New to this Community seeking advice

[JR09]

Thanks Veronica,

Sound advice indeed. I know it's so important to try to not read into the future or just live in the past. Rises my anxiety level...always trying to forecast the future gives me a headache and sorrow.

When I was with my Boys, as we were enjoying ice cream or eating out, I always told them to not worry about Mom for now and just "enjoy the moment". I repeated those words many times during our 2 weeks together...enjoy the moment. I guess that counts as living in the present, right?

Thanks Veronica. I hope this finds you well.

JR

[VeronicaV]

Hi JR,

Thank you for the well-wishes, I am doing quite well these days. I think you are exactly right..."just enjoy the moment" is living in the present. This is a lesson I am learning, too.

Like you, I get very anxious when I spend too much time focused on and worrying about the future. Also, I find it exhausting and then I am left with little energy to enjoy the good things I have in the present.

Like I said, your posts show that you have a great attitude and approach to things...you are doing well. Even when we feel sad or lonely, that does not mean we are not strong or doing what we should be doing. Keep it up...

V.

[JR09]

Veronica,

I have to say that "living in the present" is at times hard to do. My mind does drift sometimes towards "what could have been" or "what will happen next". It truly requires discipline to focus on the present. I am not good at it yet, believe me.

Veronica, do you have a thread on this BB? I hope you are holding on OK. Stay strong, and keep in touch, OK? Thanks so much for the encouragement.

JR

[VeronicaV]

Hi JR,

It is hard work...staying in the present. I am learning to do it now, too, though I am in very different circumstances than yours.

I do have a thread...it's called And Blossoming but you will not find my entire story there. I have been posting since last November. I am one of those people who saved herself but not her marriage. This was the right thing for me, I am a happier person today because of all of the work I have done on myself. Though my SBXH left me, I decided I no longer wanted to reconcile about 5 months after he left. We had no children. Long story short, I gave up a lot of myself to hang on to someone. I have worked long and hard...and am still working...to not be that woman. I like who I was before I did that and I like who I am again today.

I am glad to do whatever I can to offer you some support. That is the wonderful thing about this board. I was given - and still receive - incredible support from some truly wonderful people.

I mean what I said, you seem to be working really hard at this and doing a great job. I know it is hard, but like Carlos said, it gets easier in time. He is right...it does get easier. Some of it even becomes second nature.

Glad to read you have a dog and have taken up the guitar...those things help. As for staying in the present, here is something I do when I catch my mind wanting to look into the future - I try to stop myself mid-thought and gently remind myself that I am missing something right that very moment...does not always work, but it's a start.

V.

[Ready2Change]

The present is all that we have. We can set goals (intentions) for the future and make choice to move toward our goals. I continually do things that go "against" my instinct to "strike back". My goal is a friendly relationship with my X. All I can do is control my thoughts, actions and words when interacting with her. Patience......

[healthydad]

Hi JR,

So glad you've been getting such fantastic advice about staying in the present...it is hard - but the process of getting there - of dealing with the stuff that keeps us from staying in the present - is so very rewarding and fulfilling...A lot of it just comes down to giving up control...and accepting things and dealing with the life we are given.

Hope you're doing well, my friend.

-Carlos.

[JR09]

Carlos,

Great to hear from you! I appreciate your wisdom. You are definitely right about "giving up control". That's one of the keys to truly becoming whole again with or without the spouse. When I think back at my own situation, I can't believe how much control I try to exert over my W. I can't believe that's the person I used to be...I emphasize "used to be".

After a year of separation, I look at my present picture and I must say I have really changed emotionally, mentally, and spiritually for the better. Now I KNOW. But it took a lot of introspection, humility, and a genuine desire to change. It took my W to leave for me to change. I understand that. I am grateful to open my eyes and heart to a new outlook on life. I pray my W also opens her eyes and heart in her own way to believe that my changes are genuine and for the long haul

Thanks Carlos for being there.

JR

[VeronicaV]

Hi JR,

Wow. "It took a bit of humility." Those words really struck me. Not only do you know, but you get it. I have said to you already that I hear strength in your posts. Now I see that you will make it.

JR, just keep doing what you are doing. Your boys have a great father. You will be fine. I wish more people had the kind hopes for their WAS's that you have for yours. There are some here who do...just keep doing what you are doing.

V.

[JR09]

Veronica,

Your kind words really motivate me to stay on the right track to wholeness. Thank you for the continued support and encouragement. You sound quite at peace with yourself as well. Maybe you've reached a serenity zone on your own quest towards peace within yourself.

In any case, I'm very grateful and blessed to count you in my support circle. In our respective situations, anybody who helps one to see the light and maintain a sense of dignity is a rare jewel. And you are and Carlos are among these good people who truly care.

THANK YOU Veronica

[JR09]

Well, I don't know what to make of this...Just journaling...I called my WAW for our weekly conversation. I asked how the boys were. She had her sweet voice. Just her regular self, as if she never left. Then all of a sudden she asks" so when are you going to sign the divorce papers?" I actually didn't quite understand because I never saw a place where I was supposed to sign on the paperwork I received 5 months ago. All I signed was an Acceptance of service memo which I sent back. That's it...

So I tell my W "If you fell strongly about it, then I will do what makes you happy". I asked "is this what you want me to do", she answered "yes". But then she didn't say anything anymore. So I switched the topic and asked about her health, parents. She also inquired about my parents, health, etc...

All along I was very calm, composed, and NEVER EVER raised my voice. As calm as the rising sun. I was actually pretty proud of myself for being calm and composed. A few minutes later, I ended the conversation and said bye.

I keep repeating the saying on the BB to not "believe a word she says..." I keep thinking she was testing me again, wanting to see how I would react to such a statement. I went to the neighbors to process my conversation. They were very nice. But they tried to convince me to lay it all out to my W and tell her how I feel, sign whatever paper, etc, etc.

I keep thinking that it's not the DB way of doing things, but didn't tell that to my good neighbors. I still believe in my heart that my W was testing me. She really could have pushed the D issue a long time ago anyway, with or without me. It could have been finalized 20 das after it was filed. But now we are nearing 6 months and no action has ever been taken about it.

So I can't help but trying to analyze what my W was saying, but I don't get it. Anyone wants to give me some input or suggestions on how to proceed next?

JR