Another weekend, another Monday of confusion for me. To sum it all up - how can a WAW be so friendly and pleasant and laugh with you and act like things are OK sometimes but be so sure when she tells close family and friends she is so happy to be making the decision to D and she is so glad they support her and it is years in the making?
Sat. we had a great day - spent all afternoon at a friend's block party (they don't know what is in the works) where we talked and laughed and had a great time. When we left the couple said we need to all go out again like we did (the week before WAW dropped the D bomb on me) and WAW said yes, great idea. WTF.
We got home and saw neighbors' sitting on their porch chillin' w/ wine and they asked us over. We hung out for a couple of hours, WAW laughing and enjoying things and reaching out and touching me on the arm a few times as we were telling stories. Went to bed and I said I had a nice time today and she said it was a "good day."
Sunday WAW and S went to kid's bday party while I went cycling. They got back in the afternoon, and we hung out on the deck and played in the little pool and enjoyed a great summer afternoon. We grilled some dinner and got to talking, where then WAW brought up some things about how I "never" did this or "never" did that and it was hard and whatever. It is so tough to hear the digs on me, the 6 years of this and that and hearing the script why we are getting the D, the twisting of the knife, and I want to argue and defend myself, even if what she brings up is 80% right I want to point out the 20% I can defend, but I largely just take it because what is the point?
This week we are meeting a realtor, getting advice on selling house. I know WAW wants to be out of the house within a month or two, though depends on selling it. I am torn these days wanting to be out from here as well, away from her on a daily basis and in my own space, but knowing that likely will just cause her to not see me and my improvements as much. I assume that once we are truly separated the likelihood of getting back together plummets.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
how can a WAW be so friendly and pleasant and laugh with you and act like things are OK sometimes but be so sure when she tells close family and friends she is so happy to be making the decision to D and she is so glad they support her and it is years in the making?
You know the answer - b/c she's confused and really doesn't know what she wants or is so far blind to what her "new life" will be. You are just going to have to let this play out to see what happens.
Quote:
WAW brought up some things about how I "never" did this or "never" did that and it was hard and whatever.
Two things here. First, she is re-writing history. Almost all WAS' do this. Second, when a woman says "never" she really means "not usually." Some of my reading has helped me understand this. She is probably just venting some anger/frustration - which, IMHO, is good. She needs to get this out. And, I understand your desire to fight back and be defensive. But, I'm glad you didn't, b/c it would not have helped. Remember, VALIDATE her feelings - it doesn't matter right now whether she's right or wrong. All that matters, for now, is her perception.
We both just have to be strong right now - I know it gets frustrating and you probably feel like me right now - whay isn't this moving along?
Oh its moving along. Realtor meeting tonight. Waiting for a call from my attorney who talked to her attorney today on child support figures and other matters. It is moving along right on to separation and divorce.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Got _real_ real tonight. Realtor came back with much lower price than we thought house worth. This means far less $ in our (separate) pockets then. ALso, lawyers talking money for child support also lower. WAW went back and forth bewteen anger and giving up on D. Very volitle night. Very tough to avoid being called out as acting mean and whatnot when trying to poiint out I have interests in this all as well that my lawyer is trying to protect. Who knows, rough night but the most relaity yet so that might be good.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Sounds like the dark cloud of reality is beginning to settle in. I think this is good.
She will probably lash out at you as she begins to realize her dreams of a new wonderful life aren't going to materialize. Just get ready for it and weather it with strength. It will pass.
If I were where you are, I would back off and give her tons of space. Focus on the little guy and yourself. She has to wrestle with this problem. Remember, she's the one who wants out, let her deal with the stark reality of HER decision.
Oh, and definitely stick up for yourself on protecting your interests. Don't be a jerk (know you won't), but let her know what you will be fighting for.
My thoughts exactly. This is real as it has got. She can't stop talking about the financial aspect of things, how "poor" she will be and how I am fighting her about money. All script, right? Her lawyer fuels this all, saying I am dragging this out. Like this stuff just can be knocked out in days!
I am going to try very hard to give her breathing room. Lord knows she needs it on many levels. Considering last night she went from angry to saying she might as well forget the D to angry again, who knows what will happen. It was rough, hearing she hates me and I am fighting her for selfish reasons. She asks me why I want to stay in the M when clearly she is so angry and resentful. I am just trying to respond in word and action with love while protecting my rights and interests.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
It was rough, hearing she hates me and I am fighting her for selfish reasons. She asks me why I want to stay in the M when clearly she is so angry and resentful. I am just trying to respond in word and action with love while protecting my rights and interests.
You are doing exactly what you should be doing. It's called tough love. I have seen people on these boards talk about a spouse who is in MLC and how the LBS should treat the MLC spouse as a teenager when it comes to understanding the MLC's actions and words. I think we with the WAS can apply this as well.
Your W is angry b/c she is now realizing that her vision of the future isn't reality. Reality is bills, two households, shared children, and having to confront those things ALONE.
Just view your W right now as a teenager when it comes to her anger. She will lash out at you b/c she views YOU as the cause of all her problems. And she will be angry b/c dammit, she wants her new life and she wants it NOW. Only problem is that little issue of fantasy v. reality.
Of course she thinks you are fighting her unfairly. B/c you aren't just rolling over and letting her have her way. Think teenager again. This will pass.
Keep on keepin it real. No, you keeps it realer than she does.
Last couple of days have been relatively quiet. Tuesday WAW and I did some good "co-parenting" stuff with our energetic, strong willed S. Trying to get him to listen better and be a bit more responsible. Felt good to work as a team, and I think she felt that way too (but I am focused on me).
Yesterday some things came up again after work about the reality of this all when WAW brought it up. Not as outwardly angry as before, but talked of things like giving up on everything since she doesn't want to spend more $ on lawyers, wants to just leave, and basically upset that her plan is not going as she thought. I listened and validated. I did say that no matter what happens, I have and will continue to make changes including my behavior as well as issues with finances and the house she is bothered by.
She is still in the fog, still angry, but not as much so and I am seeing the reality of it all hitting her a bit more.
As she was leaving work this morning, I complimented her on her new skirt she was wearing, and yes gave her a little pat on the butt and said "nice." She responded by saying "I bet you do that to all the girls at work" which I laughed and said "yeah right." She then came over to me, pretended to be "me at work" like she joked and patted and pinched my butt!
Last edited by JKL2009; 07/23/0901:10 PM.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Sounds like you are doing well, and handling it perfectly. Just stick with the plan and see where it goes.
You sound good.
One thing Sandi told me was when you give compliments, dont do them generally (You look good, nice, etc,). Tie it in to something specific (You look great in that dress - the color works well for you).
Gonna have to start looking at bikes - I did something to my ankle on my Monday run - it is purple righ below the ankle joint on the inside of my foot, and swollen. Strangely, very little pain. Anyway, my days of high impact stuff are numbered. High school football and a lifetime of running have seen to that.
