Boy you have really made me think about my answer to that one. First please understand, everyone's journey is different and what is right for one person is not necessarily right for someone else, so ultimately, all of your choices are yours.
When bomb 1 hit in 07, we agreed to work on it. After a year, things hadn't changed much except that we really were further apart than every. So one year ago this month, bomb 2 hit, sort of from both of us. Of course, as soon as the crap hit, I knew it wasn't really what I wanted, it was just running from all of the pain, but I saw no other way out. I came to DB, mostly to heal myself and that is what I spent most of last fall doing. For made up reasons, neither H or I left the house. I healed. I found my faith returning very strongly. I was told many things during that time, that I had to choose, that it was going to be hard and painful. Well, I couldn't do any of those things to be quite honest because I was busy waiting for H to choose (still really had no clue about MLC although some others had suggested it to me.) I met someone, virtually, developed a friendship. H knew. Didn't care, even encouraged it. That friendship lasted for a few months. It really was simply a friendship that if circumstances were different could have been more. I spent a lot of time talking about H, M, seeing beyond the last two years. Additionally at the time, I was learning a lot more about MLC, really saw H in everything I read. My heart started to open, in great part because of my friend and others that I met during that time as well. I learned that I was a person and had worth. I also started to see H as a person again. Many of the friends I made then have gone by the wayside. That is ok, they served their purpose in my life, which was to help me see me again. I don't know if I would have gone on that path without them. So sometime during January, I finally began truly working on myself from a place that had nothing to do with H. I had already done my rehashing of my role in the R, like you plan to do, and knew what changes I needed to make but until then was still unable to do it.
I had stopped posting here a few months earlier because H was reading everything and then doing things that I would post about. But I continued reading. I read every post of Snodderly's, Heart's Blessing, as well as others. I read other websites. I prayed a lot. I meditated and listened to my Angels and guides. I listened to God. I came more to know that leaving (although H would probably say we were/are separated) was not the right thing for me to do. I have made many changes in myself, I think mostly because I have come back to a place of peace within myself, that I lost a long time ago. I want to say it was in March that I stated my choice to myself and God. Then again in April, it was made clearer to me what I was choosing. Then in June, my final detatching happened and it was articulated very clearly to H. Through all of this, I have been able to much more clearly see the MLC stuff, the real beginning of it, the underlying causes of it, and what more I need to work on in myself. I see H as a person now, a person who is full of pain, but I see steps he is making for him. I know for now what I will and won't do in regards to ending this M, but I also know and accept that I may be shown to take different steps in the future. I accept that what is happening in the long run is for both of our highest and best good.
So I guess the short answer is when I got past my own ego, and listened to my heart, that is what made my choice to still be here. Would it have been less painful to leave? Maybe or at least painful in a different way. I could never, sort of like you, seem to choose that and feel good about it. I too questioned why I was still here, and that was my ego talking. Not wanting to be a doormat, not wanting to be played a fool, not wanting to look stupid to my family and friends who don't understand why I am still here. But I would have always felt like I made a mistake if I had chosen that path AT THAT TIME. I would not have the peace I have now. Sure I still have down days, but I do my best to not let my anger or frustration linger or dictate my choices. I wait until those feelings have passed to make any choice now. I have learned unconditional love. Not by my choice, but the idea and examples of it have been put in my face at every turn for the last 6 months. I kinda figured maybe that was one of the lessons I needed to learn from this after a while. Ok, written way too much here and I'm sure way more than you were looking for but I wanted to share the process because there are just no easy answers.
Last edited by cat04; 07/21/0907:53 PM.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
