Jeff--probably the same one, please call her. I can't get there right now and it is really bad. Might not make Christmas. I feel like I'm failing her as a friend. I won't be able to do for her what she has asked me to do if it got to this.
Fallgirl,
The big stuff here. I know it is hard to enjoy your kids without seeing "families" and feeling really bad. That will pass as you take your focus off of what you had, and look at what you still have with your kids. I'm sure that you did things with them before this without H and the only real difference now is that you feel you can't share it with him now or that you might not have that again. My best advice, what works for me, is that I figure, H isn't here, he is missing out, I love my son and I am not going to let him ruin that as well. Maybe a little selfish, but it works. I share with him if I feel like it, except for really important stuff and even then because at one point he actually had the nerve to attack my mothering skills. I don't rely on him to pick son up from anything or take him anywhere anymore. For a while that was fine and then I decided that I was "helping" H stay stuck and even if I knew he had a hard day or whatever, he could play chauffer just as easily, easier actually, than I could. So for a bit, even when he would ask me to do it, unless he had a really good reason, I wouldn't. Now we sort of work it out. Again making him responsible for his life I guess.
I went through a phase of not cooking and not doing laundry. I still don't do the laundry at all. Although recently I have told him that all he has to do is ask. I do cook now when I feel like it. I do one of two things, I either just make enough, or I let him know what I'm making and let him decide whether he is going to eat or not. I am not his mother but was often accused of acting like it and I did. Why? Because I am a caregiver so it was natural for me to just do it. And H, like most men, let me step right into that roll.
You know what, I don't want to be his mother. I never did. What did it do for me? It made me FEEL like his mother. It made me feel like a housekeeper, secretary, cook, and definately NOT a wife. Sex, although really good, was not a priority for me and felt more like a job. I eventually resented H and the chores and even the sex because they were expected. I resented that he didn't do the same for me but really why should he have done those things, when I did it all? And why should he look at me the same either? I was no longer a sexy exciting woman who wanted to please him in every way, I was a woman who b*tched when the trash wasn't taken out, who begrudginly did what was expected in the bed, and did and said a lot of the same things that his mother actually did in regards to him. If he did good things around the house, he got rewarded, just like my son. If he didn't do what I wanted or asked, he got punished just like our son.
That is one of my goals and something that I feel, even though I was afraid at first that it would make H feel like I loved him less than he already thinks I do, might make a difference in the outcome of this. If not, the next man in my life will never be married to his mother and if that is what he wants, he will have to find another woman LOL. I have, am still working on, becoming a WOMAN again. WIFE is a title but not my goal any longer. As hard as it has been, and it has been difficult (although I don't seem to do anything the easy way LOL), I have lost weight and actually maintained (although I really didn't need to lose any according to others, for me, I was not happy where I was), I have actually gotten myself clothes that fit and are sexy. I no longer look at things and ask myself if it is something a mother would wear, if it is appropriate for my age. If I like it and think it looks good on, then I buy it. I go places that I enjoy, even if I go alone. I do my hair, wear makeup and jewelry. I stop the disgusting men thoughts when people look at me when I am out. I listen to my body and rest when I need too, play when I need to, and work when I need to.
Yes I feel like my housework has slid some but that is actually a 180 for me because I used to be totally nuts if things were not perfect, I just could not relax. I also do NOT try to hide my feelings most of the time. I used to think H would think I was weak if I cried, and I would stuff everything and it would then come out as anger when it was really simply frustration with myself most of the time. I was tired. Tired of always being strong, always trying to take care of everyone, always setting an example for my son. So now, if I need to cry or laugh or whatever, I do it.
I too remember getting annoyed, and I still do sometimes, when H does something that I always wanted him to do but never would. It is part of his growing process and I try not to take it personally. No we have had no new underwear, although I might like that LOL. But he has done things like shave his private parts. At first it freaked me out, but now he is actually keeping it the way I like it so... He is growing up. I am watching it in amazement. But you know what is funny...as mothers, our goal is for our children to grow up and become self sufficient and make decisions for themselves. In our M, that has not really happened and if you look at it for what it is, we resent right now that our H are trying to do just that. But unless you want to be married to a perpetual child, or be divorced, you have to let go and let it happen. Trust the process to be the best thing for all of you. The outcome is unknown, but that is how life works. Even the best laid plans don't always have the expected result.
There are several things you have to keep in mind in this. You did not get here overnight (even if it seems like it) and you won't get out of this overnight. The old M is gone, even if you reunite, it will be a whole new relationship. You have to work on you, regardless of H. As long as what you do does not damage your kids, you have to do what you need. Even if he doesn't like it. In the beginning, it is like just keeping busy and marking time. I think that is part of what is frustrating. But you are NOT just marking time. You have to LIVE for yourself. As that happens, you will see things clearer. You will become more able to decide what you want, not to just stop the pain, not to manipulate the situation or to "wake him up", but because you will just know. Believe me, there have been times when I have wanted to just tell him, I've had enough and it is time for you to get your head out of your a** and come back to real life, I'm done playing, but that wouldn't work. I would be mommy again.
And you know what? I'm good where I am right now, but I can always change this. I CAN leave if I want to. So can he. So my life is not in his hands or at his mercy and he doesn't make all of the rules, even if it may seem like he does. You can do this. You HAVE to do this. It is like getting strapped into the ride and then having second thoughts. But you WILL survive.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
