You`ve described very well everything I`ve been feeling through all of this. Actually articulated some of my thoughts, particularly the reason I feel I`m still here: "Not wanting to be a doormat, not wanting to be played a fool, not wanting to look stupid to my family and friends who don't understand why I am still here"
My family can`t understand why I`m putting up with H and his behaviour towards me. Though they`re not pulling against me. H`s family love and support both of us too.
Really it`s both of us who have got us in this mess. It remains to be seen if I can pull us out of it.
Yesterday was just so incredibly painful. I barely saw H. Got one terse text re my son`s appointment-actully he just forwarded a text from the hosp-didn`t even comment himself.So cold.
I made the most of the day with the kids-made sure they were having fun while I barrelled on with housework/separation work.Then I brought the younger two to a new playground in a pretty seaside village I hadn`t been to in years. All I could see were involved fathers, family scenes and loving couples! God, I just felt so sore and lonely.
We were home late-I didn`t want to be at home when H came in. But he wasn`t there anyway.I had to ring him-to see if he coould pick up S14. He couldn`t so I said no prob i`d do it. I was gone for an hour. In that time H returned home-and went again!
All his actions now are of one who wants out.I know he`s baiting me to articulate re S but I`m not. One of his gripes were that he was living everyone else life, not doing what he wanted.Fails to see that he couldn`t make a decision to save his life.Well, I`m not making this one for him. This means that we could drag on like this for YEARS.
I found new underwear yesterday-his. Slinky black boxers. And I`d spent YEARS trying to convince him that his off white Y fronts and vests were disgusting.Feel like burning them in a nice big bonfire along with all the face creams, expensive shirts and jumpers he`s got lately.
Also find myself fantasising about hiring a hit gang to `take care` of him while he`s off one one of his interminable errands some evening.
Yes, Cat I get that he`s in pain. I can still see right past Alien to the hurting man underneath.
But right now, I`m just struggling with my own pain and looking for ways to assuage that. Trying to keep on the DB balance beam too but its hard and I`m falling off all the time.
Jeff, Mach, Snodderly, Stormrider, Mindblank, thanks for jumping in yesterday. Really appreciate your reading this.
