Divorce not busted 2

[givingitmyall]

O,

A lot of what she is saying is script. You know that. She is not going to show you ANY weakness. Yet another reason to detach - get your confidence up, then attack this problem.

Remember, you can't make HER do anything.

And, you can fight for your M without fighting for HER. HER has to want to change, and that's not going to happen until you get your confidence going (another way of saying detach).

[FaithfulH]

Orich,

You surely heard the often shared adage..."Believe NONE of what they say and only HALF of what they do!" It doesn't mean your W is lying...she believes what she is saying. But has she EVER changed her beliefs? Why are we so quick to believe that they were lying when they said they loved us....but, we believe they are thinking so clearly when they walk away? You MUST get your eyes off of her for now....focus on you and the kids! Somebody gave me great advice early on....assume that she has gone on a long trip far, far away (in an emotional sense it is true). You have to make sure that, WHEN she returns from her long journey, YOU are a much stronger person.

[Coach]

Orich, You might not be depressed but your beliefs and thinking will get you there if you are not self-aware. Google "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman and read up on how you are thinking. The first thing to do to get out of a hole is stop digging.

FWIW I didn't make any progress with my wife until she moved out and filed D papers. You are just getting started to work on your journey. You can handle it.

Cheers
Coach

[K4D]

Orich,

I don't seem to be getting any questions answered that I am asking you. Not that I am trying to be on your case as there are times I could be accused of the same thing.

However, have you gone to rejoiceministries.org? Have you started reading FaithfulH's thread?

I do see you starting to slip into a dark depression. You could benefit from a strong antidepressant at the very minimum. If you are open to C and listening, I would suggest that as well. But you have to be open to it for it to benefit you any.

I am praying for you. And again, I don't know if you are reading our threads, but it is NOT over yet. You are giving up way to easily. You are quitting before the race has even really begun. Did you read what we told you about the D process taking a while and many changes have happened through it even when all else seemed hopeless? Where is your faith in God? Where is your strength to stand in the face of a challenge? I know you are stronger than this.

Don't retreat when things look bad. If you are depressed and giving up already, then you have already lost the battle. If you are strong and confident and keep on fighting, there is no reason for you to believe it is over.

My sitch looks completely hopeless. But I still have faith that at some point some day, things will turn the other way. Is it hard? Yes, very hard. Have I wanted to give up and walk away? Most certainly. Many times. But then I bounce back and remember that nothing is impossible with God. God said he can change a heart of stone into a heart of flesh. Please read FaithfulH's thread and you will see what I am saying. Where she is at mentally right now means absolutely nothing. NOTHING!

Things may look hopeless for a while. You need to remember who is in charge and who wants your M to succeed and be restored. God can make things happen that you can't see right now. Do you trust him? Can you entrust your W to him? Do you have enough faith in God to do that? Like a song says that I love... "Get On Your Knees And Fight Like A Man".

You can do this. Cmon, you don't run in your line of work and you have a very dangerous job that requires lots of courage. Use that same courage towards your M.

If you are interested, there is a group of Noreastern Standers that meets once a month that FaithfulH is apart of. They just met this past tuesday for dinner and prayer. They are a great group of guys. I am part of that group as well except that I live in Texas so I can't join the dinners. But FaithfulH is moving here and we are going to start our own prayer and dinner group. I can put you in touch with these guys if you would be interested. You already have my email address I believe. Let me know.

But PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not lose hope so fast. I can't tell you not to be sad about the current circumstances as we all know they are hard. But it is up to you how you are going to choose to walk through this and carry yourself. It is up to you if you are going to trust the Lord at this point and make the changes you need to make for yourself. If you don't trust in God, who else is there to trust in? I don't like the alternative.

Kevin

[pigskin]

Remember the teacup story Orich. I'm praying for you.

Your stance on fighting for your marriage is the same one God wants you to take. You can't go wrong with that. He's on YOUR side, not that of your wife. Trust Him.

[K4D]

Also, you have some of the top people on this sight trying to help you who have been where you are. Please listen to them. FaithfulH and Coach have both rescued their M's when all seemed hopeless. I have never posted to Coach before but have read many of his threads. I also asked 25yearsmlc to help you as well. She is also in the process of piecing her M back together after 3 years. I hope she will come talk to you.

These people are all gifts to you as well as the others that are in your circumstances right now that have a ton of advice and widom to offer you.

Please listen to them and do not give up before the fight has even really gotten started for you M. Your kids are counting on you. God is counting on you. The people on this forum are counting on you to find strength within yourself. We know you can do it. But you have to believe within yourself. I liked FaithfulH's comment about your W being on a long mental vacation and you needing to be better when she comes back.

A lot of times, people give up to soon on their WAS and they just turn another way. They don't hang in there for what might have been and as a result they don't get to be part of what might have been an even better M than it ever was before. Keep walking. Your S is worth every bit of pain that you are going through right now. There is a mountain in front of you. But when you get to the other side of that mountain, you will see that it was worth it. You are being tested right now. Can you climb that mountain or are you going to look at it and say it is to high and turn your back and walk the other way? Which is it? We know that you can climb it. But do you believe you can climb it. It doesn't matter what we know, it matters what you think about yourself.

Yes, this is the most difficult time of your life. Face this and you can face anything. Take this on and you can take on anything. Stand with us for your M.

Kevin

[Thinker]

She doesn't even like me. She told me she is very happy as long as I am not around.

Orich,

I hear the same things. I see the same things.

It absolutely part of the script, and It will absolutely drive you crazy.

Don't let it.

First the bad news: Your W really does feel that way. She really does not think you are friends, she really is happier when you are not around. This is her reality, and to her it is real.

But now the Good news: You can't take it personally. She is unhappier when you are around because she is making herself unhappy when you are around. She does not feel you are friends because this is her reality. It is not your fault. This is not about you. It does not have to make you miserable and depressed. You can separate your reality - your thoughts, and beliefs about yourself and the world - from hers. It helps you get off the roller coaster.


If you haven't read "The 4 Agreements", then get a copy and read it.

• Be Impeccable with your word
• Don't take anything personally
• Don't make assumptions
• Always do your best

I feel that you are taking her views on you and your situation very personally. You are starting to make her view on the R yours. You are making assumptions about what she is thinking and where the R is going. You are violating the last 3 points given above.

Your reality is that you are strong, self confident, loving. You take care of yourself and your family. You have fun and lead a balanced life.

Make sure you are living that reality. Take your focus off of your W and put it back on you.

I know what you are going through, I really do. I have struggled in the past few weeks to get my focus back on myself. Whenever ones spouse does or says something painful or hurtful, it tends to pull our focus off of ourselves and back onto them.

Take a real look at yourself, your sitch, your life. Look at the worst case scenario - Divorce? Look at it and realize that even in this case, you will be OK. You will have a happy life. You will be a great Dad to your kids. You will love and be loved.

Once you realize that, really realize that, then you can focus on yourself again.

Sorry I am rambling a bit - still haven't had enough coffee yet.

[JKL2009]

Some really great posts these last page or so. We hit these dark times, we get down on ourselves and we lose hope. These words help so much. Focus on yourself and what you can control. Remember you own feelings and don't fall into the pit the WAS is in and trying to drag us down. Be strong, patient, and look to the future you want to get to.

[mulesqb]

Well, that's it.
Just spoke to W. She is not going to Retro. She has now told her whole family. They are supporting her moving on. She is going to contact a mediator. She wrote me a letter that she is going to send me tomorrow. That's it. She is done. Everytime I had some hope, including when she initially agreed to retro, she only did because she felt bad for me. She never had anything in her heart other than to leave.
Needless to say, I am beyond devastated. I didn't know what to say while she was telling me this stuff, so I just stayed pretty quiet. I really don't know what to do. There was never any hope. She told me she is happy whenever I am not around, and when I am, she is unhappy.
It's really over. 12 years of my life with my beautiful bride are gone behind me. I've lost her.
Fellow DBers, please help me through this.

Orich - I'm not going to sugarcoat this. It sucks...completely. There are so many people here that have had the identical conversation. Guess what?? You will get through this whether your M survives or not. You love your W, are an amazing H, dad and person. She does not have the capacity to see that right now. Maybe one day she will, plan on it not happening. Worst case scenario - if you D - there is a life out there for you. So know that now. How you handle what is coming up is important. It's time to really dig deep and find yourself. Step out of character if you have to. Be incredibly strong about this - blow her away!! You can do that.

There is a natural course of emotions that go along with this. Let them happen - keep them from her. Be strong and confident in front of her. She clearly needs space now anyway. So give it to her.

I'm telling you, you can handle this. It is extremely difficult, but you can handle it. Make a plan for yourself right now about your interactions with her. Decide that every time around her you will be that strong confident guy. For me, it was repeating Strength and Honor to myself. Find what works for you.

She also may flip flop on this decision a few times. Go with the flow - no skin off your back.

But please keep the emotion away from her. She will be questioning her decision many times coming up - don't give her justification for it. It's time for you to step out of your shell.

BTW - Thinker's post above is incredible!

Strength and Honor.

[Orich]

I got her letter. Ouch to th millionth degree.