Gotta Keep Trying 2

[givingitmyall]

Working out has always been a great stress reliever for me. I highly recommend it.

[AlexEN]

Hey, I'm not suggesting there aren't/shouldn't be days like that. I've had many, just some food for thought on how/if you might try something else since your focus seemed off. And, yes, this is the place to vent... But, I can't tell you how many times I've worked out thinking about what she's thinking... It's a headgame you play with yourself.

[givingitmyall]

Thanks Alex.

I really do appreciate your advice. And I know you are correct.

I'm not sad, just feeling a little tired of being the unselfish one all the time. I think that is natural, and I'm not surprised.

I will look up the threads you mentioned. Anytime I am faced with a new feeling/sitch, I feel I can use it to learn something new - both about myself and how to handle it better in the future.

I am better now - we have retreated to our respective rooms after putting the kids to bed. I lingered in the kitchen to see if she was going to shut her door without saying good night. But, she waited until I came walking past her door to say "sleep well." Ok.

[iwantittowork]

GIMA,

Our sitch's are similar, and thanks for posting in mine, I wanted to offer some advice as well. I have no idea if I am db'ing correctly but the last few weeks I have subtly shifted my thoughts to what I want in my life, not what I think WE want, or SHE wants.

That has made it much easier to lower the pressure on myself and be happier with who I am, etc. The book "No More MR. Nice Guy" has been eye opening to me, not sure if it would to you, but wanted to put it out there.

By shifting my focus to me, understanding that I will be ok with or without my W, it has allowed me to see things a bit more clearly, set some boundaries for myself. I am not actually clear on how I shifted my focus, even subtly like that, but think you should look to try to do that as well.

It's not selfish to do so, and may help pull the weight off your shoulders a bit. I don't know if my W will notice, maybe others that have gone through this can speculate on that, but I also know it means less to me now if she does notice, as what I am doing is for me, not for her.

Good luck, I am going to try and stick around in your thread as well, mutual support has been really helpful to me from everyone.

[givingitmyall]

Thanks IWITW.

I have done a pretty good job on focusing on me, and I have given up caring what she says/thinks. As long as something is the right thing to do for my kids and me, then that's what I do.

Yesterday was a blip caused by what I perceived as simply rudeness and selfishness on her part - I know I should not be surprised by that, and I'm not. Just think it bubbled to the top.

Despite my feelings yesterday, I do still feel things moving in the right direction overall for M. We will just have to see where it goes.

[iwantittowork]

Awesome GIMA, keep it up! I have those down days as well, but I find they come less and less lately, and not quite as huge an emotional dip, do you find the same thing?

I'd like to attribute that to my getting better at loving detachment...

[givingitmyall]

Ditto. Bad days much fewer and much less severe.

[givingitmyall]

Well, might be a good sign. W called me on her way home fro$ work (a first since bomb day) to talk to me @ a relative of her's who is in ICU and probably won't make it. She asked me if there was a death benefit for someone like her relative (he's indigent).

So did she call for free legal advice (always worth what you paid for it) or b/c she wanted to tell me _ she could have told me once I got home.

Don't know. My approach will remain the same.

[sandi2]

She's always had a hard time taking a compliment.

Very typical for a looooot of women. I don't know why, but it's like they have to offer some type of.......opposite comeback, or an excuse.....I don't know what to call it. Surpised they get as many compliments as they do....LOL. Don't take it personally, though, just keep saying things from time to time. At this stage....not too much or it will appear as pursuing.

Also, about her work issues......I think I may have forgotten to mention that when she is venting to you and you are listening.....you can nod your head like you are agreeing with her....but don't say you "know how she feels". For some reason...that statement can be a trigger. She's upset already and being a WAW, she could get very angry at "you" and say that "You don't KNOW how she feels!" See what I mean?

Did you, as an almost WAW, ever reach a point where you were simply satisfied with a R that involved your H being around, but only as a friend? Yes, this goes back to my thinking we are stuck right now. W could be distracted by the work issue.

Ohhhh, how do I tell you this without it discouraging you???
Yes, I did finally reach a point where I could.......shall I say "relax" and be "friends" with my H. I wouldn't use the word "satisfy" b/c things were tense for sooooo long and I wasn't here b/c I wanted to be here.....remember? I felt that I didn't have a lot of options opened up for me....at least not the ones I wanted as a WAW who was in an EA. That is what you have to realize. It took a very long time for me to even decide if I was going to remain in the home. Then I had to decide to end the EA. Then I had to get through the grieving over OM. Then I had to try to find some way of thinking of building a bridge to be a friend with my H. So, there were a lot of baby steps there for me. Took a long time. I won't even tell you how long we were in the "friendship" stage b/c you would throw up your hands in despair! I'm not kidding you when I tell you that it takes a very long time for a WAW to try to be willing "to be willing".

Dia gave you an excellent post. I agree that you are not "stuck", but it is you struggling with your emotions and wanting to speed up the process. You cannot speed her up....which I think you realize that, but your emotions are still wanting to be in control. I guess we all have that problem in our personal issues. If we can make the emotions step down....then we have the battle about won.

Another question would be whether this "friend" stage is actually part of the process of a WAS maybe taking a breath to think about what they said in the heat of the moment when they dropped the bomb. I recall you, I think, saying the early stages involved becoming friends again. Until that is in place, then love cannot "re-ignite" so to speak. I just don't want to become stuck inbetween those points.

Well, that was how it was in my stitch. My H and I had had intimacy problems for a long time. We had other family burdens that had taken a huge toll on us in many ways. Then I had a lot of health issues that added to the problems. All of it together placed me in a bad emotional & vulnerable place. That's when I started my computer activity & met OM. As I said, it took a very long time for me, but you need to take in account all of the other issues that exsisted before the EA. As in most cases here on the board, it wasn't something that just happened overnight. It took years to get where I was in the EA and so it was going to take a long time to get my MR healed with my H. It wasn't him. I want you to realize that, okay? My H was fine and had forgiven me and was ready to jump in bed and pick up where we had left off a long time ago. But it was me! I had the problems. Your wife will have the problems. See, you are ready now. Right? But she isn't. Unless a WAW is very passionate and has a high sex drive and is one who can ML with her H......that makes it sooooo much easier for them to heal the R. But, I couldn't do that. I had that problem a long time before the EA. See the difference? I still would think that "most" WAW's would want to have a friendship R with their H's.......even if some of them wanted to ML. Gee, I hope that makes sense to you.

When your W warms up to you and can be relaxed......that is a good beginning. But, be prepared for her emotions to still be up & down. I think the goal for you is to try to keep the atmosphere at home free of tension and as fun & light as possible. Watching light-hearted TV shows. Nothing serious. Find things to laugh with your kids, etc. When she can consistently feel relaxed and not worried you are going to get the wrong idea about her leaving or staying.....and not approaching her with R talks, then she will relax and you will have dealt with a great battle right there!

when Wpopped out of her roomwith kleenex in hand and asked "can you come kill this spider in here?"

Don't that just make you feel like "the man"? LOL

So, no messages from W today. None. No sweat. W is going through job stress, and if she does not want to turn to me, so be it.

If you had been around me when I was in my WAW mode......then you would see that you are very lucky that your W will even talk to you at any time! I never contacted my H. Heck, I didn't get in the same room with him, cook for him, nothing. He was strickly on his own. Don't let the emotions rule.

just am feeling the disrespect today for some reason. Maybe the weekend got my hopes up.

I am almost tempted to tell you not to get hopes up like that b/c it's too soon IMHO, and you are setting yourself up for a disappointment. But, I don't want you to feel that there is NO HOPE! B/c I see a lot of hope. You and your W get along much better that my H & I did! Don't let her talk down to you and don't allow yourself to feel like a doormat even if you have to leave the house for several hours.

just feeling a little tired of being the unselfish one all the time.

I can only imagine! You feel that it is all about her and how she's feeling, right? You are taking a back seat to what she does and how she's feeling that day. Why not make your life about "you"? What can you do that would make you feel better that does not include your W? I'm not expecting you to go through a day without thinking about her. I hope I never reach a place the my H doesn't even cross my mind throughout the day! But, try real hard not to stay zoomed in on her so much. I think you are doing a terrific job! I'm so glad you come here to vent your frustrations.

I lingered in the kitchen to see if she was going to shut her door without saying good night. But, she waited until I came walking past her door to say "sleep well." Ok.

Can I tell you something Sweetie? We wives know you guys. We read you like a book! She knew exactly what was going through your mind. Heck, I know what was going through your mind and I'm not even M to ya! So, what I'm saying is that your body language is telling the story loud and clear to her. With you lingering to see what she was going to do......you gave her the power over you. Did you realize that? And, I'll tell you something else and don't want to hurt your ego, but it put a spot light on you that said...."Hey, look at me. I'm needy, here!" Well of course you're needy. Why wouldn't you be? But the idea is not to look the part. Next time, you need not to wait to see what she's going to do, but you need to be the one to walk away and go to your bedroom first. If she wants to be with you, I bet she knows the way to your room. Play hard to get, okay? I know....you're hoping she'll catch you.. Someday, she will. BTW, are you looking extra good before bedtime? You know what I'm always telling you guys about wearing good smelling cologne.....ALL THE TIME.....not just at bedtime b/c that gives out a message too. Wear it all the time. Look good enough to gobble up! You got to tease her appetite a little.

It's late and I need to get ready to turn in for the night. Need to find some of that good smelling perfume.....

[givingitmyall]

Thanks Sandi. You made me think and laugh. Great combination.

You are right that I probably do not need to know how long this will take. I am trying not to focus on the long term other than realizing the goal I'm working towards. Eyes on the prize thing.

I am making sure I'm not the doormat. Coach has helped a lot with his input. Basically trying to lead in a loving, respectful way. I have seen positive results from that. And I like the way it makes me feel.

I am trying to make sure even when I am lounging at the house on the weekends that I look good. Shaven, hair, clothes. Nothing over the top, just well put together.

On the comment about ML, she has not had a high sex drive in a LOOONG time. With the early menopause startign 6 months ago, I do not look for this to change anytime soon. Just hope I can make it through that.

And, you are correct that I want to speed this up, even though I know I can't. Those dam$ emotions getting in the way. I sually do well controlling them, but they have been winning the last day or so (until today).

Thanks again Sandi. I really apreciate your input.