I'm new to this board and don't know all the lingo, so please be patient with me. I went through this before with H. when we were married for 7 years and had our first child. I know he is depressed (or in a MLC). I've since learned to react to it differently although I am still panicking inside. I believe H's Depression (MLC) is caused now by our financial problems (filed Bankruptcy 3 years ago) and his dissappointments with his career.
He moved into the spare bedroom about a month ago. He is quiet and withdrawn at home and almost seems angry at times. He calls in sick at work more then ever before which was almost never. He says he is not happy, board with life, wants to run away. He claims there is no OW, and I have to admit I was snooping around to find evidence, but so far nothing. He is almost always home when he is not working. But he has lots of friends through work that he texts all the time so I never really know who he is talking to.
I'm pretty sure he is severely depressed and he will not seek treatment because he is going to school to be a police officer and is afraid it will affect his chances for employment in that field.
I've been trying to give him space, reading DBing books and not asking any questions. It is heart breaking though to be cut out of his life. He says none of this is my fault, yet he wants to be separated from me all the time. The last time he went through this it lasted at least 2 years, but I feel part of that was my fault because I was younger and a new mom and I begged, pleaded, cried all the time which I know drove him further away.
He still asks for sex, which confuses me since it was his choice to move into the other room. At first I said no because I did not want to be used, but then I gave in, yet it really hasn't helped at all. I thought it might bring us closer.
A week and half ago he told me he was going to go stay at a friends house for a while. Says he "just can't be here (at home) right now." I know this friend so I guess I am ok with it. I don't really have a choice at this point. I cried and asked why at first and then decided I needed to let him do what he needed to. He still txts me almost daily and stops by the house every day after work and comes over here to be with the kids on his days off. His decision makes no sense to me since he is just basically sleeping at his friend's place. Not sure how long I'm supposed to put up with this. I know it has only been about a week, but feels like an eternity to me.
He claims this is just temporary and he just needs to "get away", but I really don't understand his behavior. Would be willing to hear from others who have had to deal with a spouse who is having a depressive episode.
Our 21st anniversary is coming up in August and I'm not sure if I should acknowledge it or not. I can't find anything in the posts regarding this so if anyone has experience with this issue, please let me know.
It is such relief to know I am not the only person going through this because it sure feels like it.
M 43 H 45 Married 21 years
D 14 D 7
Last MLC 14 years ago...here I am again. H-staying at friend's house as of 7/8/09
I'm not an expert on long marriages, but I just wanted to say hello and let you know someone read your story and is thinking of you right now. Congrats on finding this site, you are exactly where you need to be.
Congrats also on your "grace under fire" by letting your husband go stay at the friends place. It must be incredibly difficult to see him every day, yet encouraging that he's staying in touch via text messages.
I am however, very familar with depression, and let me tell you, a two year long recovery is a heck of a long time. It doesn't sound like he's been getting therapy or medication back then or now though, and he needs it if he's having 2 year long episodes! It concerns me that he's interested in becoming a police officer because it makes me think he hasn't done any career counseling either, or why would he put off life saving depression treatment just for a potential career, especially at his age?
Seeing this depression again would be really hard for the kids, so maybe it's a good thing he's not staying at home 24/7.
It's good you are dealing with it differently, because you're right, I don't think the crying probably helped any last time. I also want to reassure you that when people (me) are depressed, we can be incredibly self centered and just focused on the minute to minute survival - so much so that we ignore people who we know want to help us. When you are super depressed, it can feel like a huge burden just to listen to your voicemail, even though you turned off the phone purposesly for a few hours to "Get some peace and think w/o interupption".
Everything took me longer and was harder than it should have been. Nothing felt good or fun to me anymore. All I could see was despair and darkness ahead of me in my world. This is not the way I feel now, of course, but I've been there recently enough (Feb/Mar this year) that I know what I'm talking about. During that time, I was "too tired" to even journal day to day, and could barely drag my butt out of bed. I ended up getting a new antidepressant that has helped tremendously, and I'm out of the dark woods now and can feel hope and potential for my future.
I don't plan on being on this medication forever, probably until either the D goes through and I'm surviving successfully on my own, or until a few months after we reconcile, when I get my husband back and we rebuild our marriage. It just helped lead me out of the dark, and doing my own work with my therapist and exercising and working on GAL will do the rest of the job and at some point I won't need the medication. Some people are really worried about having to stick to something for life, that's why I am explaining this to you. I will always be on one medication for depression because I need it due to chronic depression as well as especially bad bouts like I did in Feb/Mar that were severe enough to warrant additional medication/stronger self help measures, but I will ditch the "extra" medication once the crises of this D settles one way or another.
The point is, and you seem to have gotten this, is that this depression/MLC may not be about your marriage at all, but your husband needs help to recover. His recovery is much more important than him changing careers. It literally can be life and death to him, and will change your children for the better when they get their dad back, acting as he should be for them. For their sake, he's got to get some help.
Me: 36 H: 34 M: 1 yr T: 2 yrs D: filed by H 5/21/09, served 06/08/09, first court date for "maintenance" as well as a plea to restart Marriage Counseling and attend a Marriage workshop 8/24
Thanks so much for your response IWill. I couldn't agree with you more that my husband needs to seek some kind of treatment. He has been on Paxil for the past 10+ years since his last episode. He was on various other meds that did not seem to help him much, I don't remember the names of them. He still takes the Paxil, but I know when someone is on a medication for a long time it can often stop working. So on top of all the career struggles he is having, his age and if the medication he takes no longer works for him...he is once again in a major depressive episode.
He's also the kind of person who does not like to be given advice...especially from me at this particular moment. He seems to do better when he comes to the right conclusion (that yes I need help) himself which is what happened the last time we went through this. I think he finally determined he couldn't shake it on his own. He really is a great guy when he is not depressed..but not only is there a family history of depression in his family, but he has always been a "glass half empty" kind of person.
He is currently employed as a Firefighter EMT so he has the medical knowledge regarding what depression is etc. Again it's hard to help those that won't help themselves. He gets very restless also when he is like this. Now he talks about wanting to move to another part of the country. Doesn't like the long winters where we currently live (upper midwest). Of course we have a 14 year old daughter who wants nothing to do with moving as she wants to stay close to her friends. I feel like I'm in a catch 22. Want to make husband happy, but don't want to hurt my daughter either. It's very tough. I guess I need to just do one day at a time. I guess my first thing is just to get him to come home again. In the mean time I'm trying to stay level headed and not be emotional at all in his presence.
Thanks so much for your support and kind words. It's nice to know that there are many people out there going through the same thing. It's just too bad it has to be that way.
Been there. Need to address the depression before anything can change in the M or in himself.
"...he will not seek treatment because he is going to school to be a police officer".
Need to take that chance. Depression will manifest itself one way or another as in...
"He calls in sick at work more then ever before which was almost never."
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
