So i drove by w's place to look at car.Was going to work on it today.Then it struck me.Why am I doing this?Now I know she just wanted me to do it to save some money.Also now hearing about relationship with om has put in a different mood.Why should I save her money!On the flip side we talk here about trying to build up friendships with our WAS's.So by me telling her forget it,is that going to push us farther apart or maybe show her that I can still be a friend?I don't want to be taken for a fool either by her cause this is definitely cake eating right now.Are we showing we are the stronger one by doing the favor and not expecting anything in return?
2 schools of thought. What would Jesus expect of you as a H facing hard times and don't be a doormat. Its a struggle to balance the 2.
I'm sure that didn't help. Just my 2 cents.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
K4D, Now I'm really confused.Just kidding.Its a big decision.I know I do not want to be the doormat.But at the same time how I can I begin building a friendship back if I just stop giving her a hand.If I don't will she start relying on om?
Right now she is enjoying her fantasy with OM because you are there to take care of her real life needs. Maybe you should back off a while and give her a taste of real life without you. Will OM step in and do what you do if that happens? I'm not thinking it is likely. He is only in it for the fantasy probably right now as well.
Thats the whole thing. Both are living in a fantasy world without having to live in real life every day issues. When you step away, her real life issues become real. It will hopefully make her think.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Well I'm waiting for the call on why I didn't fix her car.I've decided for my own sanity that I just need to tell her that I do not want to talk to her anymore as long as she in another relationship.I can tell myself and my kids that I tried.Everything is up to her on where she is going.Even telling me about sep last night inside of divorce was probably more to placate me.She knows that after a year she can then file for the divorce.I am not taking s**t anymore.She'll see the grass isn't always greener.
When she calls, don't answer. Wait for a day or 2 and then call her back. In other words if you feel the way you do and it is actually probably good at this point, then become unavailable to her. But do not react negatively towards her. Always be cheerful and simply say if she asks for something that you are sorry but you have other things that you have to attend to right now and leave it at that. DB.
And it is not over just because OM is involved. That has to run its course. In the mean time, you can be working on you so you are that much more attractive once the fantasy ends with OM.
Try DBing first before you just tell your kids you tried. You are heroic in your efforts to be a good H to her. I commend you for that. But these are circumstances where the S that walks away has to learn the harsh reality some times of their choices. In this case it would involve you not being available right away unless it has to do with the kids or a real life true emergency.
Read Codependent No More. It has been suggested to me so I orderd the audio version since I hate to read books. I'd rather listen to it on CD.
This is no where near over. Don't give up. Did you ever read the story of the prodigal son in the bible? Sometimes they have to learn the hard way before they come back. Leave the door open and the path back smooth. Love your W like you are expected to but don't let her use you while she enjoys this fantasy. Make her earn the fantasy all on her own. Let her experience the problems that come with the fantasy and see if she really wants that. Its part of tough love and DBing.
Get out and enjoy yourself. What are you doing that is fun for you? Are you getting a life? Are you working out and making yourself more attractive? Do you know who you are? Are you comfortable with yourself? How is your faith? Do you talk and walk with God? Do you pray? What part does that play in your life?
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
K4D, Thank you for your response.I tried finding your original sitch but couldn't find it but it seems like you are going thru what I'm going thru also.Its incredible how everyones sitchs are so similiar.Anyway I know nothing is over till its over.As for doing stuff I try as hard as possible to keep busy.I'm in the best shape of my life.Not knowing the om is difficult to find what she finds attractive in him.My guess though is she is feeling the same as she did with me in the beginning.You know that excited,first time feeling.I'm not going to tell the kids I tried yet.In my post above I mentioned she would do sep agreement for 1 year.Problem is I know shes only doing this to make me happy.I know I cant control what she does.So you are saying act happy around her?I generally do.A 180 probably wont work in my place.I figured a shock treatment of LRT would be better.I figured by me telling her don't talk to me anymore might open her eyes a little bit.
You see if I tell her not to call then she realizes I'm not pursuing.I have treated her good our whole marriage so she knows me as a nice guy.Maybe she is not attracted to the nice guy anymore.So many questions to ponder and so much time
I'm not saying to tell her not to call. I wouldn't do that at all. I'm saying don't answer right away when she calls. Make it look like you have a life outside of her. Add some mystery to it.
The fact that you have a sep agreement for 1 year buys you time to let this fantasy run its course. And yes, that is exactly how it feels. It feels like the first time with you. Its all new. Its exciting. Its taboo. It is not reality. When reality hits, it changes. Thats why I am saying it is fantasy and let it run its course and it will run its course.
I'm glad you are in the best shape of your life. That is good to hear.
Being the nice guy almost never works. You might read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy and also Hold On To Your Nuts. Its not about being a jerk. Its about knowing how to stand up for yourself and not be a pushover. No, most women in this situation do not respect the nice guy. Puppy would be great for you to talk to in this situation. He is posting on Orich's thread right now. You might just hijack it for one post and say a quick tidbit about you being a nice guy and it not working and ask if he can come help you out.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
ThanksK4D, I didn't mean I would be a jerk to her either.I was just saying that I was always a nice guy and if I just told her when shes ready to talk to me like I wasn't a stranger then i would talk to her.I wanted to tell her that if there is someone else in her life right now then she doesn't really need to talk to me.
