Fallgirl`s Second Thread

[cat04]

Fallgirl,

I sort of let the underwear thing slide because there really is nothing you can do about it. H MIGHT have bought then because of OW. He MIGHT have bought them to see if he liked them. He MIGHT have bought then because he is nuts. He MIGHT have bought them to see if you would find them and question him. The thinking is NOT clear or right when they are like this. They are confused although you are not in the stage where you will HEAR this from them. That comes later. Your H is not at a point where you are going to see any major positive changes yet. But you can still work on you. One thing you have to decide for you, IF he is having an affair, is that something you can get past? Is that something you can forgive in the future? If you were to find out for certain, would that make any difference in what you want or in your love for him?

I will share that there have been at least 2ow in my sitch. Actually used to make me nuts, at least H said that was why, then a few months later said he never said that. It hurt like he**, but I survived it. I have forgiven H for that, don't ask how because I really don't know, especially since I hung onto some other stuff that wasn't as bad for a lot longer. My trust in H is at minus zero, but that isn't the reason why. I honestly don't know if trust is even the right word really. I expect nothing he says to be real right now, until there is an action to support it. I think that was something I had to work on for me because I was actually so trusting of H that if he said he would empty the dishwasher and then didn't, I would feel like he lied and betrayed me. H is not perfect by any means and neither am I but we both expected the other to be.

I was rereading my post about staying and your reply just a minute ago and I got something. Words and actions go together. You, like I did, are trying to convince yourself which direction is the best one. Well guess what, so are our H, which shows just how convicted they are in their decision. Mind you, they are also sort of trying to put the choice on us, which really isn't fair but... At this point, you really just have to work on the demons you are seeing within yourself. FOR YOU.

Why for you? Because as you change yourself, you will be less on his rollercoaster and more able to decide what YOU want. You will worry less about what others think of your choice. One of the nice things with this board, yes it is about saving M, but almost everyone here will support what ever choice you end up making for yourself and help you through if you let them. Yes they will also call you on what might be screwy thinking if they see it. They will challenge you so that you KNOW you are doing the right thing for yourself. So stop the it is probably too late thinking. Stop the it is all my fault. It always takes two. Always. But you can only control you and whether or not it saves your M, it will make you a better person.

And from someone much further down the road, I had a bad day yesterday. Still some stuff to work on in myself. Something with son, but stemming from H unfortunately. Sort of anyway. What did I do differently, I shared it with H. Told him I need his help. Was very clear what help I need as well. He seemed to receive it ok after his little fit of anger. I guess we will see down the road what happens with it. So see we all have bad days.