Yea, fear and anger are part of the same coin and you get one or the other when you flip it. So I threw the coins away LOL.
I appreciate that you understand why I try to not say too much. The I love you thing. Just letting it be for now. I do touch H now if I feel like it. Haven't gotten to planting a kiss yet, but I also don't try to NOT touch him like I did before. I'm glad that you recognize you are not ready for that yet. That is one of the keys. Keeping your focus on you and not him.
Around here we use the words detatch, drop the rope. But really what those are code words for is LET GO. That sounds scary.
Is letting go the same as giving up? Only if you want it to be.
Is it relinquishing control? Yes it is.
Can you control the other drivers on the street? Can you be 100% certain that you will get to your destination safely? If you have an accident, will you never drive or ride in a car again, giving fear your power? Will you forever drive offensivly, assuming if you don't cause the wreck others will, giving your anger your power? Or will you get in the car, knowing that the only driver and car you can maneuver is the one you are driving, taking care to try not to hurt anyone else, get to your destination safely, and being grateful along the way, knowing that you made it? You travelled your journey, even if you had to take a detour or two.
Last edited by cat04; 07/22/0911:18 AM.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Ha! Funny that you use the driving anaolgy Cat! It occured to me recently that I`m the same in marriage as I am on the road.In dreamland half the time, shiping at the other drivers the next, breaking lights, impatient, intolerant.
All these lessons in letting go of fear of letting people be transfers into everything in my life and everyone. Marriage and H is just a small part of it.
Wow, had another deep conversation for a couple hours with H early this morning. Three things are certain: he is depressed, he is looking for something to feel fulfilled but doesn't seem to know what, and his self worth seems to be about 0. MLC. It is sad.
I tried to validate as much as possible and not to put pressure on but may have blown it at times, especially when the conversation turned to the kids. I basically told him he is "losing" them, especially S. I can see their trust in him slowly diminishing since he just isn't there for him. He thought he was "reconnecting" (his word) with them this summer by taking them out once in awhile (it has been maybe once every couple of weeks). But other than that he has spent very little time with them. He then said maybe he would do a better job if he didn't live here. I know, doesn't make any sense at all! I told him (again, probably screamed pressure and guilt though I tried not to make it sound that way) that what they really needed was a daddy who was here, being a daddy.
Hope I didn't push him out the door. He did leave to clear his head but said he would be back.
He also said that he might be able to "communicate better" if he wasn't here. I have no idea what that means.
It is hard to see him in so much turmoil . He can't have any type of remotely deep conversation without getting emotional which is so not like him normally. I wish he would admit he needs help.
My take on this TIF, is that the guy can`t decide what to do. Don`t push him in any direction. He has to be the one to decide.
My H went through this too. saying he`d be a better father if he was separated. Yeah, right! And being very incosistent in his attention towards them in the last few months. Just not being physically present, and then when he is, just being very snappy with them. Then suddenly, falling all over them with insincere praise and interest in what they are at. But I feel I have to let go of them too. Give him a chance to be with them whatever way he wants to be. Just get out of the house and leave them to it once in a while.
I`m now at the point that if H really decides for sure that he wants to leave then I won`t stop him. But I won`t push him in that direction either(if I can help it!)
Glad you had a talk. Storm Rider talks of it as a window. Just a glimmer of time where you can see their hurt selves. Then they can shut down and back pedal for another while.
Thanks for the advice FG. I am glad for the talk, too - that makes three "good", deep talks within a couple of weeks after months of basically nothing. It does help to see and understand better how much pain and turmoil he is in so I can better sympathize and understand the drama he puts us through. It really hurts to see him this way and to feel like he doesn't want my help at all, though to me the fact that he is still here and that he has opened up makes me think on some level he does, or at least he still wants that connection IN CASE he "decides" he wants my help.
I was good at shutting out the negative blah blah and seeing it for what it was. And when he mentioned how it might be better if he moved out I kept my mouth shut, except for the bit about the kids needing him around, though actually I don't think that was brought up right after him saying that.
I certainly won't push him out the door at all.
Hearing about the hurt does make it a bit easier to stomach the crazy.
Yep, you have that absolutely right... 1 day at a time.
On the subject of having them move out... Sometimes I think it would be better for me since I couldn't see what he was doing all the time, or when he left and when he came home. His stuff wouldn't be here, so I wouldn't have the opportunity to snoop. On the other hand, since he is still here, I can DB in front of him. So, I really don't know what I would want. I'm thinking though that it would really hurt if he moved out. Especially if he moved in with the skank.
We are in the same house, and a D is in process... So yes, it's 1 day at a time.
What does snooping get you? Probably just hurt and pain. Make it part of your DBing. Don't snoop. No matter if the opportunity presents itself or not. Yes I know it is hard, especially when we are not only wanting to save the M but protect ourselves in case of D as well. But better off if you don't know. If it is something you should know, it will be revealed to you in time.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
You seem to be doing pretty good. The communicating better thing--I heard, I can't talk to you now, but if I move out I will call you every day and talk for hours. They make no sense so don't make yourself crazy over it.
Also the kid thing, please just try to remember that is another one of those things you really can't control. His R with them is up to him, and as long as he is not abusing them, then you sort of have to let it unfold the way it will. For me, that has probably been the hardest thing, so I just spend as much time with S as he will allow. He is a teenager so...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I know - hearing him say he thought he could communicate better with the kids if he didn't live here was so nonsensical I just ignored it and don't worry about it at all. He does try to pay at least a bit of attention to the kids but just doesn't seem to "get" that they need him as a daddy doing "regular" daddy things and not just the fun dad who takes them out. Or maybe he just can't handle that kind of responsibility right now. One of these days maybe that daddy will come back.:)
