H is trying to convince me that swinging is a minor issue for him, and that he is more concerned about my insecurities and confidence issues in general. According to him, if I get those fixed, everything else falls into place.
Other than going to your IC, have you also been reading other books that might help you with insight into your sitch? If you haven't already come across them, I would recommend Patricia Evan's books on Verbally Abusive Relationships and Controlling People - both have a lot of useful insights that might help you put some distance between yourself and the ways in which your H has been trying to define you, etc.
Fine. Then what plans does he have to "help you" with your "insecurities" and "confidence issues" that do NOT involve swinging? For instance, taking classes together, beginning or maintaining a practice of physical fitness, mastering a new sport or hobby, hosting dinner parties, things that would result in feelings of competence and healthy adult socializing?
What does he mean by "everything else falls into place?"
Last edited by Kettricken; 07/21/0905:17 PM.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Fine. Then what plans does he have to "help you" with your "insecurities" and "confidence issues" that do NOT involve swinging? For instance, taking classes together, beginning or maintaining a practice of physical fitness, mastering a new sport or hobby, hosting dinner parties, things that would result in feelings of competence and healthy adult socializing?
The dinner party idea was suggested by him. I was a little hesitant because he was thinking about doing something every two weeks- that sounded a little overwhelming for me, schedule-wise. I wasn't against it, but I also wasn't brimming over with excitement at the idea, so he dropped it, saying well, it won't be any fun anyways if you're not excited about it. I told him if he wants to have someone over, then have them over. He knows a lot more people than me, so he would probably need to take the lead with the invites, but I'll be more than happy to put something together, just let me know how many to expect (he works at a big corp with 1,000's of people, there's 16 where i work). I am a wonderful hostess if I do say so myself... I fail to see why this couldn't be worked out if he really wanted it. I think it was easier for him to blame me for not providing it for him than to actually put some work into it himself. He is often frustrated at himself for having the same introvert tendencies that I have, so I think he is projecting his frustrations onto me.
Hi Bunny. A lot of what you're saying describes a very "co-dependent" relationship. You seem to describe your R as happy when H is happy. Why are you giving him so much credit? Just because he thinks he knows whats best for you doesnt mean he does. Is it his level of confidence that attracts you to him or his charm? You really NEED to stop focusing on him and think about YOU. This is really what this board is all about. Learning to be happy with yourself first and then how to be happy with your spouse.
I really think you NEED to take some time to figure out what YOUR NEEDS and WANTS are. Then figure out which ones are NON-NEGOTIABLE and which ones you are willing to COMPROMISE on. Your H should then do the same. This will hopefully give you a better picture of where you stand in your R.
A big part of becoming less of a co-dependent person is figuring out your boundaries then really sticking to them. Your personal values should definitely be a NON-NEGOTIABLE BOUNDARY.
You never answered the question about your kids finding out about this "lifestyle"???
Oops sorry! I hope to God the kids haven't figured it out, but they must know something's up. They know we go out, and we usually tell them that we're going to party hosted by a friend of Dad's. I try not to be seen as we leave. And I certainly don't want them involved in this lifestyle in their marriages.
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You seem to describe your R as happy when H is happy. Why are you giving him so much credit? Just because he thinks he knows whats best for you doesnt mean he does. Is it his level of confidence that attracts you to him or his charm?[quote]
When H isn't happy, I'm walking around on eggshells trying not to add to whatever his aggravation is. I'm the sounding board when he's frustrated, and it wears me down when he's screaming about whatever- whether it's something I did or someone else.
It turns out that I'm not the only who's nervous to talk to him. S18 is getting ready for to leave for college and had a major case of cold feet and second thoughts about the whole thing. He wasn't about to talk to his Dad about it, he came to me. I told H what was going on so he wasn't out of the loop, but I'm the one S18 feels that he can talk to and be heard. H comes off as intimidating and arrogant to people.
I do realize that H doesn't know what's best for me. That's for me to decide. And I have decided I want and deserve a H that wants to be true to me, respects me and loves me, who doesn't just treat me like a sex toy. There's no "I love You's" or non-sexual contact in our marriage. I used to say it but stopped a long time ago. He never did, because "after all, some things just go without saying."
I'm not even attracted to him anymore. I've seen the way he acts and I don't like it. When we were on vacation last month, it was after dark and he says "lets go down to the beach so you can b**w me." He wasn't joking, he meant it- it's about him. I guess it's supposed to be fun for me to drop to my knees at his whim. During the day, he was taking pics of the women on the beach without their knowledge (they weren't nude shots, but still inappropriate). He's lucky no one noticed and reported him. I found out when D16 decided to take a pic of him and saw the other pics on his camera. She told him he was a "creeper" and H just laughed it off. There is something wrong with him. I need to get out before I get hurt anymore, I don't trust him not to do that. That sounds dramatic, I know, but it's how I feel.
"I need to get out before I get hurt anymore, I don't trust him not to do that. That sounds dramatic, I know, but it's how I feel."
Far from dramatic, this sounds like you actually do know what you need to do. Of course you don't trust him not to hurt you. He has proven that he will repeatedly hurt you.
So sorry you are going through this...but you do need to get out. I don't know if that means divorce, but you do need to get out of this relationship as it currently stands. If you and he can forge a new relationship, one which provides you with what you need, then great.
Bunny, the more I read, the more I am sure. He has some serious issues, and he is (in my opinion) dangerous for you and the kids to be around.
You are not being dramatic. If he wants you, he is going to have to figure some things out, and he needs porfesional help to do it. In the meantime, I think you need to get out. I don't say that lightly.
