I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

well, i kept myself really busy today! had to be one of the most productive days i've had since the H left. it was a big accomplishment for me! i put up ebay items so i could make some money, cleaned my room a bit and responded to all emails ive been ignoring. searched for jobs, couldnt find much but applied for one. and got my brother to cosign for the apt which he will do tomorrow (lots of paperwork involved!). so i am HOPING that i get the apt, im not sure how my brothers credit is, but we'll see. i'm going to be so dissappointed if i get denied but im not going to think about that. im going to act as if i have it!! yippy!! so much closer to moving out!

im getting very tired now after everything i've done today. but today is my 3rd day of NC and its getting a lot easier i have to say. but there are always those days where the urge is much stronger but im going to focus on keeping myself busy so i dont have the time to even think about contacting him.

So day #41 is down! 40 more days to go!!
extremely knackered now, gonna crash!
goodnight everyone

[beepee]

feeling very tired this morning and agaiiiiin, stomach knots. when will those go away? its been 6 weeks of stomach knots and anxiety EVERY SINGLE MORNING. its the most uncomfortable, annoying feeling in the world. i'd take physical pain over it any day.

had a dream about fish. i had 4 fish that my H put in 2 separate tanks and i had to clean them out and the entire dream was about me cleaning out the tank while he watched. talk about weird. what does that represent? maybe it represents my desire for him to WANT to be in my life even during the boring times! maybe. who knows.

starting my fourth day of NC. i know today will be easier because i have a lot of work to do, and it will literally take me up until midnight to finish, without any distractions except to come and get my frustrations out here should the need arise.

tomorrow, i have another IC appt with the prescriber, going to tell her about the whole diarrhea fiasco and she what she thinks. i might need to pay a visit to the doctor if its not normal. we'll see, fingers crossed that everything will be ok.

on saturday, my friends and i are going to Martha's Vineyard! I haven't been there before even though i've always wanted to. I love taking ferries so thats gonna be great. we're going to take in the scenery, hire some bikes, have lunch, meet some locals, just enjoy it in general. it's going to rain and thunder on that day though so i told my friend who planned the trip and she said, "wouldnt it be magical to dance in the rain?" and i said yes. its the most wonderful, liberating experiences ever. When I was in Sligo, it started to rain and everyone ran for cover except for me and i started to dance and started to sing..."I"m siiiiiiinngggging in the raiiiin!!" everyone was laughing at me with admiration! it was a great feeling. i so want to get that back. to be carefree and enjoy every little thing about life.

negativity once had no place in my life, positivity ruled. i want that back and i will. i have to do a lot of hard work and soul-searching but it'll come back to me in time. patience..

[beepee]

Hmmm.. I thought today was going to be easier in terms of not thinking about H. Guess I was wrong! Can't seem to get him out of my head at all today, despite working on projects.

Any suggestions? I guess this is just something I really have to fight on my own huh. Being able to detach from all of this is so hard.

Some days, I feel like I'm going to conquer this, and other days, I feel like I'm never going to get anywhere and want to just quit. I know the latter isn't the option but I can't help those feelings from making an appearance every now and then. Maybe time will help me. Even though I feel like the days are dragging sometimes, I have to trust that time will ease the pain and get me through all of this madness.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((beepee)))))

Just keep plugging! Some days are better than others... it's true for everyone, and there doesn't always seem to be a reason. But over time, it will get easier. The good thing is that you can look back at the end of a rough day, and feel good that you got through it. That helps make the next hard day easier.

[beepee]

thanks VH:

i will keep going!!
i always do feel a great sense of accomplishment when i make it through the end of a hard day.

even though some days are harder and there may not be a reason, maybe i should record some of my daily activities and/or thoughts that i have during those good and bad days and see what might be causing it, if anything. couldnt hurt!

[Entangled]

Right there with you beepee. Having a tough day myself. Try to stay positive and busy. Try not to dwell on the negative thoughts and focus on anything positive instead. We'll all get through this!

[beepee]

And i think about how long it will take them to blow us away
But i won't get me down, i'm just thankful to be facing the day.

-guillemots

[orangedog]

Love the new signature. Keep fightin' the fight.

[beepee]

i'm trying really hard to to get down today but i'm feeling particularly LOW right now.

im trying to think positive thoughts.
be happy that i'm alive, be happy that i'm facing the day.

but then i get so sad and miss him.
then i get so angry and want to kill him for being so selfish and not caring at all about how i feel. i know he's going through a lot himself. i understand that and i want nothing more than for him to get better and be happy. i just wish he wanted to be happy with me.

there's something i am really worried about though. his visa expires on Aug 31st which is only a month from now. if i am assuming correctly, he MUST be divorced to me by the time he files his petition to stay in the US. is that correct? if so, either he goes back to ireland or i am going to be divorced in the next few weeks. i dont know. anyone know about this at all?

[beepee]

thanks orangedog!
I am certainly trying!!