desperate...

[karen43]

I'm sorry to hear court didn't go well for you. Sometimes it goes kind of crazy. Was this a temporary child support/alimony order or the final? If temporary I think you can work to change that in the future. I know my H is. When we had the first hearing honestly the judge didn't even look at our financials. My L asked for $1600 alimony monthly (what I was paying for bills) and H's L asked for $800 so the judge split it and did $1200 a month. My L said he always splits the 2 so I guess it's an easy thing for him to figure out? But seems kind of crazy to me. I think things could def. change at final hearing, and in your case as well.

I also think you could work on economizing. I've lowered my previous standard of living several times now. Don't eat out, don't vacation, nothing really but the bills. I do all free stuff for the kids pretty much or stuff that costs $1 or $2. You could look for a 2nd job or a higher-paying job although I think that might be something you might have to wait on for a year or so b/c it's harder to get a job right now.

I don't think you should waste your breath defending your religious views or your views on marriage to anyone. That's just wasted energy. I personally have respect for those that do so, and I don't feel like you have anything to defend.

Your wife painted you out to be a bad guy. They pretty much all do that. They either view you as a bad guy or they have to look at themselves. They don't want to do that, so there it is. Be the best guy you can be and everyone will know the truth.

You DB for yourself. I still DB my butt off, but now for me and my kids. I've also found that if you DB and GAL and work on yourself, things get better every day. Karen

[motoB]

Karen,
Your kind words mean a lot to me right now. I'm hurt deep. My problem is this, I'm in the military... and I'm living with my mom. As it is I couldn't even afford a place of my own, so now my son and I live with her. That means I'm not paying for room or board, but just make enough to pay the bills... now? I don't know what I'm gonna do. This was a temp hearing, man I knew I was in trouble when my L showed up 35 min late.

The part that's killing me is only 12 hours a week to visit my daughter? I went in this place knowing I had the truth on my side, I wasnt asking for anything other than normal visitation, and that the R-order be dropped... and this? I cant understand it. What should I do? Do you (or anyone for that matter) think I should still try and save this? When my W got to the courthouse I could tell she had been crying, we both shed tears in the trial. This just isn't how this was suppose to be... my family is my everything... I don't understand why she would do this?

[karen43]

This was a temp hearing, man I knew I was in trouble when my L showed up 35 min late.

Ok, I don't think that's normal at all. Did your L say why he was late? Do you think this L is doing a good job on your case?

The part that's killing me is only 12 hours a week to visit my daughter? I went in this place knowing I had the truth on my side, I wasnt asking for anything other than normal visitation, and that the R-order be dropped... and this? I cant understand it. What should I do?

Well, this is just temporary. Your situation I guess has improved a bit. What does your L say will happen at final hearing? I would think you would get more time than that; that is very low. The good news is this gives you and your L time to work on that and do what needs to be done to change that.

Do you (or anyone for that matter) think I should still try and save this?

Well, that's up to you. I think at this point, maybe you could just focus on GALing and 180s and anything you can do to make yourself into the best man and best dad you can be. I do think from what you post that you sound like you're not ready to give up yet, but only you can know that for sure. Karen

[bluerain]

Hi MotoB, I just wanted to check in on you. Im sorry that things have gotten harder for you. I am glad to see that the order was dropped. Work/life has some great resources for people, think its FOH, or something like that. And you probably have access to a chaplain, who could be a great person for you to talk to.

[motoB]

Well lots has happened since I last wrote. Ive obviously been dealing with a lot with my pain and anguish, and I was building myself up for my 12 hour visit with D. The part that was hardest was knowing I was going to see the W to exchange my D. Well as it turned out it went very well, me and the W actually talked for nearly an hour. By this point I had already fired my lawyer, and was shopping for a new one. We agreed to try her L, together. She said she still wanted to be my best friend, and then on 3 different occasions said that we had to get D, but could possibly/maybe/could be reconnecting after the D. I never once asked her anything about it, and actually moved away from it politely in our conversation every time she brought it up. She actually agreed to let me keep the D till 10pm instead of 8pm. It was a very pleasant conversation.

Later on that evening, my D wanted to stay the night, and called the W to see if she could(this was Saturday night) and it got pretty heated, but somehow I got on the phone with her and eased her back. I haven't been able to ease her anywhere in the last year. She let the D stay the night. The next day she let her stay again, and allowed me to drop my D at camp on my way to work on Monday morn. WOW! this was so great for me, to be with my D finally its the first time I really smiled since this all began. I texted the W and thanked her so much for being cooperative and told her what it meant to me to be with our D.

Everything was really good, then I got served with the new protective order, and it really hurt me again, I knew it was coming but for some reason it re hatched all the original feelings. My W got served to and it scared her cause this one basically told her that she couldn't give me permission to break the order in any way, which we had been a lot at this point. Now there is no protective order against my D but there is on my W. Now the W says she thinks I should only do 12 hours like the judge said, cause shes afraid she will get in trouble. Ive called around and the general consensus is that my wife can extend visitation all that she wants. She just has to follow the protective order. This is so stupid, cause technically we cant really see each other to drop off our child, or talk to each other about the child. The W says she is going to try and have her L drop the order, or at least amend it. I'm kinda getting the feeling she wont. So hopefully Ill, have more time with the D this weekend... Guess I have to patient and let it work out. Everyone around me says not to trust her. I don't know what to do. Why would she keep bringing up that we might could get together in the end? Ok, well Ill try and update this thing daily again so I don't get so long winded... keep us in your prayers
ps bluerain, Ive called in all the spiritual people Ive ever had a relationship with and got all them praying overtime on this one.
pss Karen thanks for the advice you always have deep insight... both of you are very appreciated

[bluerain]

I dont understand why she is pursuing the protective order, any ideas? I just got a new book, its called Hope for the separated: Wounded marriages can be healed. by Gary Chapman, I got it on amazon.com, it was $3.00.

I havent read it yet, but Im excited about it. Gary Chapman is a christian author, and the book is a guide for christian marriages, but when everything started for me, even though Im not a super spiritual person, really, I cant explain it, but I appreciated the comfort that it gave me.

[motoB]

Thanks bluerain, Ill look into the book. As far as why she is pursuing the protective order, according to her she was going to drop it, but my sleaze bag lawyer brought it on me. I dunno.

Today soon as I got to my mothers house(where I'm staying) my Mom told me that my W was having an affair with a guy from the church. I asked her how she knew and she told me that someone from the church had told her that she thought something was going on. Well I went back and checked the phone bill, and sure enough she had been talking to this man since 26 of June. I did something extremely stupid... I called the guy and confronted him. He told me that he has had contact with my W, but only because she was keeping his dog for him. He promised me that there has never been anything romantic, and said he understood why I called him, and that he would have done the same. He then told me that he wouldn't tell the W because they didn't really have that kind of R anyway, and that he didn't want to cause me any undo stress with the W. I didn't like the way it made me feel so I called my D and talked to her for a while and my W actually got on the phone. We had some small talk about some of our bills, and I decided to tell her what I had done. She was kinda upset, which I understand. I told her I only wanted to be honest, and that I was. I also told her that I'm done with that kind of behavior because its not good for her or me. She told me that there was never anything going on there, but she said we are separated and if she did want to date someone she could, and that it didn't mean she was going to marry them. She acknowledged that she knew it would hurt me, and acknowledged it would hurt her if I dated, then we agreed to tell each other if we began to date. She then said that she knew I had hope to save the marriage, but the D was going to happen, and after wards if we were meant to be together then God would see to it. Again I agreed. She then acknowledged that she appreciated me telling her the truth when I didn't have to, and she agreed to let me have our daughter over night again. I guess in the end it went ok.

Do I think there's something to the rumors about the affair? I honestly don't know. I am uneasy about it. I guess when July's phone bill comes out Ill probably know a little more, but even then its not going to be conclusive. I know I talk to a girl all the time right now(for the women's insight) but I'm not doing anything with her... Do I think she will tell me if she dates? No, I don't.

Ive really got to get control of my actions and stop being so impulsive. Its so hard. This time she didn't sound so positive about the M working, but even with her being upset she didn't totally blast me, and she did defy the courts and say I could keep our D overnight again, so I need to count my blessings I guess. Its my impulsiveness that helped get me here. Dang I'm so frustrated with myself.

[1853dave]

Hi MotoB,

I read most of your sitch - so sorry to hear you are in the grinder right now. I've been there too. Protection order - what a joke, but it made her L a lot of money. Totally unuwarranted, but if they go to a judge and say "I'm scared!" then that's all it takes. MY L said "They hand them out like candy..." and they REALLY do. Had a Child and Family Investigator get involved - several thousand $$ went to her too - only to find that we are a regular couple...with marital problems. My restraining order (often under the misnomer "protection order") lasted for about 90 days. From November through January - included all of the major holiday, and both daughters' birthdays. Real nice. Her L was the big pusher of the restraining order. She even tried to have me arrested (on a false accusation of a violation) and the cop who responded told my W to stop being a puppet of her L, because if I end up in jail I might lose my job, and that wouldn't help the kids any (I'm the only family income-maker). Eventually, we went to mediation, and we talked and she agreed to drop the order - against her L's advice!!! This woman is a real piece of work - everyone knows her locally, and she used to be a judge in town but was FIRED from her job! But anyway....

This will be hard to hear maybe, but you will need to try to chill. It is unfair, it is not right, and you are getting shafted right now. That is all correct. But it could change any day. Try your best to NOT react. There were PLENTY of days I wasn't sure I could go on... I was restricted from seeing my daughters too, and it was H_LL for me...I had to be supervised, etc., and THAT was a big slap in the face. Absolutely ridiculous.

Happily, that is behind me now. I get along pretty well with the W now... We talk a lot more, and we are friendly... The D date is set for October, and I am getting real short on $$ because the nice judge let me pay her over 80% of my paycheck (temp financial orders) - but I am slowly working my way to some normalcy. I see my girls pretty often now, and speak to them daily...which means I speak to or see my W daily now too. I've been DBing my butt off, and seeing some positive results. I hope like heck that I am successful in saving my M, because I know in my heart that it can (will?) be better than ever. Just this past weekend I asked my W if she would reconsider the D date, and maybe we could work on things instead, and she told me she'd think about it... Which was great news for me! No guarantees of course, but this is a shift in her response from the past...when she assured me she wanted out.

I've been at this for 9 months now. I don't know how long it will take, and I hope I'm successful, but you have to hang in there, and try, try, try to be patient.

Try to think of improvements she'd like to see, and get to work on them now. For me, it took me a while to learn to stop being defensive, and to listen to my W, which means accepting what she says (even if you don't agree) and not interrupting. I also found, in time, that when I gave a bit, she'd give a bit.

This takes time...so try to make yourself happy, realign your focus, enjoy your time with your D, and DON'T PANIC. Easy advice to give, hard to follow at this time, but try your best.

Good luck man, Others have done it, so can you.

[bluerain]

MotoB, are you still active duty military? If you are then she can lose all of her benefits if she dates and people find out about it, even if you arent the one to report it. According to the military you are married until a judge says you are not. Also, on your side, you dont date, or even look like you might be possibly thinking about it, no matter what, until a judge says that you are no longer married.

I think that you were fine to confront the guy, and even if there is something going on between them, you will probably have put a hiccup in their works. But I really didnt get the feeling that an A was involved, could be wrong of course, but who knows at this point.

[motoB]

Ok real quick I see the W in the morning to pickup D, any advice on how to handle it? I'm wide open to suggestions. I want so bad to ask her questions about the possible A, and many different things as y'all could imagine. Help me out. Thanks
B