I'm in a similar situation, and I think I know what you're feeling. My husband is abusive also, in a different way, and I'm trying to steel myself up for leaving. I have the same ambivalence that you do about leaving- not sure if I'm making the right choice, scared of the financial and emotional consequences, etc.
I'm finally starting to talk to people about what is going on in my life, it's been so embarrassing to admit. I'm trying to remember that the embarrassment is his to bear, not mine. After describing the situation here on the boards, and getting a chorus of "Get OUT!", it's really sinking in that it's what I need to do, and it's hard. My counselor has told me that he was abusive and I don't think I really believed her until I heard the posters here saying the same thing.
There are issues in the marriage that are fixable with time, I know that, but my H has issues require professional help, and I can't stick around if he doesn't get that help. Maybe my leaving will be the kick in the butt that he needs to get that help, I kinda doubt it tho. Right now he sees everything that's wrong in the M as my fault. I knew that wasn't true but didn't know how to stand up for myself. I'm still working on that.
But, you know, as much as I worry about the financial hit, I think my biggest hangup about it is letting go of the fantasy of "happily ever after". It wasn't supposed to be like this!! One difference we have: You say that you still love your H, but I can't say that I do. And I can identify the exact moment that love died. I don't love him, don't hate him, I feel only concern as he is the father of my children.
We'll both get through this, and survive, and thrive. We have to- we're mothers, we have no choice but to do that for our kids. We're no good to them beaten down, what kind of example is that to set? And I admit, I'm trying to convince myself as much as you as I type this.
