desperate...

[1853dave]

Hi MotoB,

I read most of your sitch - so sorry to hear you are in the grinder right now. I've been there too. Protection order - what a joke, but it made her L a lot of money. Totally unuwarranted, but if they go to a judge and say "I'm scared!" then that's all it takes. MY L said "They hand them out like candy..." and they REALLY do. Had a Child and Family Investigator get involved - several thousand $$ went to her too - only to find that we are a regular couple...with marital problems. My restraining order (often under the misnomer "protection order") lasted for about 90 days. From November through January - included all of the major holiday, and both daughters' birthdays. Real nice. Her L was the big pusher of the restraining order. She even tried to have me arrested (on a false accusation of a violation) and the cop who responded told my W to stop being a puppet of her L, because if I end up in jail I might lose my job, and that wouldn't help the kids any (I'm the only family income-maker). Eventually, we went to mediation, and we talked and she agreed to drop the order - against her L's advice!!! This woman is a real piece of work - everyone knows her locally, and she used to be a judge in town but was FIRED from her job! But anyway....

This will be hard to hear maybe, but you will need to try to chill. It is unfair, it is not right, and you are getting shafted right now. That is all correct. But it could change any day. Try your best to NOT react. There were PLENTY of days I wasn't sure I could go on... I was restricted from seeing my daughters too, and it was H_LL for me...I had to be supervised, etc., and THAT was a big slap in the face. Absolutely ridiculous.

Happily, that is behind me now. I get along pretty well with the W now... We talk a lot more, and we are friendly... The D date is set for October, and I am getting real short on $$ because the nice judge let me pay her over 80% of my paycheck (temp financial orders) - but I am slowly working my way to some normalcy. I see my girls pretty often now, and speak to them daily...which means I speak to or see my W daily now too. I've been DBing my butt off, and seeing some positive results. I hope like heck that I am successful in saving my M, because I know in my heart that it can (will?) be better than ever. Just this past weekend I asked my W if she would reconsider the D date, and maybe we could work on things instead, and she told me she'd think about it... Which was great news for me! No guarantees of course, but this is a shift in her response from the past...when she assured me she wanted out.

I've been at this for 9 months now. I don't know how long it will take, and I hope I'm successful, but you have to hang in there, and try, try, try to be patient.

Try to think of improvements she'd like to see, and get to work on them now. For me, it took me a while to learn to stop being defensive, and to listen to my W, which means accepting what she says (even if you don't agree) and not interrupting. I also found, in time, that when I gave a bit, she'd give a bit.

This takes time...so try to make yourself happy, realign your focus, enjoy your time with your D, and DON'T PANIC. Easy advice to give, hard to follow at this time, but try your best.

Good luck man, Others have done it, so can you.