Yes, it is. I used to have self esteem issues. I thought they were gone, but I guess not for good. I am trying to make decisions and plans, but so far have been met with resistance. I will keep trying.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Before I forget to explain what I said about my H's statement he made to me about missing my nearness......that was quite a while before I had the mentality of a WAW. Really didn't apply to that stitch, but something was said that made me think of it. Wanted to clear that up.
I talked quite a bit on another LBH's thread about passive men. My H was that way. I say "was" b/c he has changed a lot. Funny how that before we M, I saw his quiteness as the "strong slient type" and thought he was cool. Then after we M, I expected him to open up his heart and TALK TO ME! Now, if he didn't do it before we M, why on earth would I expect him to do it after we M? Anyway, what attracted me to him before M, was the "thing" that drove me nuts, afterward.
Guess what my OM was like? Yep! The complete opposite of my H. I believe passive personalities in men can be seen as a sign of "weakness" in the eyes of his W. I don't mean that to sound disrespectful to you or any of the other guys here. I would use the word "meek" but somebody who didn't understand what the NT word for "meek" means--would bring in WWJD....and you don't want to get me going in that!
So, women who are M to passive men will test them. Oh, yes they will. H's must.....MUST show his W that he will be respected if she's going to be M to him. It works differently when it is the man who is passive rather than when it's the woman who is passive. (Won't get into women being passive b/c it doesn't have the same applications.)
The man has to be admired and attracted by his wife, and she must respect him to admire him and be sexually attracted to him. It all works together. This could get deep and you could ask me if I'm sexually attracted to every man I respect. Of course not. I'm just saying that a WIFE must have all of those feelings to be in-love with her husband. I respect & admire several men. My father would probably be at the top of the list (not counting my H). The reason I don't put my H on that same list of men......is one reason and one reason only. I am not sexually attracted or have any sexual R with any other man EXCEPT my H. That is the ingrediant. That sets him apart from all the respected men I know. But, do you see what I'm saying here? I must feel all of those things for him! That is how we females are wired.
So, just as you have to teach your children to respect you as their father......you have to teach your W to respect you as her H. Am I suggesting shouting matches? Aboslutely not. In fact, talk in a low, but very firm voice (when neccessary) to her and don't raise your voice. You aren't the police officer here with her, you are her H, but you still must establish authority......just in a different manner. You don't use physical or verbal force with your W. It is all in the attitude that is projected to her. She knows you better than anyone else, right?
She probably never told you this, but she longs to see you in a "take charge" manner. Which, it's kind of hard for me to visualize a police officer who is not like that....but every job has different personlities. You probably do "take charge" and show authority at work and with your kids, but never thought, or wanted, to do that in your MR. (I don't know about that.) Anyway....she desires to see her H as a man of "strength". I'm talking about mental strength. One who is emotionally strong. She needs to see a certain "power" in you. She actually wants her H to put her in her place if she yells at him or talks "down" to him. Those women who "want" to be boss over their H's shouldn't be in a M b/c it simply doesn't work well. Somebody is not going to be happy! I've known some great and wonderful ladies who were M to men who didn't want the job of being the head of the home and it was very difficult on these women. (Another subject...another time.) But let me quickly add here, in case some young man thinks he's going to be King Kong after reading this post........Women ALLOW their H's to be the "final authority" (so to speak). That's right. B/c if we women don't allow our H's to be the final authority......what can you really do about it, other than try to "force" it with abuse? It's like some of these threads we read about on the board......you may bust the A, but you can't force her to love you. So, to be clear.....I'm talking about what women desire in their hearts....even if she's not expressed it in words. Heck, some girls today don't even know what they desire with our society's mixed up teachings. (Getting away from the subject.......)
Do you know "how" to put her (your W) in her place? (Oh, I can hear my sister DBers cussing me now!) I hope you realize how I mean that...."putting her in her place". I don't mean to keep her barefooted, pregnant, and in the kitchen! I mean when she says or does something that shows disrespect. What do you do if she talks down to you in front of the children....or anyone else?
I mentioned WWJD a minute ago. So many people see Jesus as almost being a whimp. As if He was a sissy b/c He was pictured in many scriptures as being so loving, forgiving, and yes....meek. But, He was a "man's man". It was something He "projected" to the people. There was nothing sissy about Him! He put the self-righteous people, and some others, in their place, and even showed His physical strength when neccessary. He was never made to do anything He did not willing choose to do ! So, you can teach your W to respect you without being a bully. We women want to be treated as an equal partner.....and be treated fairly in everything.....and with respect......but we also want to see a strong man before us who we place all our trust in--to take care of us and our children. Have you ever considered how much that is requiring of a woman??? We must "trust" our H's to be in charge of the family. That is very hard for gals like me!
Yes, we W's go out into the workforce and we help in raising a family, etc. However, each person in the M has a "role" and when the man does not step-up and take charge.....then the woman will. Do you get that? She will take the reigns away from you if you don't PROVE that you can be the man she needs. So, be loving, forgiving, etc.....but you show her you are to be respected with her speech as well as her attitude. She is not to put you down in any manner.....and especially before your children! The way your children see their mother treat you, will teach your son/daughter how their role is to be carried out in a MR.
Sorry for the long sermon.....but don't know how to make it short like some of the guys do...... I have actually had a few posts where I used only one word! I'm serious!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think at one point she did like being the one who coordinated everything. I used to call her the family social director. But maybe after a long time of this, plus adding in that she percieved me not stepping up to the plate when the bankruptcy happened, she had enough. If this is the case, or in any case, if she truly lost respect for me, can it be regained?
Yes! It can be regained. My H and I are living proof of that. Don't lose hope.
I know what it is to have self-esteem issues. I know.....very hard to believe! However, for many years I did and it took a long time to come out of that. I did learn that if I did not like Sandi.....nobody esle would. We "teach" others what to think about us. What are you teaching your W? If she is seeing you not respecting yourself.....then neither will she. I think you gave up some of that when you thought you were giving in to her in some of the things in the R. It's fine for her to coordinate social activites.....family things, etc. However, when it comes to issues such as bankruptcy.......that's different. Of course she wants you to talk to her about what needs to be done. she wants to be respectfully considered and for you to hear her opinion......however, you are the man and she should be able to lean on your strength. THAT'S IT IN A NUTSHELL! She desires for you to be the man she can lean on and trust to take care of her and whatever threatens the family. I can't remember this particular part of your stitch, but I'll use it for an example; that is a scary thing for a woman....bankruptcyy! Sure, it is for a man as well. But, we see you guys as being the TOUGH one in the partnership. Your the man, right? We are taught that as little girls. The MAN will take care of us as a family. Doesn't take our independence away, like some women's lib might argue......but in a MR......women (who are truly a wife) desire to lean on their H.
As a police officer, you probably have to put up with a lot of cr@p, right? I would think that it would wear a person's self-esteem down after day in & day out routine of dealing with a disrespectful public. When you go home, you probably want to simply shut it off and not have to "deal". Am I pretty close?
An A with OP is the most disrespectful thing a M partner can do. It takes the worst toll on the self-esteem. It took me coming here and reading about the pain you LBS go through for me to really get my eyes open and see what I had put my H through. Remember, I was still in an EA when I came on board. I was very much in a fog and it took this board helping me to find my way. Anyway, I respect my H more right now than I ever have in our M. He doesn't take any cr@p off of me and stands up to me......and you know what? I may get mad sometimes.....but I had rather him be this way, than to be like he was.
Your ego has taken a terrible beating. You are in love with your wife. You are in awful pain. But you can do this! You can regain her respect. She wants to be able to do that. But, you have to earn it. Will not be easy at this point, but if my H can do it.....ANYBODY can do it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, thank you so much for this and every post you have responded with to me. You seem to genuinely care, as do so many others here. I take what you said very seriously. I know what I must do to regain my wife's respect. The problem with me is implementing it. I have to accept that by standing up to her and not putting up with being treated badly is the right thing to do, and not worry that it may hurt her feelings or make her like me less. You are right in so many of your points. Your observations on Jesus' life and mission is an inspiration. And what you said about being a cop; I am always so afraid to show my cop attitude to her that I completely flip the other way. On patrol in NY, you have to have a certain outlook, a certain way of thinking, and attitude. It is not one for the W. In this case where she has hurt me, and the way she treats me, I have to consciously not react the way I would if I was at work. Even more, when I am at work, I do and must make all decisions from mundane to life and death. I do a very good job at that, too. I think that after dealing with the type of person I do at work, I end up Linda putting W on a pedestal. As such, I base my strength at work on my M at home. I know that I have taken her for granted. I know that while o would sit at he and try to wind down from work, I neglected her, figuring she will always be there, will always love me. Thus, throughout all this, I am experiencing the guilt of realizing how much of our problems is my fault.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I could be wrong, but my read on puppy's post was that he was joking with you sandi in response to your statement that you have written short posts. (And we all welcome your posts, long or short).
I have actually had a few posts where I used only one word! I'm serious! 
However, for many years I did and it took a long time to come out of that. I did learn that if I did not like Sandi.....nobody esle would. We "teach" others what to think about us. What are you teaching your W? If she is seeing you not respecting yourself.....then neither will she. I think you gave up some of that when you thought you were giving in to her in some of the things in the R. It's fine for her to coordinate social activites.....family things, etc. However, when it comes to issues such as bankruptcy.......that's different. Of course she wants you to talk to her about what needs to be done. she wants to be respectfully considered and for you to hear her opinion......however, you are the man and she should be able to lean on your strength. THAT'S IT IN A NUTSHELL! She desires for you to be the man she can lean on and trust to take care of her and whatever threatens the family. I can't remember this particular part of your stitch, but I'll use it for an example; that is a scary thing for a woman....bankruptcyy! Sure, it is for a man as well. But, we see you guys as being the TOUGH one in the partnership. Your the man, right? We are taught that as little girls. The MAN will take care of us as a family. Doesn't take our independence away, like some women's lib might argue......but in a MR......women (who are truly a wife) desire to lean on their H.