Let me ask you guys a question. I have noticed something that has got me thinking. What do you make of this, if anything: All through our marriage, I have been relatively passive. I never wanted to fight or argue, which I'm sure had a lot to do with our current problems. We never fought. Recently, she said something that made me think, and then realize that it wasn't the first time she has said something similar. I overheard a neighbor of ours saying that his new girlfriend talked back to him where his old girlfriend didn't. When I told W this, she said "Sometimes you need that." I remember a time when she even said she wished someone would yell at her. I know that as a kid her father yelled and belittled her and her sisters often when they were kids, so I always thought I shouldn't appear to be like her Dad, but I probably took it too far by not even disagreeing with her stronger than just making a passing remark. The only time I got a positive reaction from her was when I stood up to her when she started talking about dividing the house and custody. If this is something that I have overlooked, how can I use it now? Or should I?
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Puppy Dog Tails is the expert on this. Look at his posts -- he first posted under Chocolate-Eyes. He was a passive man, and after much study and reading has turned that around. He talks about how closely linked love and respect are for women - hence, if a woman doesn't repsect you, it makes it difficult for her to love you.
I got that impression from posts puppy has made. I will look back at more of his posts.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I also posted on his thread in Infidelity to ask him to pop over to you if he has a minute.
I know one of his recommended books is: No More Mr. Nice Guy. I believe another one is something along the line of: Hold on to Your Nuts (or something similar). I'm not sure, but I know that the "nuts" part is in the title.
Let me ask you guys a question. I have noticed something that has got me thinking. What do you make of this, if anything: All through our marriage, I have been relatively passive.I never wanted to fight or argue, which I'm sure had a lot to do with our current problems. We never fought. Recently, she said something that made me think, and then realize that it wasn't the first time she has said something similar. I overheard a neighbor of ours saying that his new girlfriend talked back to him where his old girlfriend didn't. When I told W this, she said "Sometimes you need that." I remember a time when she even said she wished someone would yell at her. I know that as a kid her father yelled and belittled her and her sisters often when they were kids, so I always thought I shouldn't appear to be like her Dad, but I probably took it too far by not even disagreeing with her stronger than just making a passing remark. The only time I got a positive reaction from her was when I stood up to her when she started talking about dividing the house and custody. If this is something that I have overlooked, how can I use it now? Or should I?
Read NMMNG and/or Co-Dependent No More they are along the same themes. Your wife doesn't really want to be able to overpower you in anyway - physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually. Partner with you sure but she needs you strong in control and in charge. Read up on boundaries- what are they, how do you set and enforce them? Boundaries are healthy. Good advice I received here - if something distresses you it is your responsiblity to bring it up. Sandi said something great I like too, Fight for your marriage not the person in it. So lead, take action and man-up. You can handle it.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I think there is a difference between having a difference of opinion and standing your ground and yelling at the other person. I don't think you should start yelling at your wife. But perhaps you do need to engage her more when you feel strongly about something. This actually is a skill that you will develop when you go to Retrouvaille. You will both explore your feelings on a given topic at the same time and then share those responses.
This sounds like a topic you could discuss with your wife right now. Have you been too laissez-faire in the relationship? Does she want your input on decisions that are being made around the house? Has this been lacking? Has it been a problem in the past?
Warning: It may be something that she likes about you. So before you go changing it, you could discuss it. I know a lot of my friends can't get something fixed or replaced around the house without shopping the whole decision with their husband. I make all those decisions, and then he comes home and I proudly show him what we got. I'm happy with the freedom to make those decisions, and he usually seems relieved that he didn't have to choose a paint color, a stove, a rug, whatever.
That's the thing, Sara. I think at one point she did like being the one who coordinated everything. I used to call her the family social director. But maybe after a long time of this, plus adding in that she percieved me not stepping up to the plate when the bankruptcy happened, she had enough. If this is the case, or in any case, if she truly lost respect for me, can it be regained?
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Orich - I think there is a way to be more assertive where it comes across as attractive, rather than a ranting and raving lunatic. I think it comes from leading and having confidence in yourself. Do you need to work on self esteem at all?? Think about it, would you want to be with someone that really has no opinion on anything?? When I coach my teams I tell them that 90% of our mistakes and failures are a result of lack of confidence. Why should we lack confidence?? What are we afraid of? Confident, leading people are interesting. Could this be the 180 you are looking for?? It sounds like she is.
Strength and Honor.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
