A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

hrm, edit time expired while I was typing, here's the rest of the post:

I'm a lil skeered, actually. See, when I visited last time, I hadn't been to that house in almost 2 years. I expected to walk into the same falling down, oughtta be condemned dive that I left. His folks own the house and had allowed to to fall into severe disrepair through a long series of rentals. We did a lot of work on it together, but there was still a lot more to do and at least when I was there, H wouldn't do it unless I was the motivating force.

It was night and day different, and it really cemented for me that he really *had* changed some of the behaviors that just weren't working for me. So the possibility of reconciling is a whole lot more real this time than last time, especially given the conversation I'm about to relate.

After a great weekend together, H brought up the divorce papers which had been kicked back a few months before and instead of sending them to me, they sent them all to him. So I hadn't heard thing one about them since I mailed them way back at the end of Jan. I knew I didn't want to be divorced then, but people were pushing me about it and I caved.

H said he wanted to finalize things. I said I didn't. Not in an argumentative way, just very matter of fact. I said I'd felt that way for a long time and that I'd been pursuing the divorce against my will. I said I wasn't willing to do that any longer. I didn't want the divorce, so if he did, he was going to have to file himself and be the one to divorce me.

Fast forward a bit and he was saying that I had all these expectations, namely that we would move in together instantly and just go straight back to being a married couple. I said no, that isn't what I expected or even what I wanted. His back was half turned, but I knew he was listening. He asked me what I did want.

I said that moving right back in together was probably too much too soon and might doom us to failure, that I thought even if things went well, we were going to need our own spacce to pull back and reflect from time to time and to feel safe since we'd both been so badly hurt. I said what I thought we should do was just hang out together, spend some time getting to know each other again without expectations either way and see what happened.

He said OK.

And then I dropped it fast and got back to something really light because I knew the conversation had pushed him about as far as he could go at that time. I also left later that same day to come back down here, so he had some nice time and space to think about it.

So - suggestions? I know I've got to keep my cuddly longings under tight zip unless he initiates, and I'm not to get suckered into talks/fights about the R - but what else? Kidlet will be there most of the time, btw.