Trying to cope with H, IA/EA (was Newbie-1st post)

[givingitmyall]

Ash,

I agree with drew. Good response. DO NOT let him know how you know he is using pet names for OW.

And, I wouldn't respond to his last question of what you are doing.

Hang in there.

[Faith2010]

Thanks GIMA. I didn't respond.

H is home now. Started interrogating me on how I found out the information. I didn't answer and left the room.

Come back in and had my cell phone out and H started with comments on how sneaky I was, how I'm playing lying games etc... Again, I ignored him and left the room.

Doesn't look like it's gearing up to be a good night. I'm gonna get ready for bed and read a book (not in the same room as H).

Wish me luck cause I hear him and he's NOT HAPPY!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ashlee,

NEVER reveal the source(s) of your intel. If he asks you how you know, just say "I'm not going to tell you. The important thing is that you've been lying to me, and it's incredibly disrespectful to me, our marriage and our family."

If he asks you why you won't tell him, say "Because I choose not to."

If he accuses you of being sneaky, say "I'm trying to protect myself and our family. Why have you been lying to me?"

Don't let him focus this on YOUR behavior; it needs to be focused on HIS.

However, that all being said, try not to engage at all. If he gets loud, rude or disrespectful, END THE CONVERSATION IMMEDIATELY.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Right or wrong here's what I did today. Arrived home from work and H starts the lovey-dovey stuff and I couldn't take it. I told H that an emotional affair is not acceptable in our M. He denied having an affair. I explained the definition of an emotional affair to him (giving his emotions to someone other than myself, his wife). I told him I was aware of the pet name he is now using for her. H denied it repeatedly. The accusations started, which I ignored for the most part. H continued to deny, defend, accuse etc... I left. Maybe not what I am supposed to do, but I felt I had to.

Ashlee, I think you handled this very well. Just try and make sure you link your walking away with him shouting, being profane, being rude or disrespectful, or lying. You don't want to look like you're backing down from him; rather, you're making a principled stand (ex.: "We both know you're lying right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful. If you're not going to at least be truthful with me, then this conversation is over." Or, "I won't allow myself to be shouted and and cursed it -- I'm leaving. Let me know when you're ready to talk like a respectful adult."

Puppy

[sandi2]

Yes! What Puppy said!

[givingitmyall]

Hey Ash,

Just checking in on you. Everything ok?

[Faith2010]

Help...

Got home and H and I got into it. H started the blaming game - accusing me of spying on him (once again asking how I got the info) I did not tell him and focused on his lying and disrepectfulness to me, our M and our family. No, H is not yelling. H then says he was going to take me out to dinner and start focusing on 'us' and I ruined it. I told H I know about how 'far' his affair has gone (suggesting the sexual nature of it). H drove away then comes back.

Again he quizzes me on how I got the info, how he is astounded that I would spy on him and how horrible of a person I am for doing it. I again put the focus back on him, his disrespectfullness, his lying and the affair. I told him that each contact he makes with OW hurts me more and pushes me further away. (IC suggested such) H then tells me he was going to ask me for the name of a counselor for him tonight but now he is not because he does not think the M is going to work.

I know I probably made mistakes here but I need to know what to do RIGHT NOW. I think H is still home, S is outside and I don't know that I can stay in this house with him.

[Faith2010]

I'm not sure about leaving although H is still here. S is outside playing with a bunch of friends and having a great time. I don't want to make S leave or leave and have H in charge.

[givingitmyall]

Ash

I don't see any mistakes. None.

As for lvg house, is this a safety issue? If yes, then get out now. If not, just play it cool. He's the one who should be worried.

Hope you are seeing his pattern of "I was gonna do x but not now". He's trying to control

And he's flipping out to know how you know @ A - if nothing to hide, why be defensive. You know better.

[Faith2010]

As for lvg house, is this a safety issue? If yes, then get out now. If not, just play it cool. He's the one who should be worried.

Hope you are seeing his pattern of "I was gonna do x but not now". He's trying to control

And he's flipping out to know how you know @ A - if nothing to hide, why be defensive. You know better.

Thanks GIMA. No, there is not a safety issue. No worries on that end, I'd call 911 if it ever went there.

I know about the pattern - I was even thinking it in my head as he was saying it. 100% control. No doubt.

I forgot to mention he said something to the effect of "why would I want to stay with someone who is going to spy on me?"

I can't recall what I said next but I didn't really acknowledge it, not letting the focus be on me. At one point, however, I did say if we ever did decide to work on our relationship, there would have to be a lot of changes.

H just came to the door and asked how many pieces of fish I want for dinner. I feel like my life could be a movie entitled "Monster vs. Alien".