I am not doing too well the past couple of days....I will be D in another month. Ironically, my divorce date is set for 9/11. H wants to go out to dinner and have a nice evening out and enjoy ourselves after the D.
Ok, lets forget that for a moment.....I just don't even know where to begin with that.
I just have been having a very hard time with this entire concept. Why get a D at all without any trial? And ok.....lets just let that argument rest for now......bc at the time I asked for a separation and trial........he said he had to get the D for himself and then he would like to start again.
HOW do I psychologically stop myself from feeling betrayed and stop resenting him AND............ at the same time begin moving forward with him???????????????? and mentally with myself?
This week, I am having trouble sleeping again. I am working 9 - 10 hr days and still not sleeping well. I have not had trouble with sleep since that first 3 weeks after he first gave me the papers.
I just don't know how to proceed.
I find myself dreading his phone calls and feeling more upset after he calls.......though we have hour long conversations that are pleasant ( although some fakeness from me this week - one conversation).
I am having trouble trusting him. In my head I keep thinking "Why should I care what you say? You are untrustworthy and impulsive and are leaving me and setting me up to be left again."
I feel at a stand still with myself. I don't know what and how I can do better with my resentment!
I feel relieved he is calling and yet......I don't want to talk to him - for the past 10 days or so.
AM I GOING CRAZY????????
Point being - he said, this is the only way I can try again...to first go ahead with the divorce. I agreed and told him that I'm not sure how I will feel after the divorce. He said he understands and is afraid of me walking away from him.
I don't know what is going on with me.....I find myself not focusing at work this week and just having a difficult time knowing what to feel and how to proceed......internally......for myself.
I asked for 2 days off for the D hearing. I decided I was present at my M, I should be present for my D!
I am asking for some advice bc I do want to share my life with this man. I know this is a fact. But, this week, I think I am feeling and I am actively putting up a wall...I feel this insane need to I DONT KNOW.......something....How do I get over this resentment that is starting to set in?
