Looking For Help

[Coach]

I haven’t posted in a while due to ALOT of thinking…

I’ve been thinking about what my W said to me a few Saturdays ago (7/11)… that she was only staying with me because she was fearful of losing the kids in a divorce settlement. This statement initiated some deep contemplation and soul-searching on my behalf for the next few days…it pretty much ended any hope I had for reconciliation.

So on last Tuesday (7/14), I told my W that I was ready for and wanted a divorce.

Here are some of the statements I made to her:
I thanked her for dropping the D bomb on me three months ago. It made me realize that I wasn’t living my life to its God-given potential and that I needed to change.

It prioritized what was really important to me (my kids, religion, being a great person etc).

I had an “awakening” and that I was going to live my life to the fullest with or without her!

I mentioned that during the last three months, I had become a really happy person even with a divorce cloud overhead (she noticed this!). I learned that the only person responsible for my happiness is me, not her.

I have taken control over my life for the better. I was excited about what my future had in store for me…a renewed sense of hope.

I wanted love, friendship, romance, excitement, passion, happiness, and travel in my next relationship and that I was determined to find it. I also said that I didn’t believe I could have these things with her…that it would most likely have to be with another woman.

I had lost all sense of hope for the restoration of our relationship. I doubted that we could even be friends after the divorce, but would have to work with each other to effectively co-parent.

I told her I was done!

This was her response: Please don’t file for a divorce (stated two times)…I don’t want a divorce…I just need some more time. ..I just need some more time. She wouldn’t tell me what the additional time would provide her. And she left it at that, as did I.

Soon thereafter, she seemed to be very interested in living like a family. She planned a picnic at the beach for the whole family. She cooked very nice dinners last weekend. She did a load of laundry for me. We talked on subjects other than the kids. We had a relatively nice time. She’s organizing a September football weekend trip for me and my son. Wow…what a change in her behavior!

However, I was still troubled this morning about my question to her of “what will additional time give you?” I pressed on this matter and she stated “I just want to make sure I’m making the correct decision” and that “we’re making progress.”

So I'm not sure what to do next. She is going to have to change in order for this relationship to work. I don’t want her old self back. I don’t want to go back to being miserable. I’m already looking forward to my new life. This past week has been very peaceful for me.
-LFH

LFH, For starters you are leading your family, your wife sees this and respects you for it. It has also attracted her to you. Be patient, watch for her to pushback if you get close, and really think thru, pray for and articulate what you want in your new marriage.
You will share with her what you have learned, how you have grown and what you need from your wife. Give her a little time to absorb the new dynamics but be ready to have some real dialouges. You will still be on a rollercaster at times but that is much better than the merry go round. Keep handling it.

Cheers
Coach