Yesterday felt so much better. Getting on board here, getting all those insights into the demon in ME helped calm me. So I GALd lots, and when H came home I was bright and cheerful told him I was off for a walk and had dinner left over if he wanted to eat it.

I don`t recall H saying anything more than "Yeah" yesterday. But at least he ate dinner and emptied the dishwasher. I`d decided I wasn`t going to be leaving a room just cos he was there so, when I returned from the walk (also met up with a GF so I was gone for two hours), the whole family ended up watching the end of a Fawlty Towers episode together. First time we were together watching something in I don`t know how long.

I know he hates my guts and wish I would leave his life forever And of course, my insights yesterday won`t filter through to him for yonks, if ever, but I`m looking now at why I get so scared/angry so easily. Family of origin stuff. That I have to heal if I`m to stand tall and strong but loving in any space with H. Meanwhile, I just won`t stand in his space too much-he`ll recover better without me. But when I am there I`m not going into an angry or fearful place.

Mach, was it you who posted before re turning one`s anger into a shield to protect rather than a sword to strike?Anyway, I am so very grateful for your time here. Yes, I`m struggling with Negative expectations and negative thinking. It`s a whole familial, cultural(Irish Catholic)thing I`ve got going here.

This morning, during prayer, I got a whole sense of my failings( and at this point I`m thinking its mostly my failings and I`m too bloody late in seeing that!) and H`s failings melding together to create this divorce genie that`s wrecking havoc in the lives of the family. I know it`ll be one heck of a job to get it back into its bottle.

Mindblank,maybe you`re right about H hoping I`d find his stuff.Maybe he`s in a dream world of drawing women to him. He needs to be because he needs to believe that women will love, adore, praise him since he got so little of that from me. Specifically the praise. So I praise him in my head now, and pray for him and am waiting for the day when we`ll open up enough to each other so that I can give him sincere praise.

Stormrider, its a tough station but the learning is good!