I don't want to shut the door on my marriage, but I need to emotionally detach myself, let go, and move forward, and have no idea how to do it.
My H and I have been separated for 14 months (he moved out). We have been "piecing" on and off for the last 12. By piecing, I mean, hanging out as a family (with son). No alone time, no real conversations, no intimacy, no hugs, no kisses, nothing of substance. He now tells me that while he loves me, he doesn't have the right feelings that a H should have for his W and he doesn't think they are coming back. Counseling is out of the question, he says you can't force what's not there. I do think there may be someone else, at the very least, an emotional affair, even though he denies it. I don't see any way to "work on things" any longer with him and I don't think he wants to either. He says the stress/tension when we are together is unbearable. I have tried to act as if, but the white elephant is still there. Now I know why - he has been trying to force feelings that don't exist. I see no alternative but to let go.
The problem is I seem to have some kind of mental block. I actually have panic and anxiety thinking about letting him go. I know that in his current state, he's not good for me and I need to protect myself, but am really struggling with it. As hard as it is, I have decided that I need to stop seeing him - which means skipping out on some time with my son, but I am simply not able to be around him right now. It is downright scary the hold a person can have on someone. I mean he has told me he doesn't have the right feelings for me, why do I still want to be with him? He doesn't make me feel good or loved anymore. I actually feel horribly rejected. Why can't I let go? I feel like a sick person.
Please give me some advice on how to drop the rope. I need to save myself. I think avoiding him is a good thing, but how do I control these obsessive thoughts that I have? It is so not healthy.
p.s. Yes, I am trying to GAL, making friends, hanging out, doing stuff with my son. I rarely sit at home. I've been doing that since day 1. It doesn't help me.
