I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

hi mac!
i honestly, to the core, do not know the true reasons why he left. he told me he couldnt handle the "extreme" living situation anymore. he couldnt stand to see me hiding in the closet when i was angry, he couldnt stand seeing me cry every single day, he couldnt stand being the only one that i talked to about my problems, he couldnt stand that he had no friends here in the states and i was the only one he had to talk to, he couldnt stand that we both didnt have much money, he couldnt stand that i wouldnt forgive him for cheating on me, he couldnt stand that i once slapped him when i got really angry (huge mistake, im not a violent person at all, so far from it and i dont know what came over me, i felt so low when i did it, i wanted to crawl into a hole and die), he couldnt stand living with my family, he couldnt stand hearing my mom criticize me everyday and not being able to say anything because she'd go mental and try to commit suicide, he couldnt handle a lot of stuff. too much. there was a lot i couldnt handle about him too but i dont want to delve into that. i dont want to focus on the negatives about him. im trying to rid my life of negativity. TRYING.

so mac, to answer your question, he left for many reasons, i think the main reason is my depression. but who knows, maybe he doesnt fancy me anymore because of all the weight ive gained, or he found someone else (im pretty sure he didnt tho).

oh and im not religious by the way so a note signed by 'God' wouldnt mean anything to me.. no offense to those who do believe! i think i will change my signature..not sure what to write..

[beepee]

oh no, oh no.. this isnt good when is it going to get better?

i was cleaning the room and looked under the bed to see if there was anything under there. and i found something. a bag full of cards that my H gave me that i saved but had ripped up and shredded into little pieces, after he admitted to cheating on me. i thought i had thrown them away.. i did. im sure i did. but i now realized that he had gathered it all up and put it into a bag and saved it and hid it under the bed so i wouldnt see it and throw it away again. and now i cant even read any of the beautiful love letters he wrote me because i was stupid enough to get so nagry and tear everything to pieces. i cant believe i found it.

this has really set me back and im really really hurting right now after finding these. i miss him. i miss the man who used to do things like this. the man who cared so much about me, the man who knew that i didnt want to get rid of those letters but did it in a rage. i miss him so much and looking at this bag full of ripped up love letters is so painful. i spent about an hour trying to put ONE letter together so i could read it sweet words but i couldnt. the pieces were too small. i cant stop crying now. this is a huge shock to me and i dont know how to handle it.

oh god this hurts, i want him back so bad. i just want to see him, hear his voice again. not get a f*ckin email. i want to hear his voice. i want to be able to hold his hand or touch his face. this is so painful. this is so painful.

[davidswife]

When in these moods, re-read posts that have helped you in the past. Re-read the passage by Elizabeth Edwards, about wasting time moaning and groaning and wishing for the past.

The past is history, the future is unknown, today is the only gift you have. That's why it's called the present.

Cheers!

Stacy

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((beepee)))))

I think the cycle you are in feeds on itself.... the only way to break it is to break it! OK, that's profound.

Some of this might not sound nice, but I'm going to try another angle.....

Let's say that you goal is for him to come back.

Let's say that he shows up on your doorstep tomorrow morning. Do you think he is going to be at all interested in staying with the person that answers the door? All of the behaviors that you think drove him away (and I think you are at least partly right about that) are still there. Some of them are worse. And because of the way it feeds on itself, only you can stop it.

If I am thinking right there's a part in DR about thought stopping. I think there was a rubber band around the wrist, and snapping it when the "bad" thoughts come in, or something like that. Maybe you can give something like that a try.

I'm glad your IC talked about thinking about your good points, that was just what I was thinking! Put your mind to it, I think that thinking abiout it when you go to sleep is a great plan.

[beepee]

ok, thanks for your advice guys.

it was really hard for me to find those letters and i came here to vent and get those emotions out. i thought it would make me feel better. it didnt so i tried something else. i laid down in bed and red a book (Getting Back Together) and it made me feel a lot better. so..i know it seems like my habits and behaviors are not getting any better and you may think its worse, but when i write down everything here, its just me getting out my emotions. i DO try and do something about it after i write it all down. BEFORE, when i was with my H, i would have never done anything about my behavior or my feelings. i would just dump it all on him and continue to cry until i fell asleep or until he consoled me for what seemed like hours and hours.

i know it doesnt seem like im not making too much progress but when i look back at who i was when i was with my H, i think i have improved quite a bit. Not much, but a bit and im proud of myself for making any sort of progress within the nearly 6 weeks that hes been gone. i never thought i could handle that much time apart from him and i thought i would be in the psych hospital indefinitely or, at my own funeral as i never thought i could live without him. and to go from needing him so much to having no contact with him is a very difficult thing to deal with, especially with severe depression that doesnt seem to want to ease a bit. but i am trying, so much more than i ever have before. im only venting when i write everything, it sometimes helps me to be able to get those feelings out no matter how negative they may sound, the thing thats most important to me is that i actively do something about it when im finished writing. and i did this time and im quite proud of myself.

VH: as for my H coming back and being at my doorstep tomorrow morning, i kno he wouldnt want to be with the person i am. i wouldnt want to be with the person i am. and i wouldnt take him back right now if he were to ask either because i know this separation and possible divorce is something i MUST go through in order to regain my independence and self worth. of course i miss him, of course there are days, hours where all i want is for everything to go away and just for him to come back but those feelings are also suppressed by my desire to improve my life and get better and become my own person.

i appreciate your advice and concerns so much and sorry if this sounds like im snapping at you, im really not, i just felt i really had to explain myself. i wouldnt have gotten to this point, even tho the progress has been minimal, without help from people like you and everyone on this board. and i appreciate the support and advice more than you'll know!!

i like the idea of snapping the rubber band when the bad thoughts come in! i fear my skin will be raw after just an hour of trying it! hah. maybe ill give it a go, couldnt hurt (yes it would!) ha ha ha..

[beepee]

journaling:

feeling much better. im noticing that A LOT of my old friends have been getting in touch with me lately which feels soooo good.. i dont feel so lonely now. i dont know why i ever stopped keeping in touch with them. i used to be so social. well im on the road to getting it back!

i was talking to my friend who just got married and she went on her honeymoon to europe and went to ireland and she thought about me the whole time and how she was dying to see my H and kick his ass. LOL. that was sweet but i didnt want her to spend her honeymoon waiting to see my XH wandering around!! haha

anyway, i have done so much work with ebay. im that much closer to making a grand for a deposit for an apt!! woohoo!! now if only it would stop raining so i could sell at the flea market!!
but im proud of myself for the work i did today despite finding the old love letters..

i have a horrible headache now though, must take something for it.

so like i said earlier. i started a countdown to september 1st, hoping that is when i get to move out AND also a countdown to no contact with my H. im hoping to make it past a month without contact unless he initiates it first. so yesterday was day #43 down. today is day #42 down!! 41 more days to go!! i can make it, i believe in myself!!!

[beepee]

So an amazing thing happened. Well, not so amazing but to me it was! When I was talking to my IC, she told me to think about positive things about myself rather than thinking about my H in order to reduce my vivid and troubling dreams about him. So last night, I went to bed and tried to think about all the positives about myself but I couldn't keep it up and kept thinking about him. So instead of forcing myself to think about something positive about myself, and thinking about the H, I instead thought about moving to Boston and into the apartment that I'm longing to live in and the life that I would have when that day came and this morning when I woke up, my stomach wasn't in bits, there was no anxiety, there was no feeling of emptiness. Why? Because for the VERY FIRST TIME since H left, I had a dream about ME.

I dreamt about living in the apartment I wanted with the new roommate that I'm supposed to be living with, and how much fun we'd have in the apartment together! And going out to meet my friends and having just a spectacular view of the city from my apartment with its massive bay windows! I woke up feeling so refreshed, smiling about my first positive dream. But sadly it didn't last because when I woke up, I laid in bed for awhile and the negative thought about H came back and then, of course, the anxiety came back worse than ever.

Well, I know what to do now, I obviously need to get straight out of bed when i wake up and not wallow in the negatives of the past. My dream was about the future and the amazing times to come, it's not going to be a dream any longer. I'm going to make it happen very soon, I will do everything in power to get there, BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS!

[beepee]

wow my apetite has gone through the roof!
a huge difference from a couple weeks ago where i could hardly eat! i need to go on a diet though and get back to original weight, and then some. and start eating much healthier too!

well, i'm stuffed now and i'm feeling better!
let's see, what are my goals for today?

1) do some laundry
2) clean the room a bit more
3) put all of H's stuff into one big box
4) put ebay items up
5) fun goal: start packing small stuff for a new apt!

[beepee]

This is incredible. People I haven't spoke to for years and even back to high school are all contacting me and it's all happening all at once! Do they all know I'm going through a hard time or something!! hehe. It's definitely making my day!

[givingitmyall]

Beepee,

The apetite coming back is a good sign.

Also, remember, people love to be around a happy person.

Hang in there. You are doing great.