how do I move from friendship

[whitneypinch]

Hi again,
Well I live in Toronto and it's a nice city but I have lived in NYC and LA and travelled all over the world.
I would prefer to live in the USA as I am American.
My ex and I came back to Toronto from NYC to live here. I left a fantastic career in NYC. Now I am stuck here as I could never leave my kids.
I have been dark from my ex since Friday. Man is that hard but I know I have to do this.
She just phoned to tell me about a meeting she had at our kids school. She was enthusiastic to tell me. So, I was upbeat and appreciative but will stay on my dim path.

I have not had a single fight with my ex since she left. In fact we are able to communicate much better than when we were together. I have read every book I can on relationships, marriage, and being a husband, a father and a man. I grew up with a terrible divorce since I was 5.

Thanks again for talking with me. I really helps to talk to other people going through this stuff.

[bearsfan45]

No thanks necessary...It helps me to vent too. That's why we're here. Good for you on the zero fights. Do not underestimate the value of that. Again, trust me on that one. You keep yourself in the game by obeying that rule. And yeah, stay dim....I would suggest that you let her do the initiating in regard to conversations. Yeah, also grew up having to listen to some bad fights. I had alot of friends to hang with though, so I was able to get out of the house, play ball, hop trains(LOL, yeah, I did do that) and basically get away from that atmosphere. Plus school, which afforded me more escape time. Been there, done that one. Yeeeeah...I do want to see Toronto. That CN building, the falls, Leafs game. Always wanted to stay at the hotel where the Jays play. You open your window shades, and whoa, there's the field!! How very cool. At 400 a night, not so cool. That is on my to-do list for sure. Looks like not this year though. Dammit. Always wanted to see a Canadiens/Bruins game in Montreal also.

[whitneypinch]

Hey, you can do all those things up here. Just adjust some of the places to stay and don't forget the U.S. is worth more up here.

Ya, that is what I decided to do, let her initiate. When she phoned me earlier I could hear in her voice that she was missing our contact. Even though it has only been a few days of darkness, that has been the longest since we split. She knows I am serious this time and moving forward without her.
It's hard for me as all the stars have lined up and every possible positive situation is sitting right there on our laps. We are in the perfect position for reconciliation, except one small problem....she does not want to.

[bearsfan45]

Yeah, don't you hate it when they don't cooperate? Geeez. The nerve. LOL. It sounds like you may have a shot down the line. Hey, I can't say things are lined up for me. My ex has issues, the least being probably an MLC, and I have kind of 'derailed'. Nothing serious or bad, just low energy and motivation mainly. Have to watch money closely these days as I have not been working alot lately....heating and cooling. The work is there, the energy to do the work is not. Good news is that I have little debt. Point is, you seem like you're ahead of the curve here. You also have kids and that is alot of history to throw away. You seem at least a bit frustrated judging from your last sentences. Understandable, just don't let her see it. You may also have to do the GAL deal which is pushed heavily here, and for good reason. Read up on it if you haven't already. You want a shot at getting her back, there is NO easy road. You have to do the work. I should talk....at the same time, I know eventually I'm going to get my butt in gear.

[whitneypinch]

yep, I lost my drive and motivation when we were together. I used to have a big job in advertising in NYC. I am getting back into it now.
I do focus my energy on my kids. I take them travelling all over the place and do amazing things with them. I always let my ex know. If that is not a small motivation for her to be interested then I don't know what else.
As tough as it is, and it really is....I know I will find happiness. It's "sort of" time for me now.
So, we live each day..some days are good and some days we have many tears.
Keep posting !!!

[bearsfan45]

Any time man..You will do well. Do your kids first, then you, try to chill out, see what happens. You cannot force the issue. You try: You are D. O. A. Know this: I KNOW how you feel. Oh, trust me on this. There are days and nights of hell. Yet....Keep in mind: You have two kids. I have chosen the path where I do not have any. I like kids, as long as they go home later: Two nieces, one nephew. Point is: You have to be there for them. The world is insane these days, and kids need BOTH parents. You and your ex have a common denominator: Your kids. That, right there, keeps you in the game. I do not know what drove you apart (sorry, lot out there right now) and cannot tell you what to do. BUT>>>> I can tell you what NOT to do, and I've covered this. DO NOT fight. I cannot say this enough. Be a good father, which I'm sure you are, change the stuff that turned her off, yet still be a MAN. My problem was my temper and I was 'controlling' I agree and disagree with her opinion. My absolute fatal mistake was that I turned into too much of a wuss: I over-compensated. Understand?

[bearsfan45]

Another thing...and you're not going to like this, but I noticed the ages: 43/33. Ok...she may be starting to feel the numbers here. I'm close to your age (snicker) and us guys, usually at that age are done um, running around...been there, done that. I'm trying to be as straight as I can be with you and that 33 MAY be a factor...on her side. Not to be too alarmed though. as they say: "All the good ones are taken" I do believe that. She may be freaking out a bit too. Going back to what I said above^, continue to be a good man and father and IF, and I heavily empathize IF, she thinks she's 'missing out' there is not much quality out there.If you have not read the DB book, by all means do so. It's the only reason that I'm talking about this. I believe this is part of my ex's decision. Above all, I don't believe you're here to have everybody tell you that things will be fine. They are not. Otherwise, you would not be here. Same as me. You want advice, and it's not going to be all pleasant. You're in for a very bumpy ride. Life is going to suk, if it already does not. Read lovenomatterwhat thread. It will give you inspiration. I'll be back.

[whitneypinch]

Yep, to all of the above. Been there and thought about it all.
I know I am not suposed to give up but I beleive in my heart that she is never coming back. There are so many factors for her not to come back. For me, my family (her and the kids) are the most important thing in the world. I guess she does not agee with that. I am a great father but that is not enough for her to at least try to talk to me.
I am 99% sure we are done. As I mentioned lovenomatterwhat had an element in it that both you are I don't have in our situation, his wife did initiate some stuff. I think that is where it all begins. If the WAW does initiate then there is a tiny bit of hope. My ex has NEVER initiated. Sure, she will say yes if I ask her to do fun things with me but she is very clear while we are doing it that it's only friendship.
I am just burnt out and want to be with someone excited to do stuff with me.....

[bearsfan45]

Sorry man...Forgot that I told you about that thread. Like I've said, lot going on and I flake out here and there. Geeez...You're a night owl too obviously. Yes, another benefit of this stuff...insomnia. Funny thing is that I sleep like a rock when I do fall asleep. My biological clock is just feckd up right now though. Ironically, your attitude is right in line with detaching...which is good and bad, but more good. Burnout: Yes sir, I know it. I've probably lost a good 10 IQ points in the last year and I constantly fight mental fatigue. Well, not really a fight, because I always lose that battle. Truth be told, you and I both need to chill out. I am serious. Too much thinking. " I want to be with someone excited to do stuff with me" Ok....do it then. I have read and heard many a time where women somehow just pick up on that stuff. It's like they have a SAC radar. Strategic Air Command...just in case you didn't catch it. And then, POW! She calls you. Strange stuff, but it seems to be common. Dude, that is scary. You know how they can tell when you're b.s.ing? Same deal here. Hell, install a woman's radar in our defense system, and a ICBM would not get within 200 miles of the US coast. Wild. Yeah, back way down then. I can also tell you that too much thinking= you will fry your mind. Over easy, sunny side up, or scrambled...you get to choose. Either way, you are once again: D.O.A. Oh, btw, if you want to go meet a woman for a possible LTR, be ready to tell your life story alllll over again. Yup! Just having a bit of fun with you. Nothing wrong with dates whatsoever, just be straight with her. Don't contact your ex UNLESS you it concerns the kids. Did you read the DB book?????

[whitneypinch]

Ya I read the DB book about 10 times, along with 30 other books on relationships, divorce, children, being a man etc. I have done it ALL.
There is just no more to give. I have completly changed my priorities in life and have become very appreciative, loving etc. BUT I still have a lonely vibe which I am sure my ex picks up on. I know it's not attractive, I am sure.
But, I am just DONE......
All my ex would have to do is just initiate and I could still be back in there but now I am dropping the rope.