DQ - Thank you so much for your long response. I know I thank you every time you post but I just really want you to know that I am so appreciative of your continued advice and support. I'm going to really mull all this over. I'm not going to freak out on H tonight or probably not tomorrow. I just feel disheartened and sometimes very lonely. I even told H in the past if he wants to ML in the AM and I'm sleeping -- just wake me up! No big deal! But of course, since he won't even initiate when I'm awake the notion of him waking me to ML is preposterous.
Aw thanks, sweetie. I actually enjoy helping people like this, so its good for me, not a hindrance. Also I enjoy writing, and forums like this one give me a chance to jot out 2,000 word essays in a snap. Its like a great creative writing assignment every day!
Just keep remembering that he thinks he is just following YOUR rules. He isn't aware that he has stepped on your emotional toes, and once he is aware, he will switch it up. He just needs to be taken by the hand and shown how it should be. Sounds easy, but as you know, its a process.
Am I lazing out???? H and I have been SO busy that reading has taken a back-seat. The progress we've made is:
1) I've been initiating sometimes but in a more enthusiastic way rather than showing up naked to make HIM initiate. I think it is important to let H know that I am interested in being SEXY too.
2) After ML, he ejaculated fairly quickly after we had intercourse but still seemed interested in continuing ... so afterwards spoke to him gingerly about how I wasn't sure about how his "equipment" works b/c I wasn't sure if he could continue or wanted to etc. and he explained that his orgasms sometimes aren't really strong so it allowed me to CAREFULLY bring up PE (w/o using that phrase b/c I didn't want to freak him out) and about how I would like to help him work through this for both of us b/c it would help us having a more full sexual relationship and allow us to be closer through sex. Of course, since he's such a NICE GUY he's on board and he actually said that he appreciated me talking about this even though it is difficult and he is sometimes very awkward in the conversation. I asked him to please take charge of this particular topic b/c I didn't feel like it would be good for either of us if I was the one giving him instructions. It seemed like it would be damaging for both of us.
So that's what's new. I printed out Bagheera's post about his PE issues and will share that with H (I'll tell him I found it somewhere on the internet...).
I'm glad you had an opportunity to bring up the PE! I hope you two are slowly making progress.
When you said he went fairly quickly, it reminded me of a girlfriend who told me that when she was married, her H was always go really quickly...but then they would actually do it again and he would then be able to last a long time, and it was very satisfying to both. I think when you said you weren't sure if he could or would want to continue, you were just talking about other sexual things, but not intercourse. So I am curious, I wonder if (after a few minutes) he could actually get erect again and ejaculate again, as my friend's husband? She said that it actually worked out great for them!
I would say that probably most of the time he would be able to get erect again but it would be unlikely for him to ejaculate again so it is an option for prolonging the overall time for intercourse however I don't know if that is very satisfying for my husband ... it isn't that I don't think it is ... I just literally don't know. For a little while, we were trying that but H is only 29 years old and I suppose I'm concerned that if we rely on his physical ability to become erect again that down the line, that method may not be an option so then we'll be back to square 1 of PE. But seriously, I think I'm pretty naive about male sexuality ... it was never something I need to concern myself with in past relationships and my other partners were very forthcoming so if they had a need / preference, it was expressed. With H, it is a little bit of a guessing game and I think it is in part that he is not completely aware of his sexuality and sexual potential.
But ... all that being said, I could definitely suggest what you said to H and see what he thinks. It is possible that he will not experience erection problems no matter his age so why worry!?!
I'm concerned that if we rely on his physical ability to become erect again that down the line, that method may not be an option so then we'll be back to square 1 of PE.
But ... all that being said, I could definitely suggest what you said to H and see what he thinks. It is possible that he will not experience erection problems no matter his age so why worry!?!
DQ's suggestion might work in the short-term --> it was one that I was able to use during my early twenties, prior to tackling the PE problem head-on. However, as he ages, his refractory period, the amount of "down-time" needed between erections *will* increase and thus the "quicky + rest + long-time" solution won't work as well, unless you're both willing to find ways of occupying yourselves during the "rest" period (which can be quite enjoyable all on its own). So try it, but in the mean-time he ought to be doing the exercises to slowly but surely increase his control and staying power...which will take months of practice.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
I think for my friend and her husband, the biggest benefit of doing it twice, was that it meant neither of them would have to worry about him losing it too soon. Therefore, he would not be embarassed, as it was just expected that he couldn't last long the first time. And she would not be disappointed, and she knew she would get more, right then. I think that over time with more and more practice, this situation got better for them (ie: no need to do it twice) but they eventually divorced so I'm not sure what would have happened in the long run. I do know that she was his first sexual relationship, so they had that in common with you.
Lamby, it would help you a lot to read as much as you can about male sexuality. It helps to defunk the mysteries. I know I was (at one time) so naive and silly about certain preconceived notions that it literally stunted my OWN sexuality! I will ever be grateful to MYSELF for eventually taking the time to do my own study of the subject of male sexuality. It was all part of a study of human behavior I was doing by my own choice, but it branched out into these mysteries. I've changed so much since before that time. I know it will help you, too.
Keep trying what works and quickly abandon what doesn't work, keep reading (no matter how busy, squeeze in a little time for it!) and keep posting when you can.
