I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

i need to vent. ive been crying and just stopped now.

so the only chnce i have of getting an apt in the city is by getting a cosigner and my Brother is my only option at the moment. and he refused to cosign for me when i asked earlier today. so i felt hopeless. i think he heard me crying so he called me over to his room and said he'd sign it for me but he has the feeling i want to move because i want to go and find my H. my H does live in the city or outskirts of it but i have no idea where and that is NO REASON by im desperate to move there.

i want to move because this living situation i am in is extremely unhealthy and does not help me get any better, mentally and physically. i dont think they understand my need to start over and regain my confidence and independence. if i stay at home with them, im just spiralling downwards even further. i dont do anything here, they dont talk to me, i get no support, my friends dont live here, theres no nightlife, im sick of this room that my H and i used to live in. i just NEED to get out and its a means of survival at this point. im not going to survive in this house, in this place. i need to go out and find myself and get better, i need to learn to be on my own and i need them to help me start off just by cosigning.

he was like, if youre going to find out where he is, im never going to trust you ever again. but he'll cosign if im going to "find myself" He obviously doesnt want me to have anything to do with my H! sigh. so i cried because he just couldnt understand my need to get out of here. i dont expect him to understand, he doesnt understand my depression, he doesnt understand how much pain im in, he doesnt understand my need to get out of here in order to survive. all my C are pushing me to move out because they know how unhealthy my living situation is, and my family will never ever see that. i wish i could make them understand but they simply dont. ive tried explaining so many times and they just dont listen to me. its so frustrating!!