Trying to stay strong

[hopeful_cb]

thanks for the support beepee, i dont feel like im handling it v well, especially not the last week, but all i can do is keep moving forward.

Just got another text from H saying Hi, he is doing good, hope im having a good one.

I didnt answer, it doesnt need a response i guess. But he did say when i dont answer or take 3 days to get back he thinks i dont want to speak to him. but really, what have i got to say at this point? i cant think of one thing that isnt a waste of breath. *sigh*

My friend is coming over now so at least ill be busy. Im glad im still making an effort to do things even if its forced. I will get back to where I was before last week. I am determined.

[sandi2]

beepee,

One of the sexiest ladies I ever met weighed 300 lbs. But she had such a wonderful personality and self-confidence that people did not see her "size". I hope you can learn to love yourself b/c others will feel toward you whatever you project.

Take care,
Sandi

[beepee]

sandi2:

i know what you mean, i know a girl like that as well. her size didnt matter to her and didnt matter to other people because she was just so much fun and very confident.
i am working on loving myself no matter what. even tho i plan on losing weight and going back to where i was, i should still learn to love myself no matter what size im at. thanks for that!

[kara]

hopeful

I have been following the developments in your sitch but haven't posted. Not much to say really except that I am thinking of you and sending best wishes your way. You sound determined to keep moving forward and that is good.

Do something new and exciting this week. Give yourself something to look forward to.I am going to a big concert with a bunch of friends this weekend and I am excited. Honestly, I haven't been GALing much these past few weeks because work is so busy and I am not the out on the town type. So it will be good to get out.

Keep us posted.

[hopeful_cb]

Kara, thanks for the well wishes. I appreciate you following even if theres not much to say. I am determined to keep moving forward, bc well what else is there to do really? I feel like I am back to the fake it til you make it mind set, sometimes.

I got up this morning and put on a nice top (that I havent been able to fit into in years!) and went into the city. I had to turn in the last assignments for my pg course. After I went for a coffee with some friends and met one of the girls' bf(soon to be ex since he has taken a job abroad and she has been trying to break it off with him for months) I felt so bad for him, I could see it in his face how much he wanted to make it work w her. he even offered not to go. But she just wont have it. and I can see him doing all the wrong things too. I did some shopping this afternoon and got a couple things for myself. I got a bit sad on the way home thinking about things, but just am trying to keep moving, on to making my dinner now.

I have no intention of contacting still. I am working on getting back to where I was, continuing with GAL stuff, focusing on work. I dont know what else to do really. Am I missing something?

I signed up to 2 groups yesterday, so will be looking out for upcoming activities they advertise and be really happy to join in if at all possible. Hopefully I'll meet some new people. One is an outdoors group they organize hiking, camping things like that to attend.

My friend said to me today, why isnt there a book written on how to live my(her) life? Saying that would make things a lot easier. I just laughed and said yeh or they could just skip right to the movie.

[hopeful_cb]

I just got another text from H saying hello, he is still doing ok and just wanted to let me know, with a smiley face.

I have not asked for a day by day. I have not responded.

But I am glad he is ok.

[hopeful_cb]

Journaling...
Today was a pretty ok day. Work was ok, I felt ok. I have been feeling really tired this week and cant seem to get enough sleep even when I try. I wake early and cant get back to sleep. Ive been having a lot more dreams lately too, all sorts of crazy ones.

Yesterday was a really good work day, I would like to get back to more days like that. I will do that by keeping my schedule even and not too empty or overwhelming. When I am too booked up I get stressed out and I have enough stress from other areas of my life, I dont want it spilling over from work too. That is my work goal, I think I can manage this. (I know I can bc I am going to plan for it!)

I am thinking about taking a class for fun. I got a booklet of classes in my mailbox yesterday and I had just been thinking about this so it must be a sign. There are several I like the sounds of. I am thinking about cake decorating, sounds fun to me.

When I am falling back into thinking about H, I stop and think 'focus more on me and less on H.' And I ask how can I do this, and then try to answer myself. At least it gets me thinking about me more.

I went to a really good exercise class yesterday too, I was completely beat afterwards. I am going to try and go again next week.

A girl at work gave me a number for a staff counselor that staff can go to and suggested I give them a call if I feel I want to talk to someone about everything as an option. Just the thought of that makes me feel upset. I think I would find it really hard to talk to someone like that for some reason.

I am going to try and keep talk of H to a minimum the rest of the week to help me. The texts continue as before, I dont really know how to respond to him. I continue to try and work through the hurt I feel. Its much harder sometimes than others but I will keep picking myself up everyday and going forward. I will keep bringing the focus back to me.

[hopeful_cb]

Journaling...
Today I am feeling positive. I have had a good day, well its not over yet so I am going to try to keep it going this way. I am finished with work early today and its friday so its a nice start to my weekend.

I attended a work lunch thing today that was put on for me and some colleagues in my team as a thank you for all our hard work over the last year and to celebrate us becoming 'qualified' in our roles. It was really nice to be in a room full of people that cared and that saw the work we had done and had gone thru it all with me. Plus the cake was yummy


I never finish this early so dont quite know what to do with myself! I am thinking I'll do some reading then go to the gym and have a relaxing night.

I was doing some reading around the board last night and came across some inspirational posts that really helped me (even tho they weren't directed at me). *This is me getting re-focused*

[beepee]

hopeful:

glad you had a good day!!
there's really no other way that days should be but good!
i'm trying to have those days as well and reading other posts are inspiring too.

good job!

[hopeful_cb]

Thanks for stopping by beepee and for the encouragement.

Journaling...
Today has been pretty good. Not really done anything out of the ordinary but I am just 'being' and and it feels ok most of the time.

I went for a nice swim earlier and sauna. It was good exercise and really good relaxing. I definitely dont feel anxious this week and dont feel as down as I did before. I find myself getting bored more, so that just means I need to schedule in more activities. so will try that.

I had a guy tell me he liked me last night. Not that it changes anything, but it was a flattering comment and the attention felt nice, bit of a confidence booster.

I am getting my head around the fact that while what is happening/has happened is heart wrenchingly sad, its not the end of the world. I will continue focusing on moving forward. It will be ok. I will be ok. (lol thought I better write that down so next time I feel like I can't make it I can go back and read it!)

Today I got the results from some of my last essays I turned in in June and I passed! Yey! I'm so glad. Even with everything else going on I managed to get a decent grade.

I've got this craft project I am going to work on this evening. I really want to do it but had been putting it off for weeks now. So that's my goal tonight and to entertain myself. Not exactly wild and crazy painting the town red, but I am trying to save money! And I am learning to be content on my own which is a huge thing I have learned over the months. Not something I'd ever do in the past. I do like to do things with people and be social, but you cant always look to others. I think there is a lot to be said about enjoying your own company. And I have learned to enjoy myself more. I suppose that comes with becoming happier with who you are.