling you this so maybe you'll understand why I feel the need to say these things to you.
Last but not least, I wish you happiness from the bottom of my heart and want you to know this is a letter written without inhibition, to do nothing more than to relieve myself of feelings and guilt I have been carrying too long. I know you have and have had other relationships and I wish you well in them. I want, and am asking nothing between us to change (except maybe better communication)
* and my Dad was right- every time I look at our kids I see you, and for this- could never carry a grudge for whatever... for very long*"
I decided to just copy and paste the whole thing minus names. Too say the least, i was in shock. I have thought to myself many of times how great life really is since this was final Feb 20 of this year. Back in Dec going to a Xmas program with my kids and my mom the kids were talking about if mommy's male friend was coming kinda sealed the deal, really before that back in Oct when my buddy said she was with somebody at a party, really back last Aug when I wrote to hear and said this is how its going to be with the bills and everything. Funny how things work.
I fought as long and as hard as I could. The last time I wrote to her was back in Oct when the counselor said its probably too late and do what you think you gotta do. Told her once its done, its not going to be like that, you have your life and I have mine.
I do not like having to associate with her at all. Strictly business. Yes we are civil to each other but I am short and to the point and never raise my voice at her. I wasnt suprised that this was going to happen, but it has thrown me for a curve.
I fought and fought and fought and to no avail. I told the C the whole "maybe in 5 years we would have had a chance to get to known each other better...." when XW first filed.
Man there is just so much I want to say. I about come to tears when I read or think about her letter, but I am happy living the life I am in now. I have made new friends and connected with old ones, I dont have to answer to anyone and am free to my own decisions. I dated a girl for 4 months from Oct to Feb and although she was a great person all around, had to end it cause I wasnt ready for her or anyone and I still cannot convince her of that. Told her the other day that she obviously knows what she wants and I dont and I cant tell her when if ever I will be ready for her or anyone.
The X on the other hand, I dont know in that email if she is talking about this guy she has been with or not but it is what it is. I know a lil and it just makes me laugh. He is the same age and has a lil girl a lil younger than mine. He got a tatoo of her bite mark on his bicep sometime last year. His moms a doc or dad is, funny how my lil girl can get prescriptions on a Sunday and filled the same day. I put two and two together when I read the doctors name on the bottle and it was the same lastname he has. From what I have gathered, at age 28, he has been married and divorced twice! This last one was filed in Dec 08 and just got done Mar 09. But both didnt have children but he has a child, so I dont know, I dont ask.
The other day one of my racing buddies says his W got a facebook message from my XW. I said I really dont want to know anything about it. Well lastnight he was there when I got that email. I said to him, she is regretting her decision and its too late now. He said, yea that message his W got was kinda suspicous. I told him again and dont want to know what it was about.
I know this isnt the end of this between my X and me. I really dont know what to do. I mean I do but I dont. I have sat around and thought "would I ever take her back". Then I think, man we have been down that route way too many times, why is it going to be better this time. It really wasnt right from the get go and when I see her, I dont think she is all that attractive. Backing up to the counselor to that 5 year thing, the C was even like "how does she suspect everything she has put you and the kids thru after this thing is final that you are going to want to try and work it out?" That was my thoughts exactly and the C said it out loud for me.
To me its just amazing how much hurt one goes thru and tries to tell another that this is how its going to be and wth are we doing pissing away something that has potential that at the time they dont realize or want to believe you are right or close to it then they come back after its said and done realizing things. Just baffles me but I am guilty of it too to a certain degree.
Life goes on and there is a lot I am leaving out I am sure. Been away from this for a long while cause been doing good with my kids, work and race cars. So busy, there is no time for women, well sometimes! Lifes good.
