Still Wondering How To Handle Things!!

[shewholurks]

Send him a txt reminding him that the boy is not going to the class. That is a respectable thing to do. When he responds with an argument there is truly no need to respond.

I wasn't suggesting that you were reading into anything but rather reminding you not to fall back into that trap. The break from his noise is obviously doing you good. You sound recharged and strong.

~ swl

[kissak]

well, I have spent some time on the phone talking with H this afternoon....about our son and tkd....we werent arguing just giving opinions basically. He thinks we should keep our son in the class. Maybe just cut back to once a week. He thinks it helps him with alot of other things, self control, preserverance, strength. Helps in baseball even.

I agree that it can help....but I think other activities can help that too. He hates that so much time and money has been wasted on it for him to quit.

He mentioned maybe just continuing through the summer, till school starts. Or just the once a week. He has told me that the decision is up to me though. I said it should be up to our son....he thinks our son isnt old enough to make the decision.

He was on his way to therapy and Ihope it helps him some today, he soooo needs it. Maybe he will discuss this with his therapist and get her opinion. Of course she will probably side with him...he does pay her!

But, Im not sure going to tkd once a week would be good. Its not enough for him to learn and keep up...also the class is becoming so big that there is little time for one on one attention or help.

At least it was a nice discussion and no arguing. Of course that is always how we handled stuff when we were together....we always discussed stuff...hardly ever argued about things.

We do try to play nice.

Most days.

[kissak]

Hey swl...just read your post after I posted last. He ended up calling me about the class, SO I had to discuss it with him.

But it was just that....a discussion.

I know what you meant....Im trying not to fall back into his trap this time. AND the time away from him is doing me SO MUCH GOOD!

I will see him tomorrow though when he gets the kids. He hasnt seen them in a week either and I think he has only talked to them once.

[Sanderika]

Hi kissak,

I just got home from doctors appointments....sorry I wasn't here earlier. I see it's already pushing evening.

My assumption is that H will call before he goes to TKD. He is aware of the recent events surrounding the class. I don't think he will take it for granted that you and son will be going. I hope I am not wrong.

If H should call and starts to get angry with you about stopping TKD, simply say "son does not want to go anymore, it's his choice and I feel good that we gave him the opportunity to try it". If he persues simply say "it's been decided H."

My take on the contact is H wants to keep his foot in the door.

I do not make contact with mine for any reason, and here...it is H who contacts. I have made it a habit to always be engaging with H. I yuck it up with him. I want him to leave the call or contact with a great feeling that speaking to me was very enjoyable. Good old fashioned ego stroking. It is one of the things that has brought us as close as we are, trust me when I say we have travelled miles back towards each other.

That is one of the reasons I have suggested that you engage him when he makes contact. Go above and beyond. Answer calls and texts as much as possible and with a genuine smile.

I wonder if H thinks nothing has really changed at home. I know we bat this idea back and forth. I am always looking for the reasons. Of course the OW are still either in their lives or they are still on the prowl for that greener grass.

I look at it this way, if I can produce some Pretty Da*n Good Looking, Irresistible Green Grass....I have a chance to bring him back home. If I don't try, I will get nothing.

I have to get son some supper, I will be back in a little bit.
Let us know how this evening goes....

(((((HUGS)))))

Sanderika

[kissak]

Well, my evening was quiet. I stayed home with my kids. My H called around 5:30, when he was done with therapy. He did speak with his therapist about our son and the class....the only thing she had to offer him was that it was good that we were talking with our son about this and we werent arguing about it. Discussing is a good thing. I do agree.

I think what is going to happen is that he may just go a couple of more times, till school starts back. Then we will get him into somthing else. Just so he can say goodbye to a few friends and make sure he wants to quit. Going during school weeks are just too much anyway and have been for a while.

My H told me that he was going to go to his fire meeting tonight. I was going to mow my yard. He mentioned that I never ask him to do it anymore for me....well, that was odd...but ok.

I didnt hear from him again till 9:30. He said hello, I just asked how his meeting was. He then said he didnt go, he stayed home. He had gotten a bad headache after he talked to me. Weird, he seemed fine. Dont know what that was all about.

Thats about it. Nothing else really has happened tonight. Im trying NOT to snack! So hard!!! Need to get off about 7 more pounds to reach my goal for now!

[Sanderika]

Good Morning kissak.....

I think you had a great evening!!

Discussing and communicating are very good things!!!

Your approach to the TKD classes are good in that you both have reached an agreement that is fair to all. I am sure son can find another activity. Sometimes you have to look outside of school, like with TKD, up here there isn't much to offer in the elementary grades for children. I always had to go elsewhere, then lots of activities are avail. once they reach middle school.

OK, after reading your last post....I think H wants back in. He is calling tons, he is informing you of his whereabouts...HUGE!,
I think he wants to mow the lawn!!!!, for the most part he is friendly, he is appearing to you as a lost lamb....needy.

I might be way off the mark, I think if you continue your DB plan and remain steady this might turn around. It could still be a ways off, I think it is showing progress. I think he is humbling himself to you. I think that is a good thing.

Snodderly once told a poster, I will always remember this, that our Hs reconnect with our kids first then reconnect with us. I see here that your H is semi connected to your kids and this could be the signs he is attempting to reconnect to you. If this is so this is one of the hard parts to navigate. You have to remain steady all the while making the right choices. For H fear and mistrust are strong, it would be easy for them to run back into the tunnel. It has to be taken slow to ease them out of their fears and time will then break down the wall of mistrust. This is what I am trying, anyway. This is very hard and heartbreaking all at the same time. The rewards are few.

Your H getting a headache, could it be he was actually a bit stressed out after his therapy meeting. Maybe he doesn't eat all that well. This sitch is enough to give one a headache all by itself. Did his day at work go well? Maybe he got overheated. There are lots of posssibilities. YOUR H TELLING YOU ABOUT IT was H looking for sympathy and concern from you. I hope you gave him enough to make him think you care and are concerned about him.

Something you could try about the household chores: What if during some other conversation a few days from now you mention casually all of the things on your "to do" list. As a test, see if H takes the bait and volunteers to do one or more of them for you. If H doesn't volunteer then you know you cannot ask him to do something and that he isn't ready to take that step.

All in all you are making progress, I know how frustrating this is....you are doing good.

Good luck bringing your weight down a little further.

Have a wonderful day, will chat with you later.

Sanderika

[kissak]

Hey Sanderika....I dont think that anything that my H is doing lately is anything unusual. He has acted like this for quite a while now. But him saying something about mowing my yard was something he only says when he is thinking about home. He hasnt said it in a while. I think when he gets on these lonely spells and being down, he does think more about coming home, but as in the past, he snaps out of it and decides staying on his own is better. Money is somthing he just doesnt have right now.

I did mention that my gutters need cleaning out and he said he would do that for me today. He has always done stuff for me, most of the time all I have to do is ask.

I in no way think he is even close to wanting to come home right now. But, I can always hope that I will see the changes that make me want him to come home...right now, Im not seeing them.

Thanks for the good wishes on the weight loss! I feel like I am struggling now. It hard, I really NEED to lose about 20 more and after the 50 I have already lost, its getting so much harder to get them off!

[kissak]

WEll, nothing much going on today. Have the day off which is nice. I was up late last night, couldnt sleep. Too much caffeine in me! lol, so I was up chatting on fb some....

Got texts this morning from H, he was commenting on my fb comments...asking about me having a headache, and not being able to go to sleep. He was checking my fb again. Even though Im not a friend on his anymore, he still makes his way to my page to look. I really wonder why sometimes. Of course he may go to the exOW's too.

Gross pic showed up on my fb last night. A friend (my H's bil's twin brother) Is dating the ex OW....big ol pic showed up of him and her! It was really funny to see her with someone else....again. I dont get how some people can move on soooo quickly from man to man. I mean, she just got rid of H #4 I think! Not including all the in betweens that she didnt marry! Definitly feel sorry for this guy. He is really a nice person.

Oh well, not my problem anymore...just sucks that she still finds a way into my view!

[mdoodles]

i dont know how u even look at her!

last year i was able to look at psycho ow, i guess i was still in discovery phase. then a weird thing happened - my friend and i were looking at pictures of her and her sister on her sister's myspace page and she looked too happy, she had a big smile on her face and something in me said - i have no interest in looking at her, no interest in seeing her smiling with all she has done.

atleast she isnt with your h anymore. some women are so pathetic, i dont know how they jump from man to man.

that isnt for me.

[kissak]

The only reason I can look at her is she is soooo not pretty to look at! But I have only ran into her once in the 2 1/2 years weve been separated....in the grocery store...talk about odd.

SHe is crazy anyway. Arent they all?