I'm not really sure what I am doing wrong in my M anymore. I leave my W alone. I do what I want with my time. I am working on my faith. I am picking up dancing. I am trying to have a social life. I talk with the priest once a week. I spend time with my girls. Last night I defended myself going to the mass because of her feelings towards it, but that was all.
I feel like I am doing better. I am still taking medication. Infact I am eating better. I think I am probably up to 200 pounds now versus 195 pounds. I need to start lifting weights this week. I am trying to encourage other people to work on their marriages and DB even though I backslide.
Yes, it is hard to be in front of my W. What was I like back in 97? W says I had issues back then but she just thought I would grow out of them. I'm not sure what made her fall in love with me. It could be that she was so miserable in her situation I was an out for her. We used to have great conversations that would last for hours. We haven't had those in years. She won't have conversations with me anymore. I was a lot more confident and much stronger back then. But I also had my weak moments then to. We talked online and the phone for the first 3 months before we met. Then after that is was a lot of ML more than anything. Then she got pregnant. Then we got married. Life started. I worked jobs I could find and she did to. For the longest time we were getting by on next to nothing. We worked our way up over time. But with my drinking, other problems grew and I had never really addressed them. She finally got fed up, fell for another guy at work, and so far the rest has been downhill.
Through the years I learned how to grill some great Tandoori wings and make some good pizzas. I love experimenting with foods.
My 2 daughters needed a father which they have now. My W needed a strong H and didn't have one as time went on. I am trying to be strong again. But right now it doesn't matter to her. The famous WAW line "It's to little to late".
Therefore I stand and work on things and pray for a future with her. I try to find what works for me. I have told her I would love to do the things with her that interest her to no avail because that was one of her complaints. She thinks she is much smarter than me and just can't be with someone not as intelligent as her. These are the latest anyways.
Today she IM'd me asking if I had plans tonite. I said yes. She said ok, nevermind then. I didn't respond back after that.
It is kind of rainy outside today. I need to call my girls tonight and say hi to them and tell them I love them.
I am having mexican food tonight at a restaurant that is in Dallas now that me and W used to eat at when we started out in Tyler, TX. It will be strange but I will be with a friend and I am looking forward to the food and company.
Nobody in AA is a loser and I never said that. But you know what, you are right in that who am I to say they are screwed up without looking at myself first. I wouldn't be where I am if I didn't make a bunch of stupid mistakes myself. Honestly though I did not feel comfortable there in that meeting. I went to a different one that was similar and walked out of that one before it really got started after seeing and hearing the people there.
I think I felt uncomfortable talking about my spiritual beliefs with the C as how it would relate into all of this. I guess I felt like the priest was a better way to go. I just didn't see the C pulling the 2 together to help me out.
I am very happy to be part of a standers group and to have the help and support on this site and to be part of the church that I am part of now. I am making friends and that is great.
I do pray multiple times a day and I am really trying to build on that.
I knew I was going to get ripped to peices today for changing course again. But this is one I intend to stay on. There isn't anything more important than this one. If you don't have God, you have nothing.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Don't give up the church if it gives you comfort. Stop trying to appease your wife it won't work.
Lifting weights might help with your mood. I run. A lot. It really helps me, just a thought.
Your wife married you for a reason. Don't let her rewrite your history. If I were you, I would seriously try to rediscover how you acted around her then.
Finally, if it is too emotional seeing her, then you should really try to arrange things so that you don't have physical interactions. It isn't helping you Kevin.
I'm a man . . . But I can change . . . If I have to . . . I guess . . .
Kev, There is nothing wrong with "Standing" for what you believe in. As long as you are doing it for YOU. The only way it will be about you is YOU stop talking to your WAW about any of it. Just talk to her about the girls and thats it. Just WORK on becoming the best version of yourself that you can. You need to forget about her having anything to do with your HAPPINESS. If you get served tomorrow you would melt. You need to build your self and your LIFE up so that CANT happen.
You are being a great father to you girls. Keep it hope and rejoice in that. Now take care of yourself like you are your girls. Which CANT have anything to do with your STBX.
Nice job on telling her you had plans. She was probably looking to USE you again to watch the girls. Hold your ground and she MIGHT start to RESPECT you. Do it with KINDNESS though.
And besides, why do you keep anticipating that you are going to get 2x4's here? It's obvious you know when you're doing something wrong, but do it any way and come here to get "punished" or "validated".
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I am having mexican food tonight at a restaurant that is in Dallas now that me and W used to eat at when we started out in Tyler, TX.
I'm familiar with it...Posado's! It used to be called La Posada in Tyler, and I believe the same people also had El Mercardo in Tyler also...and it's still there.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I'm not really sure what I am doing wrong in my M anymore. I leave my W alone. I do what I want with my time. I am working on my faith. I am picking up dancing. I am trying to have a social life. I talk with the priest once a week. I spend time with my girls. Last night I defended myself going to the mass because of her feelings towards it, but that was all.
I feel like I am doing better. I am still taking medication. Infact I am eating better. I think I am probably up to 200 pounds now versus 195 pounds. I need to start lifting weights this week. I am trying to encourage other people to work on their marriages and DB even though I backslide.
Yes, it is hard to be in front of my W. What was I like back in 97? W says I had issues back then but she just thought I would grow out of them. I'm not sure what made her fall in love with me. It could be that she was so miserable in her situation I was an out for her. We used to have great conversations that would last for hours. We haven't had those in years. She won't have conversations with me anymore. I was a lot more confident and much stronger back then. But I also had my weak moments then to. We talked online and the phone for the first 3 months before we met. Then after that is was a lot of ML more than anything. Then she got pregnant. Then we got married. Life started. I worked jobs I could find and she did to. For the longest time we were getting by on next to nothing. We worked our way up over time. But with my drinking, other problems grew and I had never really addressed them. She finally got fed up, fell for another guy at work, and so far the rest has been downhill.
Through the years I learned how to grill some great Tandoori wings and make some good pizzas. I love experimenting with foods.
My 2 daughters needed a father which they have now. My W needed a strong H and didn't have one as time went on. I am trying to be strong again. But right now it doesn't matter to her. The famous WAW line "It's to little to late".
Therefore I stand and work on things and pray for a future with her. I try to find what works for me. I have told her I would love to do the things with her that interest her to no avail because that was one of her complaints. She thinks she is much smarter than me and just can't be with someone not as intelligent as her. These are the latest anyways.
Today she IM'd me asking if I had plans tonite. I said yes. She said ok, nevermind then. I didn't respond back after that.
It is kind of rainy outside today. I need to call my girls tonight and say hi to them and tell them I love them.
I am having mexican food tonight at a restaurant that is in Dallas now that me and W used to eat at when we started out in Tyler, TX. It will be strange but I will be with a friend and I am looking forward to the food and company.
Nobody in AA is a loser and I never said that. But you know what, you are right in that who am I to say they are screwed up without looking at myself first. I wouldn't be where I am if I didn't make a bunch of stupid mistakes myself. Honestly though I did not feel comfortable there in that meeting. I went to a different one that was similar and walked out of that one before it really got started after seeing and hearing the people there.
I think I felt uncomfortable talking about my spiritual beliefs with the C as how it would relate into all of this. I guess I felt like the priest was a better way to go. I just didn't see the C pulling the 2 together to help me out.
I am very happy to be part of a standers group and to have the help and support on this site and to be part of the church that I am part of now. I am making friends and that is great.
I do pray multiple times a day and I am really trying to build on that.
I knew I was going to get ripped to peices today for changing course again. But this is one I intend to stay on. There isn't anything more important than this one. If you don't have God, you have nothing.
Kevin
I did not "rip you apart" at all. NO ONE ripped you for having religious beliefs. NO ONE... I pointed out the hypocrisy and judgementalism in your words, while you are simultaneously claiming that you are on a spiritual journey.
And you missed out on the biggest part of AA/NA. It was your judgementalism that caused you to miss out on it. And you must not really read our posts. I am a L and went to a group mostly of ex-con's more than once, before moving on to find one with more women and or more people I felt comfortable with b/c as a L, several people there wanted me to represent them and I was NOT there to get business.....But the first person to reach out to me in a meaningful way, was a convicted felon. And as I said, the first meetings I attended were mostly court ordered folks or ex cons...so there I am, a L, at meetings with people I may have prosecuted or defended in the past.... Can you reflect for one minute about that? Do you see how dizzying that was for me? PREGNANT...Talk about UNCOMFORTABLE...
I learned a lot about humility, mankind, and myself that day. Wouldn't trade it for anything. I did toss out my pride and took help from whomever. I accepted help from "the least of my brothers" I'm sorry you made yourself miss out on such a rich experience.
Nor am I bashing you for going to Catholic church, (hardly) but I DO have to wonder about your timing and constant references to your w's disagreements about it. And why you think you are getting ripped for religion? Come on, now you are a victim of religious persecution here too? Would you really mind terribly if your w took them to a Lutheran Church, since she's taking them nowhere now?
I've told my older kids to feel free do their own search; and talk about it with me I hope, and while I hope they stay mainstream and preferably, Catholic, all I really ask is that join what feels most loving to them, and that they not join a church that bashes others... I highly recommend Blue Like Jazz for you, (sigh, AGAIN, since God knows I've said it 10 times before.)
Your w takes them nowhere now correct? SO if she takes them somewhere, that'd be better, right? Or are we going to say "Better NO GOD than a Protestant one?" Hope not.
And yes I do take offense at your characterization of the 12 steps, the people there. The way you described your c struck me as arrogant. I don't recall if you finished college, but that guy wants to get a PhD in helping people like us and you, and your comment was all about how young he was, and inexperienced, and I had to wonder, if there was a tad of insecurity or resentment somewhere in there. I'm no shrink. But the resentment was there somehow I felt it....Won't pretend to mind read your though....
But I cannot help but note so much resistance to the real work that needs to be done and the repetitive nature of your mistakes which are related to your internal issues. & as much as I have admired many of my Professor Priests, I cannot imagine one Priest being able to help you with problems that include saying "I never was happy before meeting wife" b/c "I don't know how to be happy", and how "can I learn not to be so emotional with her" or how to control your thought process, and you don't know how to hold your tongue, AND you want to write to your w "one more time" or ask her to go this workshop and what if this? And what if THAT? And job advice for career stuff and not drinking again--oh wait, you fixed that b/c you havent' been drunk in ...awhile...Oh, and also be there to explore your theological interests. That's a lot for any priest and I'm bettine there are other parishoners...
Is it possible that the easy stuff is talking to a priest about God, and how He'll reunite you with w, and NOT look at the rest of that unpleasant stuff? Isn't it possible that this is what is really going on, and if you want to call this feedback getting "ripped apart" you are making yourself out to be a victim.
And saying that you wanted to tell us the truth about the AA meetings and quitting the c too, but knew you'd get "attacked" or whatever, is what liars say when they tell their spouses "I would have told you but you'd get mad..." yeah, they're right that others get mad. Does not make the witholding of truth right though, does it? It's what people who lie say Kevin. Don't justify it. Not to us. Not here. Now if that's a 2 x 4, so be it. If you want to pretend the 2 x 4 is about religion, you are deluding yourself. It's about the lying. And it's not really a 2 x 4. I think it's calling it like it is.
You ignored advice which is FINE, but you pretended to take it and then didnt' tell anyone when you quit, even when you were asked repeatedly how things were going at the meetings or the c? You said NOTHING about quitting 'til today and for me THAT"S a deal breaker. (All you ever said about the c, was the criticism of the c, and something positive about the AA meeting or called it "interesting"...but then at those pesky meetings they DO expect you to eventually admit you have a problem but since you don't....they could not possibly help you.)
What Elizabeth Edwards said about wasting her time trying to regain what cannot ever be the same again, and spending time/energy on that pursuit, and how wasteful it was for her, and is her biggest regret...you said it resonated with you..I wish I knew how.
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I didn't say I was being religiously persecuted. That thought didn't cross my mind. I knew I was going to get ripped into for not continuing with the AA or C. I'm not a victim either. I made a concious choice on my own. And I knew that once I brought it up, I was going to hear about it. That doesn't mean I am a victim. It just means I knew what was coming.
I can very much understand how uncomfortable you felt being pregnant and a L in that type of situation with excons. I had quite a few of those in my meeting.
I talked to the priest some about my M, but that is not the majority of it. Infact, it is very little of our conversations. He is more interested in me becoming catholic and making sure my soul is good than anything. He just also happens to have great insight to other things being obviously who he is and what he does.
If my W takes my kids to church. Great. At least they are learning about God. Where ever she takes them is fine with me. I would prefer them to go somewhere as opposed to nowhere. If she wants to take them back to the church we used to go to, then great. If she wants to take them somewhere else, then great also.
I'm not looking to a priest to reunite me with my W. I am looking to God for that. I had huge concerns and still do about being at the church knowing it is a huge brick between us. But I just feel like that is where I should be.
And no, neither me nor my W finished college. We just worked our way up in the real world.
Elizabeth Edwards resonated with me in that she is right. The more time you spend dwelling on what could have been or not moving on with life, the more time you waste away your life. One day you will look back and regret it if you never moved on and started enjoying your life while you had it.
Antlers,
I am truly impressed that you figured that out about the restaurant. What are the odds? Do you live around here?
I had a great time tonight there. It was with a group of friends from the divorce support group I have been going to and still am going to. We are going to get together one night and I am going to teach them poker and we are planning a bowling night and some other stuff. They asked me to give them my schedule so they could try and plan things around it. I'm looking forward to it. The group itself is meeting again this Friday and I am signed up to be there again. I have gone to a few of the get togethers with this group and the people are really great.
Stuck,
I just know certain things I am going to get a 2x4 for after they happen.
PMA,
I am working on being better and I do try to make sure I am kind in every interaction I have with my W. Once in a while I get frusturated when she harps on something. But overall I am very kind to her.
Esox,
I am trying to think about the ways I was different then versus later years and now. I do need to get my swagger back.
Well, its been a good night. I am ready to turn in. I have more praying to do and I obviously need to ask for forgiveness for my day.
I can certainly admit one thing. I am definitely not perfect.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Well, its wednesday. I am hoping for a blessed day today.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
