I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

Hi VH:
thanks for your comments.
my family issues have EVERYTHING to do with whats going on. a lot of verbal abuse from my mother that never stops, a father that doesnt say anything when he hears her shouting at me at the top of her lungs for not "wearing the right outfit," as if i a total failure, brothers who tell me that i need to get over it and just take her cr*p cause she's old and you must respect your elders. NO I DONT, not if they treat me like sh*t. so everything i feel, my depression, my inability to love myself and see myself as confident and beautiful, all stems from my mothers inability to accept me for who i am.

I talk about it a lot with my IC and she REALLY REALLY supports me moving out and getting out of this living situation, she is actually urging me because she sees it as extremely unhealthy for my well-being.

And yes, my brother is right about moving to find myself. i want to make it very clear to everyone, that is the ONLY reason i want to move (well to get out of here too). but i am in no way going to find my H. ive gotten to a point where when i think about contacting him, or trying to find out where he lives or whatever, i STOP MYSELF because i finally realize that he does not want me around, he does not want me to contact him, he does not want to see me, he does not want me talk to me. i was never able to swallow that before but the more i think about it and the more time has gone by, im only making a fool of myself by "chasing" someone who doesnt want anything to do with me right now. when i look back at what i've done, flying over to ireland to see him and he refused to see me, constantly emailing him and begging, calling his phone and leaving a million sob messages, calling his friends and coworkers to see if they knew where he was (and they dont even like me!! how desperate was i to actually think they would answer me, let alone take my call!?), begging the doctors to call my H and plead with him to come see me when i was suicidal, it all breaks my heart and makes me feel so ashamed and embarrassed that i would lower myself to those standards for a man who cheated on me, walked away from me without notice, left me with a ton of bills that cant pay, allows his family and friends to degrade me and call me names as if i was the scum of the earth, and refuses to see or talk to me.

i love this man, and thats why i did what i did but i am still embarrassed in hindsight. ive realized that theres no point in trying to focus my energy on him. there's no point. if he wants out, thats his decision and i do feel like thats the only way its going to end up (but i still have hope), but im not going to sit around waiting for him. im going to do what i need to do, live the way i want to live, find peace and happiness within myself and get to the point where NO ONE can ever take that away from me.

and i would never let my brother cosign if i knew that i wouldnt be able to pay, im very grateful for what hes doing for me. i have reached a point in my life where i cant be as hasty with my money anymore. when i had a lot, i spent it all. and now i have nothing and i've learned my lesson. i've saved every penny i've got since the H left and i'm going to make sure that rent is paid on time, every month, i wouldnt have it any other way. i dont want to step backwards anymore.