I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

thanks givingitmyall!

i definitely feel much happier despite some setbacks. im learning to feel the pain when it does come but also not to let it take over me for the whole day and bring down my mood. i refuse to let that happen now.

ive been reading over my old posts and wow, do i sould like a needy, dependent, child. i really need to change that and i think im progressing well. takes so much time and my patience is the biggest hurdle as of right now. well, that and not being able to detach from the H! but i can do it. im sure of that.

[The Wifey]

so i have a question for everyone who's reading:

a few weeks ago in an email that the H sent to me, he wrote something that really made me think. i dont know whether i agree with it or not.

he said that "love should be simple, our love isnt simple"

Honey, when you first fell in love, it was simple. There weren't any complications. You fell in love just because you did.

There were no right or wrong, no guilt, no depression, no stomach pains, none of the soul-searching.

Now you have a history. Those things are there.

My H said something similar and it took me a while to get it. He wants to see me because he wants to, not because he has to. He wants to ask me out to have fun, spend time together, not to dissect the past. He wants to be with the me that isn't in pain and crying, which makes him feel guilty, which then hurts him, which then makes him feel like I'm an obligation.

Understand?

[beepee]

Hi Wifey:

Thanks for that. I definitely understand.
I always felt like i was an obligation to my H and I would say that to him and he just wouldnt take it well, because he wanted me to get better and saying things like that proved to him that i wasnt getter any better and i agree.

I think one of the main reasons he doesnt want to see me is because he feels guilty about how he left and also doesnt want to see me cry when i see him because then he'll feel pressured again like he did in the relationship, to console me and tell me that everything would be ok. i dont think he wants to be in that position anymore. so i think he's taking the time to become stronger than he was in the relationship so that he wouldnt feel that way when he meets me, and he wants me to do the same, to be stronger and he knows that if he sees me, i wont be strong enough yet to be able to handle it.

so this separation is great for both of us. its hard for me to accept it and agree with it but deep down, i know that its the best thing for us. myself especially since I need to work on so much more than he does and its going to take a long time but i'll get there.

[The Wifey]

That is right on the money, honey!

Poo on your BIL for making fun of your idea to get a bike. Honestly.

[beepee]

YES!! i was so angry at my brother for getting angry at me for wanting a bike! im going to get one anyway, that'll get him even more infuriated! he wants to control what i do and how i live my life, and what he wants me to do right is learn how to drive, I WANT TO RIDE MY BICYCLE!!

[beepee]

OOH!! this is so exciting, i just got invited to go to Marthas Vineyard this weekend! can't wait! i hope it doesnt rain though!

[The Wifey]

Get a raincoat and go even if it rains. Your brother can want to control your life, but only you can let him or not.

[dmkdmkdmk]

so this separation is great for both of us. its hard for me to accept it and agree with it but deep down, i know that its the best thing for us. myself especially since I need to work on so much more than he does and its going to take a long time but i'll get there.

You got it! I hope you have fun at Martha's Vineyard!!

[orangedog]

You're doing great. Have fun on your new bike!

[beepee]

i need to vent. ive been crying and just stopped now.

so the only chnce i have of getting an apt in the city is by getting a cosigner and my Brother is my only option at the moment. and he refused to cosign for me when i asked earlier today. so i felt hopeless. i think he heard me crying so he called me over to his room and said he'd sign it for me but he has the feeling i want to move because i want to go and find my H. my H does live in the city or outskirts of it but i have no idea where and that is NO REASON by im desperate to move there.

i want to move because this living situation i am in is extremely unhealthy and does not help me get any better, mentally and physically. i dont think they understand my need to start over and regain my confidence and independence. if i stay at home with them, im just spiralling downwards even further. i dont do anything here, they dont talk to me, i get no support, my friends dont live here, theres no nightlife, im sick of this room that my H and i used to live in. i just NEED to get out and its a means of survival at this point. im not going to survive in this house, in this place. i need to go out and find myself and get better, i need to learn to be on my own and i need them to help me start off just by cosigning.

he was like, if youre going to find out where he is, im never going to trust you ever again. but he'll cosign if im going to "find myself" He obviously doesnt want me to have anything to do with my H! sigh. so i cried because he just couldnt understand my need to get out of here. i dont expect him to understand, he doesnt understand my depression, he doesnt understand how much pain im in, he doesnt understand my need to get out of here in order to survive. all my C are pushing me to move out because they know how unhealthy my living situation is, and my family will never ever see that. i wish i could make them understand but they simply dont. ive tried explaining so many times and they just dont listen to me. its so frustrating!!