Still getting nowhere fast....

[lost-n-Iowa]

Thanks everyone who has commented. Glad to know that I am not alone.

I have been trying hard to save up money so that I can leave if I need to. I have a place to go that my h has never been before (with a good friend) and that he does not know how to contact. I have a bag of a few essentials for me and each of the kids. I had extra keys to the house until my H deided to change the locks and get a key of his own. I have a key too. He never had a key to our house in the last two years for some reason.

I wrote a letter to my H and tucked it in his bag when he left this morning to go to Mississippi. He has not found it yet that I know of. I wrote a 3 page letter to him telling him that I loved him but that I did not like him. That I could not live our marriage this way and that I was unhappy with the way that we are right now.

Our divorce is still pending with the papers still at the lawyers office. I don't know what I want to do. I see that he is getting worse with the way that he talks to me. He has broken things in the past but so have I. I threw a glass on the floor at his feet once. I am no angel either. He has never hurt my kids or been overly mean to them. He has been physical with me in the past but it was along time ago ( I am not making excuses for him on it being along time ago I am just stating the truth here).

I think that I am afraid to leave because of what it will do to me and my kids finacially and emotionally. My daughter asked me in front of him last night, "I thought you guys were getting a divorce? Are you still?" I did not know what to answer and my H said nothing so I told her that it was some thing that we were working on and told her that she did not need to worry about it right now. I don't know if I did the right thing or not but it took me by surprise.

How can I love this man so much but be hurt, resentful, untrusting towards him? I want to be with the man that I married. The man that I know that he can be and has been before. How do I find that man again?