I guess I'm not quite understanding the wood image. Is it supposed to be you..or your marriage? Sorry, I was a little confused.
You know, goldey, you're entitled to all your feelings...all of them, including what you wish things could be. Don't berate yourself for not "accepting what is" too much. Maybe what is, isn't good enough. But it's what ya gotta do for now. You're hardly a fraud! It sounds like you've turned all those pesky expectations around on yourself! ;-) What is it you think you're "supposed to" be or feel?
And please don't minimize your feelings of what you've been through with your H...even if he's made changes, that doesn't mean your trauma just goes away. (And of course, the abusive types want EXTRA credit for anything they do that's good, while tending to hand out demerits for you even feeling bad about anything.) I'm glad you have an IC...what is this person's opinion about abuse recovery, and what you should realistically be expecting of yourself?
