Oh, I know - I always say something along the lines of "It's been a difficult few years for both of us, and he's going through something on his own right now, and I'm trying to have patience and compassion for whatever it is..." I don't really badmouth him or anything. I have a close friend or two that I vent to when I need to let out the anger, but for our mutual friends and family I try to be decent...
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
I even said "Hey, when we reconcile and he starts coming to parties with me again, don't get drunk and shank him, OK?"
I think part of the problem with this friend is his wife (one of my BFF's) is pregnant too, due on the same date, and he just can't comprehend what my H is doing.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
I wonder. I think we were both ill-prepared to be parents... Yes, we had been together for about seven years when I got pregnant with our daughter, and we were tentatively planning to start a family that year after he came home from basic... mostly because that's what everybody else seemed to be doing and we wanted to have kids out of the way by the time we hit 30.
It was something on a list to be checked off. Not something either of us regret doing, but we both were always kind of iffy on kids. And we never gave ourselves a break in between me finishing my BS and him joining the National Guard.
I think also H has some unresolved issues with his own father's death 9 years ago. He's always seeking out an authoritative male presence - and he has a former boss that he's known for most of the time that we've been together (boss is my parents' age, mid-50's). Boss & wife always seemed to have a fun life, lots of money, great kids... but boss is an alcoholic. They finally separated this year, now that the youngest is 16. I don't think that H understands that the reason for the unhappiness in their relationship is probably more due to boss's drinking and looking for the greener grass, rather than actually being married...
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
Ahhh, insightful. It's was actually sort of the same for me. Back when H was hot and heavy with OW in his EA, one of his closest friends said he was having an affair. Made a joke...."know anyone who would want to take my wife off my hands?" The affair lasted for another 6 weeks or so. Then the friend called it off. During the affair....H was very distant. Then when the friend called it off, that seemed to have an impact on H....he warmed up a bit.
Another close golf buddy was going to divorce for the FIFTH time. Golf buddy told H about a 6 or 7 weeks ago he went home and told his soon to be ex wife "I can't do this again. I like you. We have our crap, but I like you. Want to work it out?" She does. So they are working on it. THAT impacted H too. That time is when H really started to warm up.
So yes, others impact them....I guess they impact us too.
I haven't spoken to H since Friday, but there have been a few texts back and forth...
Saturday afternoon, he texted that he saw a bunch of turkeys... (I sent back "Gobble gobble :)") It's kind of an inside thing - he used to call me "Turkey" as an affectionate pet name.
Saturday night he texted that he was so tired of being there. I texted back "I know. Hang in there."
Generally, if he calls I'll answer, or call him back, and I'll text him back if he texts me first.
No contact at all Sunday... but this morning I texted him the name of a band I think he should check out... I heard them on the radio this weekend and downloaded the album and it's great.
*Sigh* They are playing a concert here at the end of September, and I'd really like to go... I guess I could go by myself or ask a friend. I'd really like H to go with me, we used to go to concerts all the time when we were young'uns...
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
I promised for better or for worse, in sickness and health, richer and poorer, etc...
When he joined the military AFTER we'd been married for three years, I was also promising to stay with him even though there would be a strong chance of deployment, of him being killed, of him suffering traumatic injuries, of him being kidnapped and tortured.
He can't stay with me through a "normal" marital slump. My brother died. It sucked. It was reasonable for me to be affected by that. I was there for him, and I was understanding of all of his feelings and emotions and obligations when his father died when he was 20 and he had to take his 13-year-old brother in and raise him because his mom is looney.
I have been his freaking ROCK for almost a decade, and I'm disposable now because I showed some weakness?
OK, I'm done. And I know it's more about him than about me. It's about his weakness and not mine.
I'm just going to keep being the rock...
There better be diamonds at the end of this tunnel
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
Oh, and I offered to shoot him in the foot if he needed it to get out of going to drill next month I said I'd be willing to do it to help him out...
He said "I bet you would..."
I was kidding, of course. Kind of...
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
So, I texted H today that DD found her shadow, and he actually called me back and told me about his day for a few minutes. They let his company drink beer, so they've been a bunch of drunk useless soldiers all day long... I said good for him, hoped he was having a good time!
I was lucky enough to receive the following voicemail from H's mom:
"dmk127, this is MIL. Would you please give me a call, I wanna find out why you and H aren't talking to me or having anything to do with me and i can't reach H because he's out of town and I just want to find out why you won't let me have anything to do with DD. Please call me."
I haven't seen or talked to her since November, and she hasn't seen DD since about the same time. H talks to her maybe once a month or so - and he hasn't had time to arrange any visits. He certainly hasn't told her about the separation.
I would love to tell her exactly why we don't talk to her - I would moreso love H to tell her why we don't talk to her - but he never will, and she wouldn't get it anyway.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
