K4D Rising #4

[25yearsmlc]

I'm not really sure what I am doing wrong in my M anymore. I leave my W alone. I do what I want with my time. I am working on my faith. I am picking up dancing. I am trying to have a social life. I talk with the priest once a week. I spend time with my girls. Last night I defended myself going to the mass because of her feelings towards it, but that was all.

I feel like I am doing better. I am still taking medication. Infact I am eating better. I think I am probably up to 200 pounds now versus 195 pounds. I need to start lifting weights this week. I am trying to encourage other people to work on their marriages and DB even though I backslide.

Yes, it is hard to be in front of my W. What was I like back in 97? W says I had issues back then but she just thought I would grow out of them. I'm not sure what made her fall in love with me. It could be that she was so miserable in her situation I was an out for her. We used to have great conversations that would last for hours. We haven't had those in years. She won't have conversations with me anymore. I was a lot more confident and much stronger back then. But I also had my weak moments then to. We talked online and the phone for the first 3 months before we met. Then after that is was a lot of ML more than anything. Then she got pregnant. Then we got married. Life started. I worked jobs I could find and she did to. For the longest time we were getting by on next to nothing. We worked our way up over time. But with my drinking, other problems grew and I had never really addressed them. She finally got fed up, fell for another guy at work, and so far the rest has been downhill.

Through the years I learned how to grill some great Tandoori wings and make some good pizzas. I love experimenting with foods.

My 2 daughters needed a father which they have now. My W needed a strong H and didn't have one as time went on. I am trying to be strong again. But right now it doesn't matter to her. The famous WAW line "It's to little to late".

Therefore I stand and work on things and pray for a future with her. I try to find what works for me. I have told her I would love to do the things with her that interest her to no avail because that was one of her complaints. She thinks she is much smarter than me and just can't be with someone not as intelligent as her. These are the latest anyways.

Today she IM'd me asking if I had plans tonite. I said yes. She said ok, nevermind then. I didn't respond back after that.

It is kind of rainy outside today. I need to call my girls tonight and say hi to them and tell them I love them.

I am having mexican food tonight at a restaurant that is in Dallas now that me and W used to eat at when we started out in Tyler, TX. It will be strange but I will be with a friend and I am looking forward to the food and company.

Nobody in AA is a loser and I never said that. But you know what, you are right in that who am I to say they are screwed up without looking at myself first. I wouldn't be where I am if I didn't make a bunch of stupid mistakes myself. Honestly though I did not feel comfortable there in that meeting. I went to a different one that was similar and walked out of that one before it really got started after seeing and hearing the people there.

I think I felt uncomfortable talking about my spiritual beliefs with the C as how it would relate into all of this. I guess I felt like the priest was a better way to go. I just didn't see the C pulling the 2 together to help me out.

I am very happy to be part of a standers group and to have the help and support on this site and to be part of the church that I am part of now. I am making friends and that is great.

I do pray multiple times a day and I am really trying to build on that.

I knew I was going to get ripped to peices today for changing course again. But this is one I intend to stay on. There isn't anything more important than this one. If you don't have God, you have nothing.

Kevin

I did not "rip you apart" at all. NO ONE ripped you for having religious beliefs. NO ONE... I pointed out the hypocrisy and judgementalism in your words, while you are simultaneously claiming that you are on a spiritual journey.

And you missed out on the biggest part of AA/NA. It was your judgementalism that caused you to miss out on it. And you must not really read our posts. I am a L and went to a group mostly of ex-con's more than once, before moving on to find one with more women and or more people I felt comfortable with b/c as a L, several people there wanted me to represent them and I was NOT there to get business.....But the first person to reach out to me in a meaningful way, was a convicted felon. And as I said, the first meetings I attended were mostly court ordered folks or ex cons...so there I am, a L, at meetings with people I may have prosecuted or defended in the past....
Can you reflect for one minute about that? Do you see how dizzying that was for me? PREGNANT...Talk about UNCOMFORTABLE...

I learned a lot about humility, mankind, and myself that day. Wouldn't trade it for anything. I did toss out my pride and took help from whomever. I accepted help from "the least of my brothers" I'm sorry you made yourself miss out on such a rich experience.


Nor am I bashing you for going to Catholic church, (hardly) but I DO have to wonder about your timing and constant references to your w's disagreements about it. And why you think you are getting ripped for religion? Come on, now you are a victim of religious persecution here too? Would you really mind terribly if your w took them to a Lutheran Church, since she's taking them nowhere now?

I've told my older kids to feel free do their own search; and talk about it with me I hope, and while I hope they stay mainstream and preferably, Catholic, all I really ask is that join what feels most loving to them, and that they not join a church that bashes others... I highly recommend Blue Like Jazz for you, (sigh, AGAIN, since God knows I've said it 10 times before.)

Your w takes them nowhere now correct? SO if she takes them somewhere, that'd be better, right? Or are we going to say "Better NO GOD than a Protestant one?" Hope not.

And yes I do take offense at your characterization of the 12 steps, the people there. The way you described your c struck me as arrogant. I don't recall if you finished college, but that guy wants to get a PhD in helping people like us and you, and your comment was all about how young he was, and inexperienced, and I had to wonder, if there was a tad of insecurity or resentment somewhere in there. I'm no shrink. But the resentment was there somehow I felt it....Won't pretend to mind read your though....

But I cannot help but note so much resistance to the real work that needs to be done and the repetitive nature of your mistakes which are related to your internal issues. & as much as I have admired many of my Professor Priests, I cannot imagine one Priest being able to help you with problems that include saying "I never was happy before meeting wife" b/c "I don't know how to be happy", and how "can I learn not to be so emotional with her" or how to control your thought process, and you don't know how to hold your tongue, AND you want to write to your w "one more time" or ask her to go this workshop and what if this? And what if THAT? And job advice for career stuff and not drinking again--oh wait, you fixed that b/c you havent' been drunk in ...awhile...Oh, and also be there to explore your theological interests. That's a lot for any priest and I'm bettine there are other parishoners...

Is it possible that the easy stuff is talking to a priest about God, and how He'll reunite you with w, and NOT look at the rest of that unpleasant stuff? Isn't it possible that this is what is really going on, and if you want to call this feedback getting "ripped apart" you are making yourself out to be a victim.

And saying that you wanted to tell us the truth about the AA meetings and quitting the c too, but knew you'd get "attacked" or whatever, is what liars say when they tell their spouses "I would have told you but you'd get mad..." yeah, they're right that others get mad. Does not make the witholding of truth right though, does it? It's what people who lie say Kevin. Don't justify it. Not to us. Not here. Now if that's a 2 x 4, so be it. If you want to pretend the 2 x 4 is about religion, you are deluding yourself. It's about the lying. And it's not really a 2 x 4. I think it's calling it like it is.

You ignored advice which is FINE, but you pretended to take it and then didnt' tell anyone when you quit, even when you were asked repeatedly how things were going at the meetings or the c? You said NOTHING about quitting 'til today and for me THAT"S a deal breaker. (All you ever said about the c, was the criticism of the c, and something positive about the AA meeting or called it "interesting"...but then at those pesky meetings they DO expect you to eventually admit you have a problem but since you don't....they could not possibly help you.)

What Elizabeth Edwards said about wasting her time trying to regain what cannot ever be the same again, and spending time/energy on that pursuit, and how wasteful it was for her, and is her biggest regret...you said it resonated with you..I wish I knew how.

j-