That fish has a lot of pride to NOT come in on that hook....Although they don't know that is what it is....
Okay I am going to look really stupid here, but I need a further explanation...
Weird situation:
Last week in MC she was supposed to suggest IC for H. I get a call from MC tonight at 6 saying "I take it H did not tell you that you guys have an appt. tonight bc I see him sitting in the waiting room by himself". First off, if she was supposed to be suggesting IC, why would I be going anyways??? So I say "no. Could he have thought it was IC?" She said "I'll find out".
What's weird is, if I was supposed to go, we would have needed to get a babysitter...he would have had to check w/me to coordinate something. Secondly, in his typical teenager fashion, EVERY SINGLE OTHER APPT we have had so far...I get a call on the day of appt from him saying "Do we meet w/Dr. Phil tonight? What time?" He did not do that this week.
I think he does this to let me know he thinks it's stupid & to also let me know that he doesn't even care enough to remember the time.
So the question is...did he just not relay to me a joint appt? Or did he think it was IC? Hmmm
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Another interesting thing...my mom had always told a friend (we'll call her Pam) of hers about the problems I'd had with MIL throughout our marriage. Pam had Narcissistic (NPD) MIL as well - she could always relate to my struggles. When H dropped the bomb on me back in Jan, mom told Pam about it. Pam told mom there was a professor at the college they work at who she confided in about her problems (we'll call professor Don). Don had an NPD mom too. I don't think Don was in a full blown MLC, but Don was having some marital issues that he couldn't resolve until he resolved NPD mom issues.
Don spoke with me on the phone. He told me he found an excellent Therapist who specialized in working w/adult children of NPD's. He said in working with her, she was able to get him in touch w/all the emotions he had stuffed down inside of himself for 35+ years. He said at one point he was laying on the floor in the fetal position crying for hours. He was finally able to FEEL everything NPD mom had squashed his whole life. He said it was a 1.5 year process to work through everything. He gave me therapist's information. She now lives in Hawaii (ugh). She will do intensive treatments (couples will go stay at a hotel for 1-2 weeks & meet w/her for several hours/day). It's really expensive. After that, she does follow up phone consultations. I spoke with her on the phone. She wouldn't speak w/H over the phone. She said she would never be able to build the relationship she would need with him via a phone call to coax him out of his shell. She said it's very difficult.
I guess this would pertain to the ones that stay sad teenagers forever...but she said it all depends on whether or not THE PAIN OF KNOWING IS GREATER THAN THE DESIRE TO HEAL.
I wish I could convince H to go.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
You know, I suspect my MIL is NPD as well... She destroyed her family, but still calls and wants to know why we don't visit her very often...
It's amazing, the damage that she has done, and that H refuses to acknowledge her part in everything.
Last edited by dmk127; 07/22/0902:24 AM.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
My H refuses to see that the past affects the present. This new assertive self he has unleashed is not something that I suppressed throughout our R. This is a part of him that was stiffled by MIL in childhood.
Even if you talk to MIL, someone w/NPD will NEVER admit things. They say NPD is one of the hardest disorders to work w/bc the person just won't acknowledge what they do. They are so trapped in this fake persona they have created.
I could type for days on the manipulation I have witnessed of my MIL and still not even scratch the surface.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Just dropping by....well, to offer you a bit of hope I guess you could say.
My best friend and I are so much alike it's scary. We can just look at each other and know what one another is thinking, or if anything is going on. He has been divorced now for going on four years. We have both been a great help to each other when it comes to all of this.
His ex shows some of the craziness of mlc, and shows a lot of signs of NPD. This woman is never wrong, extremely argumentative, and always has a need for conflict. It's hard to describe, it's like she is on a mission to point out flaws and fix everyone and everything around her. She has been so blind to the faults she has. I've never seen a more stubborn, manipulative person in my life. She puts my little mlc'er to shame.
Fast forward to the present. Lately she has begun to soften. I would have NEVER believed this could happen. Granted it's been four years, but it IS happening. She is beginning to pursue him.
They sat down and had series of talks. On two occasions she has flat out crumbled and broke down. My friend has been doing a wonderful job with this. I'm very proud of him. Although he still doesn't know what he wants and is very cautious, she is changing.
I honestly can say I NEVER would have thought this could happen. I wish a could describe her personality better, but I don't want to give any specifics. I need to respect their privacy.
Anyway, My friend has not been sugar coating anything now (we both feel she is ready to hear it), he is simply coming from a place of love and understanding, but at the same time telling her the cold hard truths about himself, herself and what happened. I'm not suggesting for you to do this, I don't feel your H is ready yet, but there just may come a time.
She is Listening....and it is hitting her like you would not believe. I am still in shock that he is getting through to her.
I just wanted to share that with ya.
Please keep in mind also that your H didn't ask for this and has no control over who his mother is. It may help you to dig a little deeper for that patience and understanding when needed the most.
I get a call from MC tonight at 6 saying "I take it H did not tell you that you guys have an appt. tonight bc I see him sitting in the waiting room by himself". First off, if she was supposed to be suggesting IC, why would I be going anyways??? So I say "no. Could he have thought it was IC?" She said "I'll find out".
As soon as I get the mental picture of him, sitting in the waiting room, looking for a toy truck to play with, out of my mind.....
I will respond....
Right now though.....I'm laughing too freakin hard....
Trapt - thanks for the story - it's always good to hear something encouraging like that.
I know it's not H's fault he is the way he is, but it still doesn't stop the fact that my anxiety level is through the roof, I feel incapable of living my life as a "normal" person anymore & I feel exhausted/drained most of the time. My patience is running thin. H came home last night & told me MC scheduled an appt. for the both of us next week. WTF! I thought she was trying to get him into IC! Now I am left to wonder...did he tell her he is done? did he tell her he wants to use next week to announce a D?
I can't take this not knowing anymore. I feel like for my own sake, both physically & mentally, I don't know how much longer I can do this. I thought I was a strong person, but I'm learning that maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I love H unconditionally, but maybe it's best to just let him go, let everything run it's course & if we work out later, we work out later. I can't deal with being in the middle anymore. I can't be a good mother this way, I can't focus on my job like I need to right now and my spirit is being crushed. Not trying to have a pity party, but trying to realistically think about how I can remove myself from a damaging situation.
Sorry...
Mach - that mental image did make me laugh!
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
I can't take this not knowing anymore. I feel like for my own sake, both physically & mentally, I don't know how much longer I can do this. I thought I was a strong person, but I'm learning that maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I love H unconditionally, but maybe it's best to just let him go, let everything run it's course & if we work out later, we work out later. I can't deal with being in the middle anymore. I can't be a good mother this way, I can't focus on my job like I need to right now and my spirit is being crushed. Not trying to have a pity party, but trying to realistically think about how I can remove myself from a damaging situation.
Sorry...
Sorry for ....?
It's okay to have small pity parties....
Just as long as they don't turn into slumber parties.
What you are feeling is very normal for where you are, it is why it is so important for you to just live your life for you.
What you describe above, is what true detachment really is. It is the letting go and just live your life the best you can for you and your children.
You can't live when you are intertwined so completely around what used to be. Focusing on what he thinks or does, and how it will affect him.
This time is about him right now, and you can have that too....You really can do the things that you always wanted to do. Find out who you are, and what you really like instead of what you settled on liking.
But you can't do that when you are stuck. To get unstuck, you need to find a way to move forward through the mess and emerge stronger for you, in a different way. Feel all the things that you are feeling, deal with them as they come to you. But you have to feel them, then own them , then discard them....
Keep the ones that get you through one more day, and get rid of the rest....
Once one makes this decision to stand, and understands what it means to do that, then the truly hard work starts.
That means daily hard looks at ourselves and making the adjustments that WE need to make.
As DB'ers, we are a different breed of people that have established that we will NOT accept society setting what is right or wrong for us, and that our vows ACTUALLY FREAKIN MEANT SOMETHING TO US ....
Strange concept, I know..
As time goes by, you will find yourself a beacon of strength for many that you will never know personally. Because you have been someone else's lighthouse, shining through the darkness....
The true test of character is when we are up against it.....
Once one knows....they can never NOT know again....
