Hey SpyBunny, Though this might sound a bit off - don't worry about your H and why he does what he does...that doesn't really matter in the long run - as only he can take care of his business - just as you need to focus on your own business.
Though it's odd to say this, I can relate at least to the way in which your H treated you - in that I was in a very similar relationship - in which I was often defined and told what I was thinking - and, in my unhealthy approach to love, I thought that appeasing that attitude was a way of offering love...instead it just compromised me - and made me give up a lot of who I was...
Getting to find yourself requires making some tough decisions - sometimes chief among them is the decision to take on the things that we fear most...since it's those fears that have held us in unhealthy places for so long.
Sounds like your IC is helping you a lot - and I think it's good to recognize that you were/are in an emotionally abusive relationship - it's also very good that your approaching it in a practical terms and looking into ways to protect yourself from making mistakes that could come back and complicate things later.
I saw today on another's thread where she is in an abusive relationship and needs to get out, but one of the things that's holding her back is that she still loves her husband. I think I can honestly say that I don't love mine anymore. I don't hate him either, although I proably should. It's just general concern as the father of my children, but other than that, I feel nothing. And I can pinpoint the exact moment when my love died, he killed it. It felt like a night from h***. The last couple years I've had a hope that he would find someone else and walk-away himself so I didn't feel like the bad guy when I did it. One of the things that's been holding me back is letting go of the fantasy of "Happily Ever After". It wasn't supposed to be like this!!!
That is a great point. Like Shocked said, most of us first timers feel that way. I was trying to put my finger on why it hurt so much and loosing the "innocense" behind the whole idea of M was a big factor. Everyone wants the "ever after" story, but not everyone is willing to do the WORK involved. In order to make it work both partners need to have the "whatever it takes.." attitude. If not it's just a matter of time that one decides its not worth. I miss the whole fantasy/innocent feeling of what love and marriage is all about, but once you realize that you control your own happiness and destiny then it gets easier.
I'm sorry you feel that way about your H. He has hurt you and has made you feel like an object, but hopefully he is not a lost cause. Hopefully, you both can find love again.
I pray that you both are able to do the work and become the family and have the M you always dreamed of. If not, hopefully through this experience you will become the person you always wanted to be.
A big problem occurs when H and W would both love to make it work, but they don't agree on what kind of work is required, who should do the work, or what the final end product should look like.
Good point. That is why counseling is so important. But both partners have to want it bad enough to go. He is in a MLC fog right now and doesnt see the point. Like I said, hopefully, the thought of losing you and the "family" will be enough motivation. You have to follow through though and stick to your guns. I would say a minimum of 6 months seperation from him to really feel the lose. Tell him to leave and live his sick and selfish life... you have too much self-respect to be someones object YOU WANT A PARTNER. If he threatens the D again. Just tell him that "You do what you need to do and I will do the same... and let him do the legal work if he feels necessary. Chances are it will all be a bluff though. I would seek legal counsel to learn your rights and legal position. You dont need to let him know that though.
You both need time to set away and find some clarity.
A clean slate is possible if both partners are willing. I pray that he can "man up" for his family. Putting the pride aside and getting help is not easy. We all can relate. He just needs to have his priorities adjusted. I wish he had a brother that could kick the crap out of him and put things into perspective for him. I know I would. He has no idea how good he has it until it gone. "They think they know, but have no idea..."
Show him by your actions not your words on how much self-respect you have... Whether it's today or Sept. it's NOW all about Bunny and her happiness.
Once you kick him out the family will find out. Then you will have plenty of time to explain your perspective. Ofcourse his side will be a lot different. Stay true to yourself, the rest will take care of itself.
I made a couple of appointments for next Thursday, one to look at an apartment (I think I'm going to end up being the one moving- I don't want a fight about who goes, I just want to get some distance), and one with my IC.
Who moves out has always been a topic of debate on this forum. The person who wants to leave is usually the one to move out so in your case it makes sense. Although, one could make a case by his actions and no concern for you he is asking to leave.
For your case, to get away from everything might be the way to go. I would definitely ask your legal counsel first.
I for one am very proud of you sticking up for yourself like this.
I really hope your H decides to do the "right" thing for him and you.
