d-day coming soon - help !

[misshim]

Same old stuff happening. I'm just going with the flow. My H behavior is so up and down, I lost track.

He texted me yesterday am - good morning! how are you doing today? Would you mind if I brought over something for dinner when I drop D4 off. (wednesday) night.

I said, that would be fine. I'm tired of this emotional struggle. Always questioning my ways with H. I decided since I can't stop the D I'll just be nice to him and enjoy the free dinner, when he's in the mood to ask me if I want it.

We played outside w/D4 last night. We really did have a blast, we had deer out in our corn field and D4 was trying to "catch them to pet" ha-ha. H and I were laughing so hard. It was fun, actually the best it's ever been.

D4 asked him to put her to bed (of course) then he came out and napped in recliner. I woke him up so he could leave. H asked if he could stay and "snuggle" with me. I'm such a sap, I said snuggle only. He said fine. It was so nice, I held his hand as I prayed quietly for the two of us to find "us" again and for strength to grow.

I slept in his arms almost all night. No kissing, I wanted to but H made clear along time ago, he doesn't kiss anymore. I kissed him on the cheek and told him goodnight. He nuzzled into my neck and said goodnight. I woke him up 4am this morning for him to go to work. He never wanted me to ever make his lunch when he was living there. But I did make him a lunch this am and I put alittle note inside the lunch bag. Knowing him, he'll never even acknowledge it, but it made me feel good to do it.

Who knows if right or wrong in the DB world. We have been through so much and I know it's almost over. To be held maybe for the last time was something I wanted to savor.

As tough as it is going to be. I will have to let him go as of d-day (aug. 1) I made a promise to myself, just let go. No more "sleepovers" and no putting D4 to bed. H has been told also that it will end at the divorce date, (he used to say, yea, I know) If we have to take her to a C then so be it to help her adjust to the situation. I should have stopped it along time ago, but it was nice having him there with us and I didn't want to let go. We have just about 1 week left to enjoy each other. Crazy, I can't believe it's almost over.

Maybe someday there will be a chance for us. But in the mean time I will be strong and do what I need to do to keep my sanity and MY heart happy. I sound selfish but of course I'll make sure my daughter is happy as well.

Have a good day everyone