I am in a lot of pain right now as this tearing apart has been so slow and I just feel left over and over again when he comes here and takes more things and leaves. He will not be coming tomorrow because I was a wreck tonight when he left. I have asked him so many times to not take things or linger in the house, that he can schedule a time. Tonight, I just couldn't handle it. And with the kids here, I didn't want to yell or cause a scene.
Big decisions and where will live is top of the list. I am pretty clear, just nervous about being a bit further from my parents and maybe isolated. But, it would be a fresh start.
Here are the Compensatory NPD criteria according to Dave Kelly:
Personality Types proposes Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Disorder as a pervasive pattern of unstable, covert narcissistic behaviours that derive from an underlying sense of insecurity and weakness rather than from genuine feelings of self-confidence and high self-esteem, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by six (or more) of the criteria below.
The basic trait of the Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Type is a pattern of overtly narcissistic behaviours (that) derive from an underlying sense of insecurity and weakness, rather than from genuine feelings of self-confidence and high self-esteem.
The Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Type:
Seeks to create an illusion of superiority and to build up an image of high self-worth [Millon]; Strives for recognition and prestige to compensate for the lack of a feeling of self-worth; May "acquire a deprecatory attitude in which the achievements of others are ridiculed and degraded" [Millon]; Has persistent aspirations for glory and status [Millon]; Has a tendency to exaggerate and boast [Millon]; Is sensitive to how others react to him, watches and listens carefully for critical judgement, and feels slighted by disapproval [Millon]; "Is prone to feel shamed and humiliated and especially (anxious) and vulnerable to the judgements of others" [Millon]; Covers up a sense of inadequacy and deficiency with pseudo-arrogance and pseudo-grandiosity [Millon]; Has a tendency to periodic hypochondria [Forman]; Alternates between feelings of emptiness and deadness and states of excitement and excess energy [Forman]; Entertains fantasies of greatness, constantly striving for perfection, genius, or stardom [Forman]; Has a history of searching for an idealised partner and has an intense need for affirmation and confirmation in relationships [Forman]; Frequently entertains a wishful, exaggerated and unrealistic concept of himself, which he can't possibly measure up to [Reich]; Produces (too quickly) work not up to the level of his abilities because of an overwhelmingly strong need for the immediate gratification of success [Reich]; Is touchy, quick to take offence at the slightest provocation, continually anticipating attack and danger, reacting with anger and fantasies of revenge when he feels himself frustrated in his need for constant admiration [Reich]; Is self-conscious, due to a dependence on approval from others [Reich]; Suffers regularly from repetitive oscillations of self-esteem [Reich]; Seeks to undo feelings of inadequacy by forcing everyone's attention and admiration upon himself [Reich]; May react with self-contempt and depression to the lack of fulfilment of his grandiose expectations [Riso].
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
I am in a lot of pain right now as this tearing apart has been so slow and I just feel left over and over again when he comes here and takes more things and leaves. He will not be coming tomorrow because I was a wreck tonight when he left. I have asked him so many times to not take things or linger in the house, that he can schedule a time. Tonight, I just couldn't handle it. And with the kids here, I didn't want to yell or cause a scene.
Change the locks. Ask someone to help you with this if needed.
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Big decisions and where will live is top of the list. I am pretty clear, just nervous about being a bit further from my parents and maybe isolated. But, it would be a fresh start.
Your parents will still see you and be in touch. Isolated - where your moving doesn't have roads, phone service, internet, sidewalks, schools, churches, restaurants, post office, hair salons or people?
You will handle it. Sometimes it was the only way I could keep going was to say it to myself.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach- H does not have a key to the house. I let him come work in his office and he did not respect our agreement. Plus, I am obviously too wimpy about it for fear of being accused...and, especially when kids are on the scene, I am really in a tough position. So, I think my energy needs to be on getting my new place.
As for the move, I am pretty comfortable with the distance, just may not get the support I need from my family and will have to make a unilateral decision. Plus, it will put us pretty far from H and make visitation more difficult. I am not saying I should not do it, I am just cognizant of the variables.
But, I think we would be happier there so I am making some calls today.
It is also moving the kids to a new community and new school. It is a lot.
Right now, I am committed to one day at a time. I am very depressed (and hormonal, whoohoo).
H often sends me emails at really odd times...2am, 5am, 7am (telling me he hasn't gone to sleep yet). I feel that it is very provocative and it unnerves me that he seems to never be sleeping. I don't know if it is pertinent but I keep all of the emails anyway.
I know I should not react. I almost want to ask him to please only contact me between the hours of x and y...just so I don't get those buttons pushed. Not sure he'd abide by it anyway.
Does anyone think it is consequential in terms of his mental stability?
H often sends me emails at really odd times...2am, 5am, 7am ... almost want to ask him to please only contact me between the hours of x and y
You're totally within your rights to do that. I used to send email to WAW at those times, but that's because that's when I'm at work. But she asked me not to -- because it unnerved her, as it does you -- and I was fine with that.
The other thing you can do is set the iPhone not to fetch but to only collect email manually. That way you'll control when you GET them, even if he sends them in the Dark o' Night.
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Does anyone think it is consequential in terms of his mental stability?
Does he also send them at "normal" hours? If he's just living La Vida Night Owl, that's one thing; but if he's always awake, always on -- well it wouldn't be the first time in H'wd that someone felt the need, the need for speed.... And that would most assuredly be consequential in terms of the functions of the old brain-pan.
Does he also send them at "normal" hours? If he's just living La Vida Night Owl, that's one thing; but if he's always awake, always on -- well it wouldn't be the first time in H'wd that someone felt the need, the need for speed.... And that would most assuredly be consequential in terms of the functions of the old brain-pan.
Well, I got a text at around 2am and an email at 5 and he just called so, he seems to be up all the time. He makes a point of letting me know "I only got x hours of sleep..."
S9 told me last week that he was scared when he woke up and went in daddy's room and daddy was shaking and moaning and looked like there was something wrong with him.
I doubt speed because he does not appear to be speedy at all when I see him or talk to him. Plus, he is gaining weight...and he just called again and I have asked him to please email rather than call but I guess he's not so good with boundaries, you think?
Oh and I am not bothered by his communications when I am asleep, it is the time-mark that disturbs me. And seeing as he deliberately points out that he hasn't slept, I feel that it is a cry for help, attention, concern...anything.
I hope you're not awake to answer those late-night emails. You and your family need your sleep. Tell him you don't check your email late at night (and don't).
Consequential to his stability?
Hard to say from just a little snapshot but the, "Hey A&K, I'm not sleeping. It's OK to bother you day or night because it's all about me." seems to say something about his possible NPD
Divorce/separation is tough for everyone and some sleep problems are to be expected. However if it's really bad then it might be worth some attention. Sleep hours figure bigtime in mood disorders (that's why I'm required to track mine). Too much or too little indicates something might be changing (depression or hypomania). Likewise too much or too little makes those conditions worse.
O'dog ain't a psy - he's just has spent a lot of money on them. So the takeaway here is talk to your psy or his psy about it if you feel it's excessive.
Last edited by orangedog; 07/22/0905:48 PM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I hope you're not awake to answer those late-night emails. You and your family need your sleep. Tell him you don't check your email late at night (and don't).
No, like I said, they don't disturb me (wake me up etc), it is just that he is not sleeping that disturbs me (in relation to him caring for kids and even our financial future).
He just texted that the check we should get by friday will not come for 30 more days. I am f*cked.
I have not been this depressed since I was a teenager and my father died.
This is worse. And I am still reeling from the emotional estrangement as well as the reality that he cannot and will not put his family first.
I know I'll get through it somehow but f@#$%^^&&**(()))%##@@k!
