I have been reading your threads givingitmyall and sandi's responses and THEY HAVE REALLY HELPED ME. I feel there are sooo many similarities to my situation.
I have a WAW of 48 with MLC issues and pre-menopause. I am 49 and we have 2 daughers age 6 and 9.
My WAW of 17 years and I met in a co-dependents anonymous group 19 years ago. Then went to separate groups after a few months after we decided to date. After 6 months of dating I was the first man she moved in with and she was at age 30. She had had a couple of serious relationships before me for about 6 months each. The last one ended with the man breaking it off and telling her "I don't know who you are."
Interestingly enough this is the core issue our marriage therapist of 5 years ago and Amy discovered that she doesn't have a "sense of self." So of course anyone she is in a relationship with doesn't know who she is either.
She loved sex and so did I.
After 6 months I asked her to marry me and she said she would, but then starting having panic anxiety attacks, but said she wanted to marry me and I wanted to marry her so she went to a panic anxiety therapist. We married and waited 8 years to have children. Now we have 2 daughters 6, and 9, but fell into patterns of using each other in bed and not really connecting intimately - just sex (think I read something from sandi about her experiencing something like this.)
My wife Amy has always pushed down her emotions and learned from her family not to open up which I'm sure contributed to the lack of intimacy and panic, but we used sex to soothe over the real issues - I would go into my little fantasies and she would go somewhere else in her head until we were both satisfied, but that built up poison over the years because it wasn't true intimacy.
We went to the marriage therapist for help 5 years ago and it did start to improve. I guess we went several months, but in the last 3 years slid back into old patterns and now after reading the Divorce Remedy and these discussions I can say it was predictable that Amy would explode with her announcement for wanting a divorce and used the classic I Love You but I'm not In Love with You. I want to feel loved and cherished. I wouldn't leave you for sex, but for love.
This on July 6 after having a wonderful 4th of July weekend with lots of good food, fun with the family and sex of course. Amy led the prayer we have most of the time when we ate together, "God thank you for all of our blessings and help us in work and school and play and help Daddy's business project this weekend go great!" Big smiles - heck it was only a few weeks ago that when we had a mild disagreement (we don't fight hard) Amy came into the room I was in with a sweet "smooch, smooch, smooch, and a cute I luv youuuuuu." Hugs and kisses and we made up.
We go out on date night almost every Monday for dinner a movie (something we started just for us the last time we were in therapy), and either of us can bring up any topic - Amy never brought up how unhappy she was feeling, BUT....
Just 2 weeks before July 4 she went to her 30th high school reunion down by her parent's house and was out all night on Fri, and Sat with her friends. I asked her directly, "do I have anything to worry about?" and she said no, but I know she can be a great liar and after she made her nuclear detonation on July 6th asking for a divorce I again asked her if she was involved with someone - she claimed no, but I see all these signs of mid life crises.
Last week when we were in Colorado together on our family vacation and we did a lot of things together as a family and with her identical twin sister and her husband - like going to the top of Pike's Peak, seeing Ice Age 3 movie together, Amy, me our daughters, and her sister. Amy and I sat together. Exchanged warm smiles, but no touching. I caught her texting on her phone, something she rarely does and she was very nervous when she saw that I saw her doing this...I suspect male attention - even though she claims she's not pursuing.
She has been shopping for tattoos and toe rings per our 9 year old daughter. She loves to talk about how she was one of the most attractive women at the re-union with some of the youngest children and how other guys were paying attention to her! I read where women in MLC want that from other men, not the same old husband who she told me she thought I just took her for granted and was convenient for sex.
She's right of course, and that's a core issue I'm solving for myself regardless of whether I'm with her.
She is very afraid of getting old. Her favorite movie The Bucket List. She says she doesn't want to spend the 2nd half of her life like the first. She wants to explore, see what's out there, but then says she knows she needs to work on her issues before she can be in a good relationship whether it be with me or anyone else.
Then buys a couple sexy dresses and underwear in Colorado - not telling me of course, but I saw them hanging in the closest and thought Wow! Wish she would wear those with me!
We went on vacation together as a family last week for 10 days in Colorado at her identical twin sister's house, but since she agreed to a 3 month separation in the same house and that's where we are at.
We are to see the marriage therapist that recommended to my Divorce Remedy and same one we saw 5 years ago again Thur., but Amy is focused on how to tell the children, not working on our relationship.
After reading the goals section and sharing with your spouse in Divorce Remedy I shared a heartfelt letter with Amy of the things I am going to change for myself regardless, and she read it cried, and laughed a bit.
A few days later in Colorado she presented me with her own letter telling me how proud she was of me for starting to do this work and make these changes, but she really still felt she needed to be on a different path and that some lucky woman, not her, would benefit and she was almost certain "our marriage will not likely survive," and that "this journey will see to that."
I can't help feeling she is confused, wandering, searching. Our therapist told me in my private session before the vacation keep Divorce Busting, that I was right "what a lot of this is is wandering in the wilderness," give her space and give her more space, be mysterious, don't hang around giving her power of me and the therapist said she saw that I was in a MUCH better place than 5 years ago when she last saw us, and that this is very likely mid life crises, 30 year high school reunion, throw a hormone or two in there from pre-menopause and this same thing could still have happened even if I didn't have my issues!
That was an eye opener. BUT I do love her and I want Amy to see that even without sex I can be an unconditional friend, and that I'm a pretty darn good catch. She says verbally and in her letter she really admires my qualities as a great father to our daughters and as a businessman - I own my own small marketing and promotions business.
I'm focused on myself, not pursuing, but it's hard. She will tell me about her day - I listen and not offer fix it solutions. We smile warmly at each other, and she offers warm long hugs at night before going to her room.
She admitted last week in Colorado she wanted to date other men and even have sex with them and told me I could do the same, but I wonder if that's not just partly testing me? Or it's just another bad behavior on her part to soothe over the hurt, but we all know that would likely prevent her from doing her growth work and even though she says she knows to do that work it could also be an attempt for her break even further away from me emotionally by doing another man?
I didn't react to it, but just calmly said OK, how would that work? You wouldn't bring them back to our house? She said no - we (either you or I) would go back to their places.
Finally, it was just in the past year that I caught Amy in her closet with her blood pressure machine. She doesn't have high blood pressure, but has a phobia of doctors and a great fear of growing old, not experiencing everything she wants in life before she dies, and her mother has had breast cancer and diabetes, but was fully cured of cancer by early detection and keeps diet and exercise to keep diabetes at bay.
But Amy had put off her mammogram for almost 2 year out of fear because she panics in doctor's offices and then he heart races and she afraid that will mean she's getting old and have to be put on medication. I told her warmly many months ago, "Honey I thought we got over that. Why are you hiding this from me? I love you and want to support you. I'll take my blood pressure with you."
Then she finally made an appointment to get a mammogram just before our vacation last week and they found something. She worried about it all vacation. I tried to be supportive without hovering or pursuing since we are sleeping in separate rooms and separated.
One night on the vacation she had 2 margaritas and we were alone on the patio and I gently stroked her hair and held her hand. She was accepting of this.
I asked her if she wanted me to stop and she said "OK - not now." Which I can take as OK not now, so maybe later, but I haven't felt the time was right to try to initiate anything and have kept my distance this week at home except for our good night hugs which she is willing to give before going to our separate rooms. She called me last night when she was going to work late, and we watched part of a kids movie together with our daughters before going to bed.
I can't help but feel hopeful, but have to keep my distance, act aloof, strong, look good. I'm running 4 miles a day and I do look good! Get smiles from attractive women on the street, etc. But I don't want to pursue that...I'm focused on Divorce Busting. I know Amy and I can be great. I know I can't force her, she has to come to me, and I put that in my letter of things I am changing.
