Fog is lifting for my german wife

[PortlandDad]

It's been a while since I posted anything here. I've discovered that I have a lot of friends on this newfangled invention called Facebook, and that has been draining my free time.

I wanted to update my sitch for the sake of journaling. Here goes.

It's been quite some time since my W and I have had a real conversation. Mostly she calls once or twice a week. I keep the conversation really low key and always let her initiate the topic of discussion. Mostly she just wants to talk about the kids, or the weather, or how her dog got bit by a tick and now has Lyme disease, etc. When I notice that she is running out of talking points, I always break off the conversation and say goodbye first.

Last week, we had a pretty nasty fight. I told her that I felt pretty sure that I was done with this and that I would be filing for a divorce in the near future. My rationale was that she was still seeing the OM and was still lying about her PA of 10 years ago. My W still clings to her story that it didn't happen and that her admission was simply an effort to make me jealous. My MIL steadfastly backed up her story by claiming that it was her idea and that she had put my W up to it. This week I got my MIL to confess that that wasn't true, but that she doesn't know what my W did, but she doesn't believe that it was a PA.

This week she called a few more times than usual. It looks like the inevitable has happened: she is finally broke. The vet called her and said that her bank had insufficient funds to cover her bill and she needed to pony up 400 euro for services rendered. Her car insurance and car payment are past due, and her international drivers' license has expired, so she is currently driving illegally. She re-took her german license test and failed for a 2nd time, so she will not be getting a license any time soon.

She called me on Friday and asked if I would front her some money for her vet bill. I told her that I don't have any money that I can forward her, but I did ask her to call her visa and american express companies and get the address changed on her bills (together almost $8000) since I wouldn't be paying them. She was angry and hung up on me. Oh well. I take no joy from the absolute mess that is her life, but she made this bed for herself, and now she is having to sleep in it.

She wrote me an e-mail a few hours later and was so apologetic about what was happening and asked me to believe her. I replied that I believed she was in a real pickle of a position, and I had sympathy, but no concrete help for her. That was the last conversation that I had with her of any real substance. I suspect that she will call again in a few days and try again.

I have told her over and over again that I can forgive a lot, but that dishonesty and lies were a deal-breaker for me. If she continued to lie to me that I would be the one pulling the trigger on the marriage. On Sunday, I called my sister and asked her if she wouldn't mind calling my W's alleged AP and getting the straight dope from him. He was underaged at the time of the alleged incident, so I have refrained from digging around in that litterbox for fear of him being an ass and reporting her to the police and having her arrested as a pedophile if it turns out to be true. What has changed is that she continues to profess her innocence and I need some closure. Finding out the truth from her, or from him will give me that closure. If she is telling the truth, then I can begin the process of learning to trust her again. If she is still lying, then my last, feeble reluctance for getting a divorce will crumble.

My sister will be calling me with the news in a few hours. Honestly, at this point, I am prepared for anything. Of course, I am pre-oriented to thinking that she is still lying to me, but I am open enough to believe the contrary if that is what she discovers.

Psychologically, I think my W did have the A as she said she did to my sister back then. She was going through a phase were she was a kid again; staying out with friends, bar-hopping, letting anything happen that came along, etc. She had an almost overnight change in 2000 when we moved from our old neighborhood and she was away from those people.

Of course, she also claims that her A with her current OM has been purely emotional, but if she is a liar about the A 10 years ago, then I do not believe that her current A is not a PA either. Not that it really matters to me: a EA is worse than a PA to me; worse still are the lies about it!

Well, that's it. Hope this Wednesday finds my friends and co-DBers in improved spirits!