WAW wants to get togeather?

[wifeleft2009]

im not sure... my friend thinks she wants me to ask her to come home not because she will but because she is feeling so low and lost she wants to know Im here waiting (like that safety net) IDK she said we will talk tomarrow night. its hard to say what she has in mind

[bluerain]

That makes sense. Im not sure what you could say to not make yourself seem like a doormat. Maybe that you are working on yourself, trying to make yourself a better H and father. Do not ask her to come home, or to work on the M with you, she already knows that you want to, so repeating yourself wont help.

I think that I would also sort of rehearse what you would say, I actually made a list of positive things I could talk about with H. I would stay gentle, and loving, dont seem desperate. Hmm, I hope that other people can chime in and give you some more advice.

[wifeleft2009]

Thats a great idea on writing a list! Im going to start writing down some things, maybe some phrases that dont sound like Im telling what to do but more of suggestive ways of saying things..

Im fairly sure she will want to have the talk over the phone. which I would rather do in person but, I guess having a list to look at would be better on the phone

[wifeleft2009]

well, it does not look like we are going to talk tonight we had an exchange of texts instead... sounds like her life is not what she thought it would be but she still belives it would be so bad with me (nope I did not ask) she is unhappy now and unhappy when she was here... she has no money at all and is having major issues even paying her regular bills and food. I still asked her if we can talk about the kids. i even offered sitting down and having dinner but she said no.

I think she is crashing and burning and has way too much pride to seek help or see how we had good times.

she insists I took the kids from her (even though I offered to work out placment not to mention she told me to take them) she said there was no way she was moving back to this town. (I wonder what she is running from???)

I asked what im going to do about the daycare bills she has not paid her part of, I told her money is tight for me too and unless she helps I will need child support. she told me she did not care if she had to sit in jail for child support

she told me she is so behind her whole check will go to her bank account that is overdrawen. the phone will get shut off her water and electric is overdue, everything..



she said she is a looser and me and the kids are better off with out her.

I guess I just dont understand how anyone would perfer that life.

she said so much that tells me she gave up. I think this goes beyond this........

[wifeleft2009]

well she did call tonight, it went ok for the most part she avoided any real talk about the kids, so we talked about work and stuff went VERY well with that!Had her really laughing alot!
she brought up missing my son again and we started to talk about the placment and she flipped out and wanted to end the call ASAP.

then she texted me and said she wanted off the phone and me not letting off right away seems controling.

So I responded saying I see how you would feel that way. It was not my intention.... went on from there making sure not to blame or take blame.

she responded back said it's ok. well talk again soon

I think It went very well concidering how bad everything is looking I guess she is self destructing but, atleast I can try to be a friend

[bluerain]

No, you arent trying to be her friend. Well, you can be, but friends dont treat you this way. You are trying to be her husband. The strong man who doesnt let his wife blame him when her self-arranged dream life doesnt work out. Lovingly detach. Thats the best advice, and the hardest to figure out.

Good job validating, see how well it worked? Im sure that she said it to try to hit a nerve, but you disarmed her by not responding in that way.

Shes having a crisis of some sort, I wonder why she wouldnt want to live in the town you are in. I think that WAS have a really hard time with their pride, and with their shame. I think that the best thing you could do is reassure her that she can see the kids whenever she wants to (within reason) when she starts to go off about that again, but only say it once.

[wifeleft2009]

yeah, I guess my issue is still detaching huh? I still wait for her to call or text. Tomarrow Im setting a goal is to get more detached.

this week has taken all my progress from befor and just set everything back, we talked and text way too much. I know I did alot of pleading to keep her in the kids lifes. (and yes mine)

Im in shock the mother who used tobe is no longer. she was willing to leave her kids just like that! Im very shook up I can say even more than when she said she loved me but was not in love with me

[bluerain]

She knows how to find you, and the kids, and when she decides that she wants you guys around, she will stop short of nothing to get close to you guys.

Most people think when they see their WAS's that they just cant believe the person they see before them. The honorable husband who cant stop lying, the excellent mother who walks away from her kids, its just part of the ride. Im sorry.

[wifeleft2009]

I am pretty glad you said that! it brings the ever slight glimmer of hope that she will perhaps someday miss the kids enough to be a part of there lives, I feel more hurt over the kids then the fact she left me. She did sign the papers to make it all leagle now im happy they wont be so subject to her new life but just another low blow

[wifeleft2009]

Well, I guess I will blog a little here... the Lawyer now has the signed papers, I will be mailing her a copy today certifed mail.

since she has sighned the papers she has been very friendly to me through texts and the very short phones calls we have had.

I guess I will post the short ver. of our conversations

She was mad at another friend and asked through a text if it was ok to tell him off I wrote back yeah and asked what was up.. she called and told me.(I told her I really did not care and said it was between them).... I found this to be odd she asked if she could?????

Then yesterday she (my wife) saw a post on facebook where one of my next door neibors was complaining that they finally had two good neibors and it was sad to see the forsale sighn go up (she often refered to us as her good neibors and was always upset that our plan from day one was to live here for awhile fix it up and build a new house) she texted me asking if I had put the house up forsale.

I told her no I cant sell it right now and if/when I do I will let her know. She wrote me back saying she thought maybe but was not sure.

she thanked me and asked how i was doing.

I told her I was ok but tired and I was getting sick.

she asked if I got any sleep and It sucks I was getting sick.

I told her I did get to sleep but was still tired, I asked how she was. and I told her I had to work on the car this weekend and
went into brief summary of what I had to do to it.

she said she was suviving, she was up late. she told me how her night out at bingo went. sounded like she had some fun.
then she said she was having a hard time getting to sleep because she missed our son so much and only slept from 4am til 9am

I made the offer that she can see the kids anytime she would like. just call it would be fine.

she said it would be too hard right now for her. but thanked me





so later at night my son asked to go to moms (very odd for him prob just stalling so he did not have to go to sleep. but who knows)
We ended up calling her and my son and older daughter left a voicemail. She called back and talked to my son and the two girls.
I guess she was crying after talking to my son because my older daughter asked her why she was crying. they gave me the phone
and she thanked me and i let her go.



then a few hours later she texted me and said some lady backed into her in the parking lot where she was shopping. she was all upset
and we texted back and forth constantly I guess she was in the next state over and was affraid of a warr. cuz of a unpaid speeding ticked
she had gotten long befor we ever got togeather. I do remember her getting a letter in 2006 saying there was a warr. and she needed to pay it.

I did my best to calm her down, mad another joke and told her about a similar situation and how that state seems to only care about that if it is in the same co.
and she can relax. if there was a problem it would get figured out.

as it turned out nothing happened no tickets but she had the other drivers insurance info and could file the claim. and she was happy





**my recap on this is it seems very clear when things get bad im her back up still. I wanted to tell her so bad that she is on her own just like she wanted! but, I guess in the interest of being a friend and i usually help most people out as ive always been a nice person I decided to stay supportive and show her i was still a mature level headed friend who has always been there.

now i feel this is a fine line im still walking here between a friend and a saftey net.