The dream & the letter were helpful to me. I didn't send the letter, it was enough just to get the thoughts & feelings out of my head & my heart. I felt better for a while. But now I am missing him again and I long to see him. It's so difficult to be doing the self reflection and practicing DB principles when there is so little contact in which I can demonstrate my understaning & show my interest & concern. My GF ran into BF and he felt the need to defend his version. He told her I didn't care that he was sick and that I didn't consider his feelings when I got the cat. He told her he loved me so much he would have laid down his life for me, but he didn't believe I felt the same for him. What the...?! I don't kow how he can be thinking I wasn't concerned about his illness!! And how dramatic - he loved me enough to die for me, but not enough to live with my cats! This all seems so unnecessary and sad. I know my perception matters little and I should remain focused on his.
I met him soon after my exh left our home to be with ow. He became an important crutch to my emotional state at that time. I think I didn't have enough time & space to get over exh on my own. So that not only does this situation bring it's own pain, but it's ripped the bandaid off exposing the older wound as well.
I am discouraged that I have so little opportunity to show him what I've learned and to demonstrate my concern for him. All I can do is call every few wks and sound cheery & interested in him. I'm working so hard on my PMA and it's frustrating that I have so little avenues to show him. I can say there is what I'd call baby steps, but it's stopped there. I fell like I'm stuck in the muck and can't move on. I know time is required if this is to work, but it's hard to surrender to time. I feel like I'm in suspended animation. When I can snap out of this pitiful mood, I think I'm due for a phone call to him. That always makes me feel better anyway. And it's all I know to do at this point.
