Thanks everyone who has commented. Glad to know that I am not alone.
I have been trying hard to save up money so that I can leave if I need to. I have a place to go that my h has never been before (with a good friend) and that he does not know how to contact. I have a bag of a few essentials for me and each of the kids. I had extra keys to the house until my H deided to change the locks and get a key of his own. I have a key too. He never had a key to our house in the last two years for some reason.
I wrote a letter to my H and tucked it in his bag when he left this morning to go to Mississippi. He has not found it yet that I know of. I wrote a 3 page letter to him telling him that I loved him but that I did not like him. That I could not live our marriage this way and that I was unhappy with the way that we are right now.
Our divorce is still pending with the papers still at the lawyers office. I don't know what I want to do. I see that he is getting worse with the way that he talks to me. He has broken things in the past but so have I. I threw a glass on the floor at his feet once. I am no angel either. He has never hurt my kids or been overly mean to them. He has been physical with me in the past but it was along time ago ( I am not making excuses for him on it being along time ago I am just stating the truth here).
I think that I am afraid to leave because of what it will do to me and my kids finacially and emotionally. My daughter asked me in front of him last night, "I thought you guys were getting a divorce? Are you still?" I did not know what to answer and my H said nothing so I told her that it was some thing that we were working on and told her that she did not need to worry about it right now. I don't know if I did the right thing or not but it took me by surprise.
How can I love this man so much but be hurt, resentful, untrusting towards him? I want to be with the man that I married. The man that I know that he can be and has been before. How do I find that man again?
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
I'm sorry you're sad and confused. I feel the same way about my sitch. But, lost...really, my opinion is that he cannot be that man again, that he pretended to be that man so he could get you. He does not treat you with love, he treats you with cruelty. Good people don't do that.
As far as you not being "an angel" I'm going to say that you are not likely to hurt him, are you? But he's capable of hurting you. He locked you up for God's sake. He was texting sex messages to your sister when you filed for divorce. What kind of person does that? Not a good person.
You are right breakaway. I know that you are right but I have such a hard time just making the right choice.
I don't know if it's because I am scared of being alone, or that I don't think that I can make it on my own, or that I really think that he can be the man I married again and want to give him that chance.
Do I give myself a time limit? On such and such day if things have not changed for the better and have remained changed then I am leaving? I don't kow if I can make it on my own and support my girls. The dads of my girls are no help so it would just be me that would be dealing with it. Right now at my present job (which I love and it is flexible for kids), I could not make it. I would have to quit and find something else and the job market around here stinks.
I don't know what to do. I know that he has to change though.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
I'm in a similar situation, and I think I know what you're feeling. My husband is abusive also, in a different way, and I'm trying to steel myself up for leaving. I have the same ambivalence that you do about leaving- not sure if I'm making the right choice, scared of the financial and emotional consequences, etc.
I'm finally starting to talk to people about what is going on in my life, it's been so embarrassing to admit. I'm trying to remember that the embarrassment is his to bear, not mine. After describing the situation here on the boards, and getting a chorus of "Get OUT!", it's really sinking in that it's what I need to do, and it's hard. My counselor has told me that he was abusive and I don't think I really believed her until I heard the posters here saying the same thing.
There are issues in the marriage that are fixable with time, I know that, but my H has issues require professional help, and I can't stick around if he doesn't get that help. Maybe my leaving will be the kick in the butt that he needs to get that help, I kinda doubt it tho. Right now he sees everything that's wrong in the M as my fault. I knew that wasn't true but didn't know how to stand up for myself. I'm still working on that.
But, you know, as much as I worry about the financial hit, I think my biggest hangup about it is letting go of the fantasy of "happily ever after". It wasn't supposed to be like this!! One difference we have: You say that you still love your H, but I can't say that I do. And I can identify the exact moment that love died. I don't love him, don't hate him, I feel only concern as he is the father of my children.
We'll both get through this, and survive, and thrive. We have to- we're mothers, we have no choice but to do that for our kids. We're no good to them beaten down, what kind of example is that to set? And I admit, I'm trying to convince myself as much as you as I type this.
People DO change. They change all the time. And you can initiate many changes by changing what YOU DO. Not by your words not by your requests.
These changes usually are figured out by trial and error, and unfortunately, when things get physical, you don't have a large margin for figuring things out, putting distance between you is the best way to work things out, if that's what you choose to do.
Some abusers do change. You cannot count on it.
MY OPINION, not necessarily DB advice:
You are worth so much more than that risk. Girls, he WILL screw you over financially. Don't worry about it. Others will step forward to help you. It WILL be ok.
You will become a giant emotionally. Be brave. You already have been. You have so many emotional and relational skills, doing the dance you've been doing with him.
One caution: DO NOT POST too many details of your plan. You do not want to be able to be 'found' by your details on the board. And the details might not get removed by a moderator if you accidentally post. Be careful.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Really, if you need to get out fast, and you need to not wait until you need to get out fast....
DON'T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Go to a shelter. People donate money to help women and children in these situations. The money will come. It probably won't be extra, but it will be ok.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
